An update...

Dear faithful reader:

Things are still tense...

Lots of reflection...

Lots of discussions...

Steps are being taken to become more honest with her and bring her up to speed and let her know where my head has gone since blogging.

In that spirit, I feel the need to have "Beck" disappear for a while. I don't feel the need to delete him, but just make him disappear - go private.

I know this seems counter-productive and hypocritical in trying to be more honest, by doing the very thing I shouldn't do, by hiding my alter-ego, but I feel there are steps that can be taken that don't need to necessarily be hurtful or destructive. Beck has become a part of me that emphasizes the bad, the struggles, the drama (oh the drama!) and the emotions associated with this ONE aspect of who I am as a person. Beck has been able to help me learn and grown and discover things about myself that I did not know existed previous to his existence. He has taught me to be more honest and open and authentic about myself and to embrace all that is good regarding my homosexuality, and to learn to love myself, ALL of myself, in the process. But, in that process, he as shown the ugly, the warts, the bruises, the passions, and the pains - the hate and hurt and countless longings, oh the longings, for things to be different...

He has not become a generic, politically correct, and sanitized view of who I am. He has been real. He is real. He is me.

If this blog were to turn into something less real than who I am inside, then I wouldn't want it to exist any longer. Beck would cease to fulfill his purpose of giving voice to this discovery and acceptance of the person that I truly am...

So, of the few of you who are Beck followers (be ye friends, foes, anonymous lurkers, or loved ones...) if you would like to still follow this saga, Scott / Dichotomy over at mormoninthecloset.blogspot.com has graciously agreed to facilitate any requests of invitation - seeing that I don't publish my email.

Whether this detour is a day, a week, a month or forever, remains to be seen...

So until then, wish me luck in the steps I'm finally taking, and thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They are truly and sincerely appreciated.

Love,

Beck