Six weeks and counting...

I've hit the 6-week mark of going cold turkey... nothing / niente / nada! Nothing inappropriate of any kind, not even close, not even looking at department store ads of guys in the Deseret News... If I can go six weeks then I can go six months, right?

And this is worth it to keep what's truly important together and in the forefront, no? My family is more important that anything else. I know that and I need to constantly remember that. I should feel strong and like the conqueror... I can leave these things behind. I can be better than this. If I've gone six weeks without it, I don't need this "distraction" in my life anymore, right?

So, how come I feel so weak?

Why do I feel like I'm fighting against the inevitable? Is the fight worth it? I feel I have the inner strength to resist and keep going. I keep looking at my son and I feel an obligation that is stronger than the temptation to keep going - to stay clean - even from slightly questionable material. Am I crazy to try?

How come I feel like I'm sticking my head in the sand?

Will it ever be the same?

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have "lost" my boy-friends to that social ritual called matrimony. Both Will and Tim were married - No! Not, to each other... but to two amazingly beautiful, talented, and intelligent young women. It's been really hard to see them both grow up and become men as they move into their next phases of life. Hard, not in the sense that this step is a bad thing - only that it's inevitable that with the passing of saying "yes" in the right place at the right time with the right authority, they step away from what we have had together as friends. It's just natural that as they cling to their new eternal companions and help-meets, they become less connected with the rest of us.

Or so it seemed...

I know that I have allowed myself to become emotionally and physically attached to these two much more than conventional wisdom would grant me the courtesy of acknowledging, and it is I who now needs to learn to step aside and let them move on. But can I move on?

These two in their own time and place have meant so much to me and have given me the spiritual, emotional, and especially physical male-bonding closeness and love that I have always sought, craved and needed in my life to survive. I will always cherish these feelings and time together.

***

At the funeral last week, Will was on his honeymoon, but Tim had returned from his and was there for me. When I caught a glimpse of him, I was overcome with emotion and broke down sobbing. I was well in control for the most part, but just seeing him humbly standing in the chapel as we entered as a family threw me over the edge and I broke down. Fortunately for the occasion being one of emotion, most everyone, even my wife and family didn't know why I suddenly burst into tears as my eyes met his.

After the services, and fighting my way through the family and friends, I saw him leaving toward the church parking lot. I came from behind him and touched his back. He slowly turned and we fell into each other's arms and he held me so tightly, so completely. We were one. It didn't matter what family or friends saw of the two of us fully embraced together in that parking lot. I needed him to be there for me and he was there for me and at that moment, in that embrace as we kissed, I felt comfort... I felt peace... I felt love... and nothing else at all seemed to matter. I was whole again - complete in his embrace.

Though we didn't speak - other than mutually whispering "I love you" - nothing else needed to be said - I knew then, that he would always be there for me as I am for him despite the roads that life will now take to tug us apart - He was not afraid or ashamed to be my unique and special "friend". And even now that he is married, he was there, unchanged, unaltered - still the same Tim.

I am a romantic at heart. I often allow my emotions to get in the way of mature thinking. I am aware that with our age differences and different stages of life, and with our belief system entrenched, we will never really have anything more that what we have... but...

But, for now, for this time and place, I am grateful to have a true friend who wants the best for me, and who is not afraid to show it in an amazing way time and time again.

And, everyone needs to have at some point, that unabashed, unashamed, real embrace in the parking lot...

But now what?

Till we meet again...

Funerals are unique events. At least in my experience, they are infrequent and have never hit so close to home as this last week. Emotions have been close to the surface and seeing special people in my life brings those emotions to overflowing. I've been trying to figure out why I've been so emotional. Sure, losing an immediate family member is reason enough, but I feel it has also been a combination of feeling regret and remorse for not having done more when I had the chance, as well as feeling an abundance of love and support.

I had a close friend state that he loved witnessing funerals and loved to see this expression of emotion. He gave me three key reasons why funerals are such wonderful events to cherish:

1. They celebrate the joy of life and a life well lived.

2. They bring families together in a bonding of love like no other event.

3. They allow us to feel the assurance of our hope in the Gospel and the verification of the Plan.

It's been a rough week. It's been tough. But, it's been a good week. I have experienced these three points in a very personal way. I know the strength that comes from such celebrations of life, from family expressing love, and from the assurance of the Gospel Plan.

Heroic efforts / Tough Decisions / Insignificant Worries...

I've recently had to face the emotional ride one takes when facing a life-or-death situation. A close family member has placed me in that roller-coaster ride, full of decisions to be made that may affect whether a loved one lives or dies. At one point this week, we were facing the decision with medical professionals on what is meant by "heroic efforts" to keep a loved one alive. Does that mean that we do nothing to help avert any natural event that may lead to death? Or does that mean we do nothing "heroic" once the level of quality of life has diminished to the point of no return? And where is that point? It may seem very black-and-white, but in reality, as I've discovered this week, it's a continuum and there is a lot of gray, lending to lots of room for hope and miracles.

At one point, we were placed in that "consultation room" down the hall from the ICU where a discussion of "when to pull the plug" would be made. Decisions such as these do not come easily when the inevitable has not been reached yet. What a funny profession - this medical practice - where life and death decisions are made every day and seem to almost be taken as routine. For family who do not face this on the same frequency, the shock and stress levels go off the chart. A nurse actually told me that he loves to work in the Trauma Center because things are always happening and it keeps them busy and anxious to perform... and when it gets slow, he almost wishes for something to go wrong so they can kick in and do their job. I know he was just talking without thinking, but it didn't help when one realizes that when the trauma event comes, there is a real person there being placed in a very serious situation. I guess it also didn't help when my sister spoke with the cardiologist and asked how things were going, and he said: "Well, we're not ready to pull the plug just yet".

These doctors know much about the body, but they even admit that they are "practicing" and really don't know the potential of hope, and prayers, and miracles, and positive thinking, have on a patient and family members and loved ones. And where do priesthood blessings enter the picture? Are they just hopeful thinking?

It was refreshing to see the head medical doctor recognize the power of positive thinking, hope, faith, or whatever you may call it, and express it to the family when making such choices of such a serious nature.

And as I reflect on how we aren't "out of the woods" yet, I certainly can see first hand the power of such thinking. I've seen a miracle. A lot still has to happen. But a lot has happened.

It sounds trite to say that when faced with these decisions, all other problems and concerns seem to not matter quite so much, and fade into the background. They are still there, but it's amazing to realize how instantaneously one's priorities, concerns, angsts, worries, struggles (oh, yeah - am I still struggling with my attractions or was that just a little issue in the back of my mind and I can't really think about it right now???) and problems become less significant when compared to the bigger picture.

I am grateful to live in a day and country where medical miracles are still possible and the best can be found at our disposal. To see how many I.V. bags, tubes, gadgets, monitors,pumps and devices can be placed on one human body is mind-boggling!

I am also grateful to live in a day where priesthood power brings real comfort and sustaining reassurance from a Father who loves us and is mindful of us in little ways and places people in our lives at the time we need that sustaining reassurance.

More on other developments to come...

Walking on eggshells...

It's been two weeks! My how time flies when you're having fun walking on eggshells...

And I've been good - cold turkey - for two weeks now. No indiscretions (how innocent they may be to some). None! Ever since cleaning the slate, and emptying the archives, the temptations have diminished, and the angst has decreased - at least for now. I don't know whether this will be something that I can keep up, but one day, and one week at a time, and hopefully soon - one month at at time.

My son has not confronted me. He seems pretty normal and has not pulled back from me either as I try to assess his reactions and interactions to me to notice any different behavior. As far as I can tell, he hasn't discussed the "indiscretion" further with my wife or with his siblings. I fear, however, that someday, somewhere, sometime, the confrontation will occur and I'll have to deal with it. But for now, it seems to have passed and if I've benefited by being awakened to this new reality, and to a new commitment, then so be it.

My wife has been extremely kind, more loving, and more willing to forgive. It's really freaking me out! I didn't expect such a reaction. I know I'm being watched. I realize the choice is mine. I feel like I have two strikes now and I'm still at the plate ready to either hit a home run or strike out all together. I recognize that I must restore trust and show commitment to her and to them, and earn their love and commitment. It just seems to be happening too willingly on her part. Why is that?

I think she still takes upon herself some of the "blame" for my being the way I am - thinking "If only I were kinder and more loving... if only I could get him to love me more... if only I could make myself more attractive to him - then all of this will go away." After 3 years, she still thinks this way. I don't know how to tell her that it isn't anything that she has or hasn't done to "cause" this and that loving me more, or becoming more attractive isn't going to change things. But, how do I get her to realize this isn't anything she's done or can do? I even spoke to her, earnestly offering to seek out marriage counseling to help her to understand me better and to help me understand her better - but not trying to change each other. She thought it wouldn't do any good.

I just want her to love me for who I am and to accept that I am the same loving and devoted person she fell in love with two-and-a-half decades ago. I just want to be me, to manage my attractions in a way that does not hurt anyone, particularly my family, and helps me to keep in tune with the Spirit. Is that asking for too much?

I mean, I don't want to spend my entire eternity glancing over my shoulder, wondering what they are thinking, wondering if they are just waiting for me to screw up and fall big time, wondering what they are wondering every time I'm alone with another guy, or on the computer in the basement, etc. I don't want to have to live like this!

So there you have it. My son has been scarred for life and isn't telling me about it - and my wife is trying to love me into becoming more attracted to her.

What a mess I've made of everything! It's not easy walking on eggshells...

A slap in the face...

This post is for me... If you benefit from my stupidity and find any sense of inspiration in the wreckage that may become my life, I am glad... but I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing this for me... and I don't know how much I'll really share of what has been going on.

I crashed in confusion and despair last week for many reasons. I slipped up in so many ways, and came near to losing all that I hold precious and dear.

I mentioned that I was alone last week and weekend. When my son came home, I was engaged in a venture into the world of YouTube and PG-rated gay flicks / gay kissing / gay scenes from movies and tv. It is something I have done sparingly, and I am admitting now to myself that I do it for curiosity sake yes, but also for titillation (did I mention it was the PG-non-age-restriction version). Needless to say, I've found myself justifying such behavior because of:

1. my lot in life as a closeted gay.
2. my inexperience and fascination with "the other side".
3. my level of stress due to travel and business and busy-ness.
4. straight out temptation and caving to it.

I didn't think my son was home and when he came in, I had it up on the screen (again it was not pornographic (here the justification in my voice), but was just two guys fully clothed sharing a romantic kiss - and because they were fully clothed and it was just a romantic kiss between two guys where's the harm -I mean what if it were a romantic kiss between a man and a woman - how many movies reflect that romance - is there anything wrong with this??? Seriously, I don't think so and yet, in this case, I was terribly ashamed and felt guilty like I had done a tremendously hideous thing). He was shocked! (he knows nothing of my predisposition to same-gender attraction). He called my wife, who was out of town, and asked what was going on and that he was confused and didn't know what to do... And she called me (without him knowing) and confronted me (as she had the right to do). It was one thing when this issue was between us; quite the other when it now involves the kids. We had mutually decided not to bring them into this world of mine until at some point that we thought they would be ready to handle it - meaning, at such time that I would be in a position to handle them handling it. Now, there was a window of curiosity and doubt springing up about "what is Dad doing looking at two guys romantically kissing?"

I felt devastated. I felt like such a loser. I felt destroyed inside. This stupidity on my part (excuses aside), has led to more family stress and confusion in my marriage. My wife wanted to drop everything and race home to give our son support. She told me not to confront him as he had shared his confusion in confidentiality, but that if he did confront me, I would have to be honest with him. Certainly, the emotions and butterflies, the uneasiness and turmoil churned away within me.

I was tortured, not because of what I was doing per se, but that it was now affecting my child. How was I to deal with that? And what would it mean to my marriage.

He assured his mother that he was okay and I assured her not to rush home but that I would deal with it. She was more patient than I thought she would be, but said "You need to finally decide what you're going to do with yourself. Are you going to be part of this family or not? It's your choice!"

Yes, though this predisposition is not a choice, what I do with it and how it affects those around me IS my choice!

I then slipped into my self-destruction mode and started beating up on myself... stupid, stupid stupid!

I didn't feel like going to church on Sunday, but I fought back those feelings and went (I needed to be the righteous example to my son - and yet why did I feel like such a hypocrite??). There was a priesthood leadership training meeting and the Stake President spoke about revelation and the need to have NOISE and BUSYNESS removed from our lives so that we can be inspired and hear the still small voice whisper to us. Boy, did I feel like he was speaking directly to me. Here I was devastated at how stupid I am, and how I can't let some things go, and how I allow temptation to get the better part of me, and so I swamp myself with work and with projects and travel and assignments and noise and business and busyness and think that all my problems will go away if I just don't think about them and then I find myself "alone" and "weak" and not listening very well and I mess up the family foundation. What a moron!

I then mope through the rest of the meetings, even though they were awesome on repentance and choices... and I feel remorse and regret, and I know I need to be more repentant as I don't partake of the sacrament, and I feel a prompting to turn in my temple recommend and resign from my callings...

And I then begin to live in fear. What is he going to ask me? How do I answer? What is my wife going to do when I get home? How am I to assure her that I still love her? Do I need to talk to the Bishop? Do we seek family counseling? Am I best to just leave the home now? Do I go find an apartment? What about finding a gun? Wouldn't it be better if I weren't around? Why don't I just go find a nice cliff up the canyon?

I drove up into the mountains and parked my car that afternoon. I cried and cried. This is so stupid. I was remorseful, not because of who I am, but because of the fear of hurting those I love. Why can't I just leave this alone? Why can't I just bury it once and for all...

I went home and tore into my computer and deleted my "stash" of goodies - and purged them all. It was a passionate symbolism of my commitment to reform and move on and leave them behind. I felt the need to purge them from my life and to be free of them, of the deceit, of the hiding, of the lurking. I purged them all... and it felt good... If I don't have a "collection" then I don't need to add to it, right? And if I don't have to add to it, then I don't need to look again, even if what I'm looking at, for the most part, is quite innocent and benign.

And so I prayed. I asked forgiveness. I asked the Lord for comfort and wisdom in how to answer any doubts or confusions that my son now may have about me. Was he now wondering about my relationships with Will and Tim? He's seen me openly affectionate with them - is he now questioning everything he knows about me and what I may be doing every time I hug these boy-friends of mine? Or what about what he's thinking every time he sees me on the computer? What about then?

I began to drive myself crazy with such questions. What had I done to him? Did I shake his testimony? Did I shake his foundation? What had I done to destroy his self-worth and value?

He has not said anything to me, and since he doesn't know that I know, I haven't said anything to him. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. My wife has been super kind and loving and supportive since coming back. I've tried to show more affection and love to her and have thanked her for her kindness. I have also committed that I'm not going back there... and I haven't... and that though I haven't chosen this orientation, I can choose how I manage it and who I want to be around - and I must choose my family first.

I fear that someday, this will come back to bite me. And rightfully it should. The last thing I want to do is destroy the faith and love of my children for me. I want them to be strong and happy and well-adjusted in their identities, and I need to keep trying to do so for myself so that I can be a source of strength, not weakness, for them.

This has been so innocent, and yet such a wake up call... I feel horrible and yet so grateful at the same time.

I know I don't need the fear, the angst, the self-hatred...

But, I do need a good slap-in-the-face... and maybe this has given me a chance to start seeking the spirit again through all the noise, confusion, stress and pain.

I wanted something passionate to write about again in my blog... well, I'm sure there's plenty more to come.

Two years and counting...

It's now been two years since my first post. It feels like I've been blogging for much longer - not in a bad sense - but it just feels like it's become more a part of my life than other things that are of a similar duration...

and yes, I am still here.

At times lately, I've been too consumed in other things to really put my heart into my blog. I miss that. I know when I have used my blog for the purpose of writing and sharing personal and heart-pounding feelings, I find my view on life becoming clearer. When I don't, I fall into traps of the past.

I need to find the passion again...