Sunday, July 26, 2009

A sense of progress?

I really don't feel very inspired to write and so maybe I shouldn't. I haven't followed up on updating here for no other reason than lack of inspiration to write. It's part of the cycle. I get high and excited and then agitated and angsty, and then there is the lull after the storm. I'm currently in the lull.

But an update is in order, so briefly let me summarize:

1. I had my hard-hitting discussions with my wife regarding the MOHO community, blogging, support groups and chats, and with meeting some of you. I mentioned some of you in particular and others in general, describing the different circumstances we fall into within this community. It was scary for me but somewhat anti-climatic afterward. It wasn't as big a deal as I had thought. So maybe that's good...

2. I was thinking she'd be offended that this was going on for some time and that we share personal information with each other on the Internet. I think that was quite shocking for her to discover that. I guess as important as this blogging has been for me and learning from others in similar situations, and discovering that I'm not "all alone", none of that is important to her. There is no urgency to "know" on her part. She is content with who she is and what she believes and does not see a great need to "understand" this aspect of me other than accepting that it is what it is and that is that and let's move on... Is this good?

3. But the real shocking part was that she has shown no interest in following up with what the MOHO community is, who the various "members" are, and what we talk about. She has shown no interest in meeting other wives or in getting to know you as I know you. All she cares about is that we are supportive to each other in sustaining and honoring our covenants and commitments. If "you" are a positive influence for focusing my attention on her and strengthening me to remain with her, then she's okay. I'm not saying she has embraced the idea, but she hasn't discarded the idea either. So, maybe it's all good?

4. An interesting note: as we tend to have these heart-to-heart, or hard-hitting reality checks, the are often, if not always, followed up by an increase of affection and intimacy. We have been intimate a couple of times this last week, as well as this morning, and finding more time for this, and her being more understanding and accepting of certain hangups of mine regarding our intimacy etc... it's been very good... Now, the cycle will almost always revert back to complacency so don't get any idea that we're going to set an intimacy record for the MOMs out there! But, it is interesting to note the cycle of intimacy that occurs parallel to these discussions.

5. She has started attending my class where I teach (at my suggestion) and has helped me to stay focused on the lesson, on her, and not on "him". This has been good. I don't think it would be good for me to be found alone with "him" right now.

6. But, this has also developed into an attitude of her watching me more closely, of being aware of when I'm on the computer chatting, or whether I had lunch with someone, or what was this or that expense on our credit card report.... I feel like this may turn into a very stifling and negative development from our discussion. I guess it's a matter of restoring trust, but I'm not liking to have to "account" for everyone I talk to, meet, or lunch with... There's more ground work to get through on this aspect of our relationship. I've got to be given free reign to prove that I am trustworthy instead of being trustworthy because I know I'm being watched. Does that make sense to anyone but me?

7. I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday. I am very anxious about this. I felt more inspired to seek professional help a couple of weeks ago in the middle of my angst and gay pon farr, but now I've settled down and feel less angst over my cycle, and more angst over just seeing a professional counselor.

8. As noted, I am seeking more than one therapist, for a variety of approaches, and have two others in mind, with one pending appointment for the following week. I don't know whether to space them out and see one a week or one a month or just try one on at a time instead of all three. But, I do want to see what is out there. Any advice? Has anyone else done this approach where you seek counseling from multiple therapists at the same time?

9. As a side note, I'm feeling very anxious about my work. I am finishing up a couple of projects and then there is NOTHING on the horizon. I have always had future work stacking up, and now there is nothing. I'm not sure what to do about that, but my anxiousness for the future has changed from my marriage, and my gay pon farr, to my work (or lack thereof). I don't know quite what to do about it other than getting the word out to everyone that I'm looking for more projects and am available. Fortunately we are not in debt and so that helps, but I don't really want to start living on our savings either. I know I've been most fortunate and blessed and don't mean to say that I've got it tough - I don't. I know that. It's just a new and growing dynamic in the angst cycle.

10. So, how am I doing? Please give me feedback.

At this rate, if she's not that curious to find my blog, I may "deprivatize" it in the near future, but for now, I'll keep it here for a little longer. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I do appreciate the strength and support I do feel here.

I just need to get more inspired...


Philip said...


I have said this before but oftentimes for the gay husband his sexuality looms so large in his mind that it never occurs to him that his wife might have other issues that are bigger for her than his sexuality. Oftentimes the biggest issue for the wife has to do with trust.

I know this because I use to facilitate a mixed orientation couples support group and heard many wives comment on how their husbands would not listen to them when they tried to tell their husbands what was really bothering them.

Sometimes the husband accused the wife of being homophobic when in fact she was more comfortable with his sexuality than he was.

I am not saying that your wife does not have an issue with your sexuality. What I am saying is that she might be less conflicted about your sexuality than you might think and really conflicted about issues that may never have occurred to you.

So my advise is to put on your listening ears.

Avoid doing what I did which was to assume that my sexuality was the only issue my wife would have and then when my wife said something critical assume that meant she was rejecting my sexuality.

I remember my mind screaming "we're not going to make it, we're not going to make it" so loudly that I couldn't hear what she was saying.

My mind screamed "we're not going to make it" because I had assumed the only thing to worry about was her either accepting me or rejectng me.

Eventually I realized I was not hearing her and silenced my mind long enough to hear what she was saying.


Sarah said...

Thanks for the update. We have been thinking about you a lot.

You said in point #6 "But, this has also developed into an attitude of her watching me more closely, of being aware of when I'm on the computer chatting, or whether I had lunch with someone, or what was this or that expense on our credit card report.... "

Ask Scott about this one--I have ALWAYS been this way. That is one reason he knew he had to tell me everything as soon as he did, because he knew it would hurt me even more to accidentally find out, and that was only a matter of "when", not "if".

It sounds overall like things are good. Now she knows about us...leave it in her court as to whether to meet us or not.

BTW, does this mean you can come to our party this Saturday? PLEASE!?


Sarah said...

Oh, I just wanted to add that even though I am nosy, I do my best to not cross the line and violate his trust when he has asked me not to (like reading his email or something like that). I have messed up that way a couple of times, but I am getting better at giving him his privacy when he asks for it. :)

Beck said...


You've got it exactly! I was surprised that she is not interested in knowing all the details of why I'm gay or what others in my situation think or feel. Instead, she's accepting of that (as you say, maybe more than me) and would like to work on a level of trust more than anything else.

So, it leaves me re-evaluating things. I wasn't prepared for such a reaction. I guess I need to put on my "listening ears" and really hear what she's saying is important to her.

Thanks for your words of advice. They ring true for me and my situation.

Beck said...

SARAH: There is a balance between "privacy" and "trust". And I'm relearning that both are earned. And that this is a two-way street, meaning she's got to trust me and allow me privacy as I try to be trustworthy even when she's not around. Does that make sense?

As for the party, well... she's not interested at this point to dive into the MOHO world, and I'm not in the frame of mind to push her into it. Yes, she knows specifically of you and Scott and your situation , but for now (no offense) she's not open to seeking you out. Maybe there will be another occasion where the needs or wants will change, and I am open to that as she becomes more open, but like I said with Philip above, it just isn't a priority for her right now.

Thanks, though, for your prayers, encouragement and willingness to help.

Sarah said...

Beck, what I meant is now can YOU come to our party (by yourself) and now not have to lie about where you are going. I understood that she probably would not be interested.

Oh, I was also going to say that I understand the uninspired feeling. I have a couple of blog posts in my head, but no desire to hammer them out. One of them is venting about my bishop AGAIN from yesterday's events, and with who-knows-who reading my blog, I guess I don't feel like I should. But I need to (for my own therapy). Does that make sense?

Public Loneliness said...

Thanks for the update Beck, I found that aside from going to her own therapist, my wife had no interest in going online, chatting with other straight spouses or finding support groups of any kind. Over and over people have told me it would be good for her, but she'll have none of it. I guess people like to find their own way the best way they see fit.I hope you can come to Scott & Sarah's party on Saturday if you can.

Kengo Biddles said...

Beck, I think Philip's first sentence is true, and I think you're on a good path.

As for #4, I think that's something ANY husband needs to do in his marriage, keep the lines of communication open and his devotion to his wife strong.

Maybe you should have these conversations more often. it would help your wife to feel more loved and secure, I'm sure.

Ron Schow said...

With reference to therapy I think it is a good idea to look around a bit to see about different therapists. If I were you, I'd try a couple for a time or two and then settle on one for a while where you feel most comfortable. I think 3 at once would be confusing. Maybe you can save the third one for when you have looked at the other two and perhaps decided you want to look further.

Sean said...

You already heard my opinion... I think that what you are doing is great! I think this will really help out with your relationship and hopefully keep it strong for a long time.

Beck said...

SARAH: Even though I'm more "available" to come, unfortunately we have other commitments that evening.

As for uninspired, it seems to be spreading into other aspects of my life. The inspiration to write is gone. I hope it returns soon.

PL: I think as I seek professional help, and if I can show any benefit from doing so, it can help her to seek the same. I hope so. But, just as I can't be forced into doing this, neither can I expect to force her.

KENGO: Yeah, I know... but it's easier to know than to do. The reality is that complacency tends to return faster than you think. How do you keep things fresh and spontaneous without reverting to past habits of complacency?

RON: I agree that three (3) would be too many at one time. I'm considering two though in an effort of comparison. Thanks for seeing value in doing so. I hope this works... I'm not expecting a magic pill, but I do want to feel some confidence in a plan forward.

SEAN: Thanks for checking in. I know of your confidence and belief in me and my plan and it means a lot.

Bravone said...

Beck, my wife responded almost exactly like yours did. She will go to things like Scott and Sarah's party, firesides and such, but she has no desire to follow my blog or any other. She feels no need to interact or reach out for support from others. As long as we are okay, that is all she cares about.

#6 eases with time as mutual trust is built.

I am proud of you and happy for you. Huge progress!

Bror said...

Good to hear from you. I really don't have much to say as I am in a lull myself. But I did make it to the mountains for some hiking and fishing. I figured I hiked about 16 miles total to fish in 5 remote lakes for trout. I was looking to catch a cutthroat but only caught some brook trout. I totally had a great time with my sons and nephew. It was a brief escape. Anyway, good to hear from you. bror