Now how sick is that?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Now how sick is that?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sometimes, I feel like I've spent my entire life "wishing" for something that I can't have, shouldn't have, or once I do have, wish then that I didn't have... In living a life like this, it is always based on longings and cravings, on regrets and guilt, and not on what is right before my eyes - the life that I am living but don't want to live...
I've longed for the "gay life", the romantic attachments of man-to-man relationships. I've regretted that late in life my choices and my personal enlightenment of my gaydom have robbed me of ever having those attachments now (as I'm too ancient in gay years). I've felt guilty for having such longings and as such spent too much of life beating up myself. And as such, I've missed some of the real joys that are right in front of me, and been foolish enough to not see what I do have.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
... it's difficult to understand why someone would choose to stay with a woman when their desire lies with men...
... people who are gay... would find a way out of the marriage so they could pursue the life they desire...
... There are gay people who will look down on you, it's true...
...hmm...does accepting your gay mean no possibility of falling in love with a woman?
...The odd thing to me is that there are extremely few remotely like you, Beck...
I know I'm odd. I know I've never been stereotypical or easy to peg. I'm unique! And, yet I ask myself why? Why couldn't I "fit in" with either the straight or the gay communities? Why am I lost between the two, thus, not "fitting in" to either? Being unique makes things interesting - life isn't predictable.
I don't need to explain how gay I am. My blog has done that for nearly two years now. I am exclusively attracted to men! I am not somewhere in the middle. I'm at the end of the spectrum, completely attracted to the male species. And yet, the miracle of it all, is that at one point very early in my naive post-mission life, I was available to the idea of falling in love with a woman - and a very special and wonderful woman came into my life and we fell in love. Love is an amazing thing. It puts blinders on us. I was smitten like I never have been before or since with this woman. And the amazing thing was, she was smitten with me and was willing to commit to me, to support and sustain me, to make me the best I could be, to complete me...
As I look back on it now, I recognize the miracle of it all. It never happened before. It has never happened since. I certainly have fallen for guys, had crushes on guys, been infatuated with guys, been in love with guys, but never another woman. Just her! Just once! How does one explain this? Why did it happen to me just this once?
And you know... the funny thing is (and I know it is hard for those who cannot understand me in the first place) I'm still in love with her! I told you I was weird, odd, unique. In reality, we are all unique. Our package we've been given, our experiences and circumstances are uniquely ours and no one elses - all the more reason to not judge each other, but to learn to love and appreciate and embrace our uniquenesses.
As much as I continue to love guys and would longingly love to be in a relationship with a guy, I must stop and realize - I have a TRUE LOVE right here and now. It is real! It is alive! It's a miracle!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I seldom, if ever, adventure out into the blogging world at large, to see what others may be saying about the gay "situation". But the other day, through a link with Northern Lights, I got onto a site that was discussing, among other things, about the "ilk" that is a gay man who won't accept that he's gay and chooses instead to be faithfully married to a woman. It made me wonder if within the gay community at large such perceptions by other gay men of men like me ademantly view us as "ilk" - something to despise and be disgusted by.
Is this true?
I have a friend / acquaintance who is gay, who helped me come out to myself. He was once married but eventually shed himself of that burden to be free of those ties that kept him from being who he was. He skillfully showed me the steps to my "exit" from my own marriage and predicted that within a year I would be heading for divorce. Here I am now three years later, still married, still hanging on, still keeping keepin' on... He has since given up on me... and in a round-about way, showed disappointment in me, though giving lip service support to my choices.
Now, I know that those that I follow in this corner of the MOHO queerosphere are almost always kind and supportive of those like me, with the understandable layers added with the Church and its teachings, but it made me wonder if even in this corner, especially among the young and upcoming generation that is "out" and "open" moreso than I would ever have dreamed, really feel the same way - that we who are faithfully married are really considered "ilk" upon the landscape of the MOHO community? I mean, are we really just "tolerated" members of the community who really don't count, because deep down we are still in denial? And with that denial we can't truly be considered valid? Or taken seriously?
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Friday we took the family to SLC to participate on the last day of the viewing of President Hinckley. It was a very cold, crisp, but sunny winter's day - one that we spent two hours outside in line, and then two-and-one-half hours inside for a total of 4-1/2 hours working our way through the incredibly respectful and reverent lines with fellow saints. Had we gone on Thursday it may have taken us as little as 20 minutes... But, the investment of time and effort seemed more valid and the offering of respect seemed more valuable with the passing of each hour. 4-1/2 hours seems impossible to phathom with small children with no food, no distractions, no books - and yet the miracle of it all was how peaceful it ended up being and well worth it - to honor and say farewell to our prophet dear.