Friday, October 27, 2006

Another good thing?

I hesitate to post such things.

We had really good sex this morning, my wife and I. It was spontaneous, unstressful, passionate and loving. I was able to "work" at the right time and in the right way. It happened while the kids were getting ready for school, with our bedroom doors open, so there was a sense of "being careless", "being discovered" or "being on a mysterious adventure". And, I didn't have to fantasize about "other things" (you know the other things I'm talking about).

In many blogs, us married gay guys seem to feel an obligation to explain the complexities of our love and attraction for our wives... It's as if we feel the necessity to defend why we are married or how we could have been attracted enough to get married in the first place. This defense seems to be necessary for some who have similar backgrounds (gay mormon) and yet can't see how marriage to a woman can even be possible.

For me, the attraction is real! I was "in love" at first sight of her. As gaggy as that sounds, it is true. I met her through a mutual friend and instantly I was head-over-heels in love with her! Or at least "attracted to her". This excited me, for I really hadn't felt much of any attraction to women previously. Yes, I had girlfriends (in high school and college) but they were always more friends than girls - if you know what I mean. With my wife it was different. I did feel something "magical". The fireworks of romance were present. And I seized the day!

The problem was: I was so excited to feel this attraction, that it scared her off. It took many months for her to come around (unbeknownst to me she decided to marry me just from observing me - we hadn't even dated) and for her to see me as someone she was truly interested and attracted to. We ended up working in the same place, and saw each other frequently - and one thing led to another and before you knew it we were engaged. It was her attraction to me, her devotion to me, that kept me going, kept me on the path of not pursuing my more natural tendencies. I was young. I was naive. I was very innocent. In many ways she was too. But we became best friends and our passion for life, for our common interests and beliefs, for our goals together became a bond that needed to be eternal. I found myself very attracted to her emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually, personally, mentally, romantically.

But, the physical attraction, though sparked initially, wasn't there. That lack of phyisical attraction on my part has caused us enormous grief and pain. I've inflicted that pain on her more than she has on me. Though unintentional, the reality of our married physical, sexual life together has been a road of tragic proportions. We've nearly divorced over it several times. I withdrew from her. She withdrew from me. We grew apart. We had no sex for years. It was too painful!

Yet, somehow, because of all of the other strengths of our relationship, our bond, and our covenants to God and to each other, we stayed together - as painful as it was. I feel the sealing power of those covenants helped us to never take that final step apart.

It was when she finally confronted me some twenty years into our struggling marriage on why I "hated her body so much", or why I was "repulsed" by her physical nature, and thus, she had no other conclusion than to realize that I "must hate her as who she really was as well" - her self-esteem was shot! (note: I wasn't repulsed by her body. She's a beautiful woman - but there was no attraction physically for her - it was all gone - sex equaled pain. That was the simple mathematics of it. Sex was stress. Sex was undesireable. Sex was lothed by me. I had no interest in it. We had struggled so much in that department that the sponteneity, the joy, the passion, the love was gone - it had been gone in our relationship for years) that I confessed to what I knew to be true (and had only come to personally and painfully realize to myself - coming "out" to myself just a few months earlier)that I was gay, that I always had been gay, that most likely I would always be gay... meaning my attraction was to men, beautiful men, and not to women.

Though not for this post, that revelation, as hard as it was to articulate to the woman I love and cherish, was the hardest thing for our marriage to endure. I was convinced that IT WAS OVER. Especially after twenty years, such revelation to oneself to to one's spouse, after the years of dedication to creating family, home, children, etc., was shattering to say the least.

But the miracle of it all was that she finally understood what she had suspected for years. She understood my pulling away from her (and that it had nothing to do with my thinking she was ugly, loathing and disgusting - but that I had my own self-loathing and self-disgust going on in the process of my "outing" to myself - though I don't feel this loathing or digust in any way, shape or form today -interesting!) and she became (in time) very soft, very forgiving, very sympathetic. And miraculously, over the course of the last year or so, we've been slowly becoming together in a physical way. This isn't to say that I haven't still had problems - major problems - with having a relationship as one hopes it to be - but we've had moments - the best moments of our entire marriage in the last year - and it's been because of her encouragement, love, and patience... And those moments - like this morning - seem to be enough to keep the spark alive, to keep it burning.

It's been a long road for us. I'm still very weak and I feel on the edge of the cliff of "outing myself" to the world and running away from it all with the first pretty face of a young buck that wants me... but I'm taking steps back from that precipice. Each time we have a moment of joy together helps me to draw closer to her. The journey isn't over and the road is still long with many trials and detours ahead I'm sure. I'm still not attracted to her physically - and that still causes her great pain - but at least she now understands why. I think she still thinks I can be "cured" by her love. I don't think I can. I don't say that to be negative - because her LOVE for me has helped me to heal in so many ways. But, I'm still drawn to that physical need, that physical desire for men, that Church term of SSA, SGA or whatever else you want to call it. Whether that will ever change in me is not for me to say right now. I don't feel there is a need to change. I don't want to be anyone but who I am - and that includes my attractions. But I do feel a bit closer to her today when I'm reminded how beautiful and joyful we still can be together.

Call our relationship a big mistake if you must... I know I have. I've thought about it a lot. Had I come to my self-realization before our marriage, we probably wouldn't have been married.

Call us delusional if you must... I know I have. But there is strength in covenants and commitments that come through bonds of love that transcend even the physical attraction. And even then, we sometimes can experience that attraction, too.

And I call that another good thing...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A good thing!

I'd like to share a "good thing", instead of my typical "whining with a purpose" entries. Since Sam reminds me this blog is MINE, and I'm blogging in the first place to help me "deal" with these issues, I need to articulate FOR MYSELF so that I can appreciate what is going on...

For the last few weeks, I've distanced myself from HIM. I've purposefully avoided him. He called and I didn't answer. In Church, I'd go the other way in hopes that our paths wouldn't cross. I told myself that if I didn't get close to him, if I didn't touch him, if I didn't even look at him, then things would go better.

But it didn't work that way. I still thought of him! I even fantasized about him. And then I beat up on myself afterward.

This last Sunday, I snuck into Priesthood opening exercises and sat in the back. I surveyed the congregation and noticed him sitting several rows in front of me. After the hymn, prayer, and announcements, we dismissed to our quorum meetings. Instead of getting up and hurrying out the door, I felt impressed to just sit there and wait and see what happened. I watched him. He spoke with a few brothren, his back to me, as most all others had left the chapel. I just sat watching. As he began to leave the chapel, he turned and finally noticed me and smiled. I smiled at him as I leaned back on the back legs of the padded folding chair, trying to act tough.

"So, whattsup?" he asked, his voice cracking as he approached me.

We began small conversation, he standing over me, I still sitting back in my chair. I stared into his face and could see a ton of pain. It's obvious when one is trying to hide the pain. His lips were quivering, attempting to keep a rigid form of a smile, as his eyes started to get watery.

I melted. I don't remember what came over me, but I grabbed him by his suit coat and white shirt at his chest and dragged him out the foyer where we could talk. He didn't resist. In the vestibule, we fell into each others arms.

"What's going on?" I pressed. He at first didn't say anything. We hugged! Full body hug! I pressed my cheek into his as he started weeping into my neck. This 6'-6" hunk of a guy was a baby in my arms. I held him tight. It was wonderful. It was wonderful because for the first time in a long long time, there was no thought of anything but brotherhood! We were friends. Dear close friends! There was nothing more... nothing sexual, romantic, dare I say "gay" about it. He was suffering and hadn't processed that grief and let it go. He had been the tough guy - the strong one in the family - as his family endured a significant tragedy. And now he let go - into my arms.

As we body hugged (but no broken ribs this time)and as I held him, his head buried snuggly into my neck, I noted out of the corner of my eye a member of the bishopric watching us. I didn't care! I'm sure there were others watching us as well - and I ignored them. Fortunately, no one approached us. Though we were open to view, we were alone in our privacy.

(NOTE: I'm sure they thought - oh, there's Beck again, going off and being affectionate with another guy. I get away with it. I'm a very touchy-feely kind of guy. I've always been that way. I can't help it. I'm most comfortable when I am and so I choose to be so. Most have learned to accept it. I can't walk down the corridor of Church or at work and not touch someone as I pass by - a tap on the shoulder, a brush on the arm, a squeeze on the neck, a slap on the head - particularly a slap on the head. I can't help it. Especially with guys - I don't know how to express my need for affection with straight guys, so, I slap them on the head - or I hit them! I'm famous for my hitting... I don't know why I do it - but I just do it. And, I'm affectionate openly with those guys who have become close friends - and they've accepted that being affectionate is just part of me...And as was pointed out in FOXX's blog a while back - I get away with this behavior because I'm perceived as "an affectionate straight guy", not as "an affectionate gay guy"... but that's a topic for another day).

Anyway, after missing most of Priesthood Meeting, HE and I were able to connect again as FRIENDS. Nothing more - just good guy-friends! We talked and I encouraged and I hoped I helped him. But most of all HE helped me!

I realize I really need good guy-friends! I need male bonding that is emotional, intense, sensitive, personal, intimate - but just that male friendship!

And I realize that I can do this without any premeditative predative or other sultry motives. FOR THERE ARE NONE!

I need hugs! I hunger for male affection. I don't know why. It's just something that I long for. And when I don't get it - I start falling apart!

And I realize, hiding from him is actually the worst thing to do. I get anxious and uncomfortable and I worry about it more. I'm not me and I hate it! At the same time, HE needs my friendship too, my sensitivity, my spirit.

I'm glad I didn't run from this prompting to grab him, pull him in, and let him grieve.

I sincerely wish that our American culture and mentality would allow us guys to do such things with each other more frequently - and without any judgment for having been sensitive to a friend. I have been judged. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. But, I've decided I'm not going to stop being me because of it.

Thanks for being a voyeur into this small, almost insignificant, little scene in my pathetic life.

Sunday, October 22, 2006


I just re-read my last post and I'm sick and tired of myself WHINING all the time and sharing the "wo is me!" attitude. I'm fed up with it and can't stand it. So what if I had an adolescence full of "not fitting in" or "not relating with my peers". So what if my life hasn't been "ideal". Whose is?

I've got to move on from this self-pity and self-doubt. I've got to become more comfortable with who I am and be grateful for the good that is internally and realistically me!

I apologise for my griping and whining and self-pity and I promise that, though I will share angst and longings and frustrations and griefs, I'm NOT going to bemoan my flaws and shortcomings...

Getting on with it! That's what needs to be done. I've got to LET IT GO and MOVE ON!

Again, I'm sorry for the silly drivel...and pitiful poppycock!

I am comitting to CHANGE!

Saturday, October 21, 2006


I attended a church social function last night. It was on the Stake level and so there were many people in attendance that I did not know. Typically, large groups in social settings, even as comfortable as a church setting, make me very uncomfortable.

I sat and observed instead of engaging the activity. I observed many folks totally comfortable with themselves, relating as normal members of the Church relate jovially and socially with each other. I particularly noticed the men. I looked at them and studied them and felt so distant and apart from them. They seemed so comfortable with themselves. I did not.

It's always been this way. When I was a youth, I didn't fit into the straight-guy world. I didn't relate with the guys in cub scouts or scouting. My mutual YM/YW years were torturous. I didn't do things that other guys seemed to be able to do so naturally. I observed them effortlessly playing sports, particularly basketball (I detest basketball). I observed them be athletic and strong (I was the neighborhood weakling). I observed them acting goofy and stupid as only boys can (I was too nerdy to be stupid). I observed them flirting with girls (I didn't relate with girls in a flirty way - though many confided in me about other guys). I observed them showing off (I never showed off).

So, I declared myself a misfit from an early age.

Now don't get me wrong... I'm very comfortable with crowds of all types including public speaking, giving talks in Church, teaching lessons to large groups, engaging planning commissions and city councils with the presentations of my designs, etc., But, in each of these instances, I'm the teacher, I'm the speaker, I'm the presenter. Smaller groups are a lot less nerve-racking, but I can do large groups as well.

But socially interacting and mingling and interacting takes effort. It's a chore. I instantly feel like I'm damaged goods - and I don't fit in to the world around me. It becomes uncomfortable, even unbearable.

I hate open houses where one mingles. YUCK! I hate striking up conversations with people that I know really don't care a minute later. Social niceties and all... including in business and church settings. Even being raised in this environment, I detest it.

Again, I feel I don't belong. I guess I feel I don't belong in a lot of circles. That's why I like to help in the kitchen when I meal is being prepared, or clean up, etc. It gives me something to do other than stand around wondering what to do or who to talk to.

I feel inferior! I feel flawed! Now, I know we are all flawed - but by my age, aren't we supposed to be overcoming these flaws and becoming more and more comfortable with who we are, not worrying about such things? not having such inhibitions?

I've never "fit in" with the straight-guy world. And because I've forced myself to adapt to a world where I see myself as a "misfit", as an outsider looking in, it has never gotten easier with the passage of time.

There have been times when I did feel like I was comfortable with who I was - maybe three instances:

1. When I was an MTC teacher and zone coordinator over many missionaries that I loved and cherished and fed from.

2. When I was in a bishopric, serving in an old ward - my best friends being kissing-and-hugging-octagenarian widows.

3. When I was a Young Men leader, serving young men and living the life of a young man that I never had as a youth, and finally being loved and accepted.

I find myself reaching out to the blogsphere to try to "fit in" again. Instead of trying to fit in with straight-guys, I'm seeking gay mormon men who may better understand me and my feelings and quirks. But even here, I find that I'm not a very good fit...

1. I don't have a story of my youth where I was molested, in any form of that word, nor any story of trauma to support the reason for my "confusion". Sometimes, I wish I did have such a story - I've racked my brain trying to figure out if I have a suppressed memory somewhere, and I come up empty.

2. I didn't come out to myself until just a couple of years ago, well into my adulthood - my struggle with this issue is young and fresh, but my age is old and should be mature and wise - but I find myself not very wise and even childlike in such issues. Though I've wrestled all my life with this struggle, it hasn't been one of self-recognition until recently.

3. I have been married over 20 years and have young adult children. This puts me at odds with my struggles being out of sync with my current situation, and with the situation of most readers of this blog.

I'm not sure where I fit in. I work alone most of the time. I keep to myself most of the time.

I don't know why I'm rambling like this... Just felt out-of-place and out-of-sync last night. I feel out-of-place and out-of-sync with the fellow blog world as well.

I've spent my whole life not belonging to the world I live in. I still don't know how to "fit in".

Monday, October 16, 2006

Eliminating the static...

I've had some serious family issues to address this last weekend and it has been good to be consumed in what is really important (not that my non-ending angst whining is less important). Sometimes we need to stop and work on others' issues that are much more pressing than our own, and in the process, magically, our own seem to diminish in scope.

Isn't that funny how that happens? It doesn't mean that I still didn't turn my head when I was 'tempted' by the usual attraction of the flesh. (No, I've come to the conclusion that I will always have these attractions, and will be turning my head at good looking meat - but I'm allowing myself to not DWELL on it and to let it go... to stop the fantasies and to just keep it more sane). Maybe such a tactic will backfire and I will explode like a volcano at some point - but yet again, it's worth the try to keep things settled. For my full attention, my needed "attraction" must be focused on my family right now.

My leadership calling has also focused me (by force) into centering on others and their problems. It's amazing what callings do to me. They make me better than I ever would be without them. They make me be who I want to be, not who I am. I wonder if I will ever get to the point of being willing to serve and give to others without the "assignment" to do so...

There is a certain calm inside my head at this time, and I truly am trying to be more in tune with what the Spirit prompts me to do for my family... Heaven knows I need to be more in tune, eliminating the static of these attractions in my head...

Friday, October 06, 2006

Enduring by making a difference...

Enduring to the end doesn't have much to do with suffering in silence, overcoming all life's obstacles, or even achieving the LDS ideal (perfection). It just means not giving up. It means keeping - to the best of our abilities - the commitments we made to Christ when we entered into the marriage of the gospel. It means not divorcing the Savior or cheating on him by letting some other love become more important in our lives. It means not rejecting the blessings of the atonement that he showered upon us when we entered his church and kingdom.
-- Stephen E. Robinson, Following Christ

Enduring to the end does not mean achieving perfection! I understand that. I understand perfection is NOT a requirement of endurance. But it also does not mean to let my "other love become more important in my life". Allowing this desire of male attention, affection, companionship, and relationship to become the most important aspiration of my life is not keeping my commitments I've made. Envying others who have is not keeping my commitments. Seeking out images that titillate and feed that envy is not keeping my commitments. Being bitter that I'm "missing out" on something more wonderful than my family and the covenants we've made together, is not keeping my commitments.

I understand that the TEST of this life is really about what we have DONE with what we have been GIVEN. There is no one standard for all (such as grades in school: 90% = A; 80% = B, etc.) nor are we graded by the bell curve (where just as many that get the A's will also get the F's and the majority get C's). I understand that everyone's package (talents, gifts, abilities) is different and thus we are judged uniquely with what we have been given and the "level of difficulty" attributed to our performance.

It's like Elder Stanley G. Ellis' talk in last week's General Priesthood session where he reiterated the point of the Parable of the Talents. The three examples in the parable did not receive equal talents. But all three were good stewards - even the one that received but one. The Lord gives the same praise and reward to the one who had five and the one who had two because "of what they DID with what they were GIVEN". But, even though the one who received one talent was careful to take care of, protect, and return safely back to the Lord his one talent - the rebuke is stark and harsh! It wasn't because he was careless or forgetful, or even uncommitted or ungrateful. It was because he DIDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

So I look at my homosexual issues as a gift, a talent I've been given. I didn't choose to receive this talent. It has been given to me as part of my mortal life. So what am I doing with it? Am I burying it? (yes). Am I carefully and attentively caring for it? (yes). Am I protecting it to return it safely back to the Lord? (yes). Am I making a difference with it, letting it increase? (NO!) So am I not a "wicked and slothful servant"?

I mean, what should I be doing with this special gift I've been given?

Somehow, just resisting it doesn't seem right.

Embracing it for good does seem right.

So how do I embrace it for good?

There are some good articles in the October Ensign... One in particular is by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland along these lines:

"It is important to remember that we need to succeed - not just finish the course - but finish our course with joy. For a celestial reward, it is absolutely essential that we remain faithful to the end. There is nothing in the Church that is directed toward the telestial or terrestrial kingdoms. For us it is a celestial goal every step of the way. We cannot flag or fail or halt halfway."

"The power of your covenants are GREATER than the power of temptation."

"The tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens BEST SUITED to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our CHALLENGES WILL BE THE ONES WE NEEDED, and CONQUERING them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way."

"The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."

Okay, so celestial life is my goal. My covenants are greater than my temptations. My challenges (gifts / talents / issues) are the ones I need. And the direction in which I'm going is more important than being the best or better than others.

I got it...

But, how do I use this special and unique "gift", with its special and unique "level of difficulty" to make a difference (increase) so that I won't be a wicked and slothful servant?

Ah... Sheeezzee! I really don't have a "f-ing" clue about what I'm talkin' about!!!

Is this all a piece of crap???

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I feel like I'm trying to figure out how to "get away" with things.

And I know this is wrong. But that's how it feels.

And it centers around envy!

Let me explain. I've recently renewed a corresondence with a dear close LDS RM friend. He lives far away from me so we haven't seen each other for some time now. He and I have shared many similar experiences together, including the experiences of "strugglers" and "coming out" to each other at about the same time. His situation is different than mine in the sense he is not married, has no children, and has his whole life in front of him. Over the course of this last year, and more recently as I've corresponded with him in this last month, he's been able to quickly assimilate into a semi-open gay world that has embraced him with open arms. He has made connections with several guys and begun the adventure of relationships with men, discovering the peace and satisfaction of being open to who is he and no longer being lost in that proverbial dark closet spending time and energy in hiding.

I've congratulated him on this transition and honestly feel he is smart and wise beyond his years and is making intelligent and mature decisions that truly are best for him and his situation. He is approaching this new world in a healthy and head-on-straight way and I couldn't be more proud of him - and I've told him such!

As I've voyeuristically peered into his "new" and "exciting" world of gay relationships, I find myself envious... green with envy as they say as I see that he is doing what I longingly wish I could. As he looks back at me, my "chosen lifestyle" frustrates him to death, because of the angst I endure. It's interesting - our two perspectives of each other.

Now I'm not judging my friend and the choices he's making. In fact, I'm embracing them with him, encouraging him on, as I live vicariously through his ups and downs, infatuations and loves, disappointments and recommitments of the gay world. I'm envious of him and the choices he's making.

Now also, I'm not calling anyone "gay" here a sinner. Nor am I saying that "being GAY" is a sin! I've crossed that stream miles ago! In fact, any faithful reader of this BLOG knows that I prefer even now to call myself "GAY" verses SSA. So, don't anybody go there.

Yet, in my chosen lifestyle, and with my chosen belief system, I find myself desiring to cross the line of "sin" and have extramarital affairs with other guys. Though I've never done it, and have safety checks in my life to keep me from doing so, yet, I've still "desired to sin". I WANT TO SIN!!!

Is it a sin to kiss another guy? Of course not! Unless you are married like me! (You know this sounds like I'm holding a grudge because I'm married - ouch!) But I want to experience what I imagine he's experiencing!

And frankly, such "behavior" looks delicious to the taste and very desireable! And so, I envy those who, unlike me, are able to "get away with it" and cross that line and do such behavior. (NOTE: To my knowledge, my friend has not gone beyond a gay relation of affectionate friendship - kissing, hugging, cuddling etc. and yet even that makes me GREEN WITH ENVY. Such things in my book are NOT a SIN in his situation - in fact they are seen in my eyes as just and appropriate - and as such he is NOT a sinner). I AM THE SINNER HERE - guilty of the SIN OF ENVY, LUST, UNFAITHFULNESS, etc... You name it and I am guilty!

My view is distorted and mistaken... My current musing is somehow twisted to think that sin is something desirable and that those who sin and repent somehow enjoy an "advantage" over those who do not sin. My reaction isn't one of "moral superiority" as it is of ENVY of a carnal nature absolutely drooling over the goodies he's getting to enjoy, and ANGER because I can't have it too! In my case, gay relationships are something that I really WANT to have, but I don't GET to do... so I feel cheated.

Obviously, the Sunday School Answer is...

that those who are righteous who have kept the commandments "get" to live faithfully, "get" to have the companionship of the Spirit, and "get" to become more Christlike, while the poor sinners around us are stuck in the mud until they repent. The recently repentant should envy us our uninterrupted service to the Master rather than us envying their recent bondage to the adversary. The proper perspective is that I "got" to enjoy a relationship with Christ for thirty years, while that poor soul has enjoyed life in Christ only thirty days. I think I'm behind or at a disadvantage only if my hidden value system puts a higher diserability on wickedness than on righteousness! It's a matter of which you really feel is best - the life of sin or life in Christ. If the former, then letting sinners off the hook bothers you, and you want them to suffer (to balance out all that extra fun and pleasure they had and you didn't). If the latter, then you know that their sinful lifestyle was already its own punishment, and you rejoice with the angels over those who have repented and been redeemed.
-- Stephen E. Robinson Following Christ

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know! I know! I hate Sunday School answers!!!

And I know that GRACE involves mercy and mercy overcomes all and salvation, even exaltation can come to those who embrace the Savior (as was the HIT-YOU-ON-THE-HEAD-WITH-THE-SHARP-END-OF-THE-HAMMER-UNTIL-YOU-FINALLY-WAKE-UP-AND-NOTICE-YOUR-FOREHEAD-IS-BLEEDING-AND-DENTED-IN-BECAUSE-IT-WAS-HIT-SO-MANY-TIMES-IN-THE-SAME-SPOT THEME of General Conference last weekend!!!!) - and it has been the theme of my most recent blog entries and readings...

But you know... I'm not there yet. As much as I want to think otherwise, I somehow can't get over the fact that what I'm doing, the choices I'm making are REALLY better than going off with a guy and doing what comes naturally. I'm really struggling with that concept of others who are "getting away" with stuff while I "struggle to be faithful". I'm forever building up angst with the fact that I want to look back with longing and envy at the pillar of salt! I don't want to hold to the iron rod... unless it takes me back to that salt!

You know, it's like the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). It is NOT a lesson on repentance and forgiveness as it is a lesson of ENVY! The lesson is obviously not of the repentant first son, but of the second son, the faithful son, who never left his father and was there tending to his father's business. He was the one who was ENVIOUS of his brother, envious of his brother's sin, lifestyle, choices, etc. and even envious of the party thrown in his behalf at his return. He was envious that he didn't "get to get away with anything". His reward was the satisfaction of "thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine" (v.31).

Somehow, in this carnal and devilish and imperfect mind of mine, that satisfaction still isn't good enough... I still long for that romantic kiss! I'm still envious of that pillar of salt and the iron rod is getting very slippery! (sorry for the scriptural mixed metaphors).