Monday, July 06, 2009

Voices, nudity, and feeling weak and stupid...

I feel very weak and vulnerable. I am angsty and anxious as I've been in a long time...

My wife came back, we cuddled, and had a normal weekend and yet, I'm still as angsty as can be.

I went to church, did my lesson (felt like I was going through the motions - even with beautiful, gorgeous Will in attendance with his golden curly hair and piercing blue eyes - I couldn't concentrate or even look at that end of the room - it was all I could do to keep teaching without jumping him right then and there! ARGGHHH!!! Why did he have to attend my class now in the middle of this gay pon farr????), endured an uninspiring Fast and Testimony Meeting (I know, I know... I'm there for worship and not to be entertained). The point is, my anxiousness has not subsided from any spiritual feast from the Sabbath.

I have this nagging feeling that "endurance isn't worth it". It's like... why am I hanging on? Why do I long for what I desire but not truly want? I hear voices that whisper to me that it's not worth it. One side of me knows the source from where those voices come. But another side feels it just isn't worth it, that so much of life's experiences and lessons and what I'm here to learn from this passion, is being missed, buried like a hidden treasure never to see the light of day, or better yet, buried like the one receiving the "one talent", not magnifying and helping to grow that which with he was given to "increase".

I hear voices that tell me that I should explore my options - that I am the owner of my sexuality - and figure out ways to "grow" my talents. I hear voices that keep me back and tell me those notions are not right, that my wife owns my sexuality, and only she can release me of them.

Meanwhile, since I can't do what I desire to do, I have this unquenchable notion to go do something stupid - like skinny-dip in the Great Salt Lake, or sunbathe nude (is it wrong to sunbathe in the buff if no one sees you?), or hike on my mountain nude (if you're alone and free and communing with nature and mosquitoes, is that okay?), or all of the above. Is it the alignment of the planets that makes me have these notions? In a previous post, I was comforted to know that I was not alone in such thoughts - and I kidded that maybe we need to have a 1st annual MOHO"nature hike" or "nature swim". Maybe this is pretty lame and juvenile and adolescent and stupid... but, that is how I'm feeling, very lame, very juvenile, very adolescently stunted, very stupid!!!

Any takers?

I don't know... I just feel a strong need to do something crazy! To feel alive and free and passionate somehow! Is that too much to ask? Otherwise, I'm feeling so boxed in that I could scream and do damage to something, especially hurting those I love the most. I can't live on such an emotional flatline... I want to feel a thrill to let me know that this gay boy is still alive!

Any suggestions?

What do you do when you feel crazy?

If I can't go have a gay relationship with another man, as my "real" self won't let me, then what can I do instead to ease this anxiousness and craziness?

I need constructive suggestions!
I've been researching the Greek Isles. Lots of natural sunbathing going on. Maybe I should go to Greece.
P.S. I don't mean offense on images I posted - and hope none is taken - just feeling pretty angsty right now - and the Beckness is getting to me...


Ezra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ezra said...

I deleted my first comment because it was very discouraging. You don't need that.

Humans operate on a pleasure/pain system. Everything we do is motivated by pain and pleasure. Right now, you perceive more pain coming from experimenting with your sexuality and getting your physical needs fulfilled, than the pain of enduring the longing.

Someday, you may experience a paradigm shift, and you'll feel that the pleasure of being able to be the full, complete true beck will outweigh the pain of separation.

But only you will know when/if that happens.

A.J. said...

would an intense workout at the gym help? You'd be around men but in a safe enviroment and the physical exercise sometimes helps. I don't know. I am sorry I don't have anything contstructive to say. Heck I can't even spell. I'll pray for you.

Philip said...


My posts have probably just added to your angst so I am going to stop posting.

I want you to know that I am thinking of you. Now excuse me while I make myself scarce.


Beck said...

EZRA: The line between "Beck" and the "real Beck" is really thin, and thinning. I feel on the verge of doing something stupid... (other than even posting such a stupid, immature post as this one).

Whether I'm going through a paradigm shift or not, I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of this cycle. I was supposed to have been better than this. I was supposed to have been more accepting of myself (and I was) to have moved beyond this reversal.

But obviously I haven't... and here I am just wanting to run away naked into the sunset.

Thanks for trying to be encouraging. I'm not really discouraged, and I don't mind if you were brutally honest with me and restored your deleted comment. I would prefer brutal, harsh honesty right now. I don't want you, or anyone else who may be reading this, to pussy-foot around me and try to encourage me to hang on through my self-pity drama.

I want brutal, honest, harsh, reality based comments, and suggestions, knowing who I am (as well as I let you) and knowing from my 3+ years of public blogging what I am.

AJ: I wouldn't have considered the gym as an option a year ago, but now, with recent developments, I'm seeing it as a real possibility and am going to look into it seriously. It is time to pursue a real outsource, and this suggestion of yours is a good one.

Beck said...

PHILIP: Why do you say such a thing? You aren't the source of my current increase in immaturity and anxiety. If I knew what caused this, I'd stop it... It will subside, I just hope it will before I do something that I'll regret.

But, I would feel even more regret if you felt to step aside and no longer comment. I need your feedback and wisdom and sanity. Don't back off. Now is when I need your comments the most.


MoHoHawaii said...

Running naked is a metaphor for freedom from constraint. Of course you want to do this, and there's nothing wrong or sinful about it. Check out

(Go to a secluded spot in the mountains for a few minutes of naturist sunbathing. It will do wonders for your mood.)

As for the rest... you need a competent, gay-friendly, MOM-supportive, LDS-friendly non-LDS therapist who is willing to challenge you.

I like the gym idea, too. Work out until you are exhausted. It definitely will burn out some of the angst.

Bror said...

Nice pictures as always. I must admit I have been having my own "gay pon far". I have the same thoughts and cravings you do. So maybe for us it is normal. Doing something crazy sounds good. I do like the idea of a moho nature hike. If you get one together let me know.
baking in the Arizona sun
bror :)

Beck said...

MOHOH: I'm liking the hike idea... I'm liking the gym idea...

And believe it or not, I'm liking the therapy idea. I've avoided therapy for a variety of reasons, as you know, but a fundamental one has been that I didn't know what I wanted therapy to accomplish for me - I didn't know what to ask or what outcome I was seeking, and I didn't feel like I knew what the issue was enough to feel it valid or necessary to talk to someone about - I felt like this was something I was handling well enough on my own, and that I'm okay and making progress and so why do I need to go see someone to just talk when I know better about what's going on inside me with this split personality disorder that bubbles to the surface every now and again...

But now, it feels like I have something to put my head around. I'm not progressing. I'm tired of these cycles. I'm needing an outsource that is positive for me and my loved ones. Maybe those are reasons enough to seek assistance from a professional? Maybe I'm finally ready to give it another chance...

Thank you for your concern. I remember you had a suggestion of a name or two that fits the qualifications you describe for someone for me to talk to. Maybe this time I'm ready to listen...

Beck said...

BROR: Thanks for liking the photos, but... Be honest - the pictures are beyond normal decorum - even for Beck! I feel guilty and may take them down... I shouldn't act so immaturely.

Are you serious about the nature hike? Do you find yourself up along the Wasatch very often? Maybe we can have it in Southern Utah - the mountain I hiked five years ago in the buff is not too far from Cove Fort. Maybe we could meet there?

Hang in there. I have no suggestions of how to do that but to just keep doing it.

Ezra said...


My first comment merely said that your feelings will probably only get worse--my intense longing for men is gone. No, I'm still gay--but I've been able to date and hug and kiss men. It's no longer something out of reach. The repressed desires are no longer magnified out of proportion to reality.

I personally think that you are right, they will subside--you're brow-beating them into submission, and they will eventually quiet. Possibly with the assistance of masturbation. But they will return, and keep returning, stronger each time.

That was my experience, anyway.

Beck said...

MOHOH said: "Running naked is a metaphor for freedom from constraint."

So is all this naked talk just my subconscious mind desiring more freedom of expression?

Beck said...

EZRA: You mean it doesn't spike like this anymore? This intense longing for men actually is gone?

Wow, I can't even imagine that happening. My definition of being "gay" is feeling the way I do, having these spikes of abnormal (or normalness depending on your point of view) behavior and longings. If I didn't have these spikes, I would think I would be "less gay" than I am or maybe "not gay" at all.

Of course that would require that I have more access to men, which isn't likely. But, to live with normal realm of reality would be a novel idea...

I'm trying to get my head around this one...

Sean said...

Dearest Beck,

When I'm feeling particularly angsty, I jump in a pool and swim a killer hard work out. That usually releases all my pent-up emotions allowing me to be free of them. Then I am too tired to start feeling them again. It works wonders for me but I know that's not for everybody. I have other things that I do too, but they like swimming don't fit everyone's mold.

I know that I have had this to you multiple times, but I'm going to repeat it anyways. Do the thing that you have a particular passion for and let your angst drive you to reach new, greater limits in your passion. So you are passionate about photography... set up a time to go take pictures and try to take your pictures to a new, greater level. Put your focus into your pictures and leave the angst behind. I know that I find my passions to be very therapeutic.

Good luck buddy and if all else fails, I suggest that you might ask a hometeacher or your bishop for a blessing. That always works for me too.

Humongous Sean hug for you Beck! :)

Ned said...

I strongly agree with Sean. I find immersion in water with other nearly-naked men and women to be healing and liberating. It is not quite as crazy as running naked outdoors, but then again it won't get you arrested either.

Our first home as physical beings was in the warm, nurturing liquid of the womb. Our bodies are more than 75 percent water. We not only need it to live, but we are largely made of it.

Is it any wonder that once we meet the challenges of breathing and moving through it, swimming is such a renewing, life-affirming experience for so many.

Perhaps part of the thrill is that water can also kill anyone of us. It's all about how you work with it and respect it. You're never more than one breath a way from trouble, so each time you swim and live to tell about it, you've escaped death once again.

Swimming has also helped me with self-acceptance. I see others in all shapes, sizes, ages and levels of skill enjoying the water and it somehow empowers me to be more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm glad your recent swim was positive and I encourage you to continue to experiment in this realm. It may help quench your pon farr thirst, or throw gasoline on the flames, or perhaps paradoxically do both at the same time.

Troy said...

Beck, you need to stop posting pictures of yourself on your blog. it's a bit narcissistic :P

Ezra said...


Imagine that you LOVE ice cream. You CRAVE IT. You want it so badly--but you can't have any. Your mom has you on a diet and it's completely off limits. You want to feel the cold on your tongue, the creamy silky flavors creating a symphony in your mouth. It would drive you crazy thinking about it, right?

Now imagine that you are an adult, and you can have ice cream any time you want. It's not longer off limits because you're in charge. You can binge and have so much that it makes you sick--or you may be more moderated in your approach. But now that you can walk to the corner store and buy an ice cream cone, you don't obsess about it. It's just there whenever the mood suites you.

That's kinda how it's been for me (not that I'm going down to "the corner" for a fix, lol) you get me?

santorio said...

i'm trying to get up the confidence to go to a nude yoga class. i've been doing yoga for years so i know i can handle the poses, it's my old body that i'm not too sure is presentable, though i talked with the teacher and he said he thought i'd fit in, thugh he's just seen me in shorts and a tank top

Over the Rainbow said...

Beck- I'm sorry you are struggling so much and that, being straight and without much of a sex drive, I can't offer better advice.

I highly agree with the idea of swimming or working out at a gym (I mean expression of sexual oppression is the reason so many BYU students are always going on runs!!)

I've been amazed at how much therapy has helped in my life- a therapist can help you discover things that are very hard to find on your own. And I think that friendships with other MOM husbands could be so valuable for you!!

I really hope that you start to feel less anxious and that you can find peace in your life- whatever paths you choose to find that peace.

Don't forget to call on G-d, He loves you so much- as I'm sure your wife does- and He cares and He can help.

PS- think about things before you do anything crazy- not that things are bad, evil, or wrong, but actions affect other people and slopes are very slippery. Just be sure- honest with yourself and happy with your choices.

MoHoHawaii said...

Absolutely. It's not about the nudity; it's about the freedom.

MoHoHawaii said...

Oh, and my experience was the same as Ezra's. Once I came out and actually starting dating men, my crazy, out-of-control libido freak outs just stopped. For example, I remember that back when I was married just being in the same room as a super handsome man could put me into such a stupor that I could hardly speak. After I came out (and especially after I had a boyfriend) that just went away. I became much more relaxed about the whole subject. I've been there, and I think the closet is a tough place to be. I really do have some idea of what you're going through.

Beck said...

SEAN: I love photography, but it doesn't do it for me in softening these spikes. I've got to do something more physical, more engaging, more out there. I really am thinking about taking up swimming or gym or something physical in nature. I'm becoming more comfortable with that idea. Never would have said that before.

Thanks for your enthusiasm and friendship, my young doctor to be!

NED: As noted above, I've been giving the swimming / gym thing a serious consideration. Anything is better than just moping over these anxious moods I get in with no recourse or alternative to consider but to jump into bed with someone.

Thanks for your encouragement and showing the way to find constructive alternatives. Whether taking up swimming will be negative or positive or both, remains to be seen, but I've got to try something more than I've been doing - and that's just "enduring" which sucks big time.

Beck said...

TROY: Sorry about the photos... I couldn't help myself in showing off how well my little workouts have been coming along! :)

EZRA: Gotta love that ice cream! Your ice cream analogy really makes sense. I understand you better now. Sure, I love ice cream, but I'm fine in not gorging myself on it every day, even though I could. This helps me to see how my spikes of angstiness are caused by self-deprevation, yet, finding a positive way to satisfy my "needs" still remains the ticket. I would love to arrive at the point where I can walk into a room of gorgeous guys and just be totally fine about them all without wiggin' out. Can that day come while remaining in the closet? Probably not... but maybe being deminished a bit may be more a realistic goal for someone in a situation like me.

Beck said...

SANTORIO: A nude yoga class? Wow! Never thought of that one. I'm okay with nakedness in the desert or mountain, or Greek Island beach, but in a yoga class? You've got to update me on that one and let me know how it goes!

RAINBOW: Never been a fan of therapy - never thought I was a candidate for it - never imagined what I would talk about to establish the "need". But, now I do. Now I think I see what I want to ask and how to work through these periods so they don't spike so much (or maybe I want them to spike?) Anyway, thanks for your testimonial on therapy being helpful.

Friendships with other MOM guys have proven to be very helpful and I have found them to be of great support during these times and otherwise. I want to continue these relationships even more.

Beck said...

MOHOH: I know you know from where you speak. I know you were once where I am. I can see your understanding and patience and placing your comments within proper perspectives of what I'm going through. Even though you've advised me before on this subject - here you are again, patiently trying to mentor without judgment. That means a lot to me.

To think that I could calm down and not freak out and be thrown "into a stupor that I could hardly speak" would be a novel idea. I'd love to just once be able to face Will at church and not get all freaked out.

MoHoHawaii said...

Honestly, I don't see myself as the guy with the answers. Life is a confusing mix and what might be great advice for one person could be disastrous for another. Anyone (and this includes "authorities") who says that they have it figured out is lying. We all stumble through blind and lost.

The good news: we're all blind and lost, so it's not as if anyone else has particular advantage.

I have faith that you'll do fine.

Ezra said...

To add something to what MoHoHawaii said--

You couldn't make a mistake if you tried. This is something I learned from my father. Everything we do is correct for us at the time, and if we regret it later, we've grown and changed.

We are the sum total of all our trials, failings, joys and successes. They are all equally important in shaping us.

I love this community and all those who seek for a better life each day. We are truly blessed.

I've done things that in retrospect probably aren't great, but I try not to regret because they taught me more about who I am.

A.J. said...

gosh, I wish all those handsome man bottoms were interesting to me....oh well. Hope you are feeling better today.-A.J.

Beck said...

Don't worry A.J.... they're gone. I felt they were inappropriate, so they're gone.

Ezra said...

This may have the record for most comments on any post I've read.

Beck said...

EZRA: For the record, I received (43) posted comments of my 11/11/08 blog post, and (53) comments from my 12/1/08 post. Both had dealings with my friend "Thomas" and the explosion of concern regarding that relationship.

So, this is nothing! :)

But, thanks to all for their comments. They are all appreciated very much.

Sarah said...

Darn it. Is that what I get for being behind on my blog reading? I miss the hot behinds? ;)

Sarah said...

Nevermind...the photos were all in my feed reader...he he he :)

Over the Rainbow said...

Either I'm way suppressed from being molested or something is wrong with me because I didn't enjoy the photos- I wasn't offended just not much for men that aren't clothed!!