I feel very weak and vulnerable. I am angsty and anxious as I've been in a long time...
My wife came back, we cuddled, and had a normal weekend and yet, I'm still as angsty as can be.
I went to church, did my lesson (felt like I was going through the motions - even with beautiful, gorgeous Will in attendance with his golden curly hair and piercing blue eyes - I couldn't concentrate or even look at that end of the room - it was all I could do to keep teaching without jumping him right then and there! ARGGHHH!!! Why did he have to attend my class now in the middle of this gay pon farr????), endured an uninspiring Fast and Testimony Meeting (I know, I know... I'm there for worship and not to be entertained). The point is, my anxiousness has not subsided from any spiritual feast from the Sabbath.
I have this nagging feeling that "endurance isn't worth it". It's like... why am I hanging on? Why do I long for what I desire but not truly want? I hear voices that whisper to me that it's not worth it. One side of me knows the source from where those voices come. But another side feels it just isn't worth it, that so much of life's experiences and lessons and what I'm here to learn from this passion, is being missed, buried like a hidden treasure never to see the light of day, or better yet, buried like the one receiving the "one talent", not magnifying and helping to grow that which with he was given to "increase".
I hear voices that tell me that I should explore my options - that I am the owner of my sexuality - and figure out ways to "grow" my talents. I hear voices that keep me back and tell me those notions are not right, that my wife owns my sexuality, and only she can release me of them.
Meanwhile, since I can't do what I desire to do, I have this unquenchable notion to go do something stupid - like skinny-dip in the Great Salt Lake, or sunbathe nude (is it wrong to sunbathe in the buff if no one sees you?), or hike on my mountain nude (if you're alone and free and communing with nature and mosquitoes, is that okay?), or all of the above. Is it the alignment of the planets that makes me have these notions? In a previous post, I was comforted to know that I was not alone in such thoughts - and I kidded that maybe we need to have a 1st annual MOHO"nature hike" or "nature swim". Maybe this is pretty lame and juvenile and adolescent and stupid... but, that is how I'm feeling, very lame, very juvenile, very adolescently stunted, very stupid!!!
I don't know... I just feel a strong need to do something crazy! To feel alive and free and passionate somehow! Is that too much to ask? Otherwise, I'm feeling so boxed in that I could scream and do damage to something, especially hurting those I love the most. I can't live on such an emotional flatline... I want to feel a thrill to let me know that this gay boy is still alive!
What do you do when you feel crazy?
If I can't go have a gay relationship with another man, as my "real" self won't let me, then what can I do instead to ease this anxiousness and craziness?
I need constructive suggestions!
I've been researching the Greek Isles. Lots of natural sunbathing going on. Maybe I should go to Greece.
P.S. I don't mean offense on images I posted - and hope none is taken - just feeling pretty angsty right now - and the Beckness is getting to me...