I feel confident that the only way I'm going to go forward is to take steps in a forward-looking direction. Indeed, I've taken many a step in the last few years, and good things have happened (particularly healing about my own perception of myself), but inevitably, I tend to step in circles and never go anywhere.
I've concluded that my keeping my wife in the dark about certain things, including this blog, is really a main source of keeping us both from progressing. I've finally realized that if I am going to expect more understanding and growth on her part in accepting this aspect of who I am and the attractions and needs that go with it, then I'm going to have to be part of the "bringing her along" process.
I don't expect huge gains or even open acceptance of any of this. Knowing her as I do, I think she'd be happy if the whole thing would just go away and we could go back to it never having raised its head. But, it isn't going away and we BOTH know that, so ignoring it or keeping her in the dark while I try to embrace the light, isn't going to work.
So, I want to at least begin the process of opening our closet door that she and I have been dwelling in - just a bit... just a crack... to let some light shine on her as well as me, as we peak out and see a view beyond the box we are in inside this closet. NOTE: I'm not talking about coming out to my extended family, my ward family, my associates and friends. That will be another journey for another time. Instead, I'm talking about just communicating more, being more open and honest about what I'm thinking and feeling and what she is thinking and feeling, and being more honest about YOU, the readers of this drama-sick blog of mine, and having her see YOU as a good thing, a supportive thing, a non-threatening thing... and in the process maybe win back some of the lost trust she feels because of my "longings".
So, here's my plan:
1. I'm taking her on a picnic tonight up "our mountain" to watch the sunset.
2. I'm going to be more honest with her and tell her about what a MOHO is and what this ad hoc community of bloggers is all about.
3. I'm going to tell her that I've needed this support and outreach to help me to sort through all these feelings and baggage that I've been carrying for so many years.
4. I'm going to tell her that I've communicated with and met some great people in this community and she may, or may not, want to reach out for support, as she feels appropriate and ready to do so. She may not, and I'm okay with that. She may, in which case, I plan to facilitate what form or source of support she would like to receive. I'm aware that each person is different (this is my unique path for myself for my own reasons) and so I'm not sure where this will lead, if anywhere.
5. I will tell her I've blogged, but for now I'm not ready YET to share it with her, as it is a personal journey into the alter-ego. And as I respect her journal, I would ask that she respect mine. I'm not sure how this is going to go over exactly.
6. I'm seeking counseling. I have decided to go to at least two (2) therapists - with different approaches - in hopes of "trying on and seeing what fits". I have one appointment at the end of the month and hope first of the week to have the second appointment scheduled as well. I am going to be open and honest with my wife about the counseling process and let her know of what is said and done - not hiding it from her.
7. If it becomes appropriate, I will invite her to join in counseling. She has already agreed that she would be willing to do this.
8. I'm going to try to do things that will not threaten her or destroy the trust between us. This is a hard one. I'm not totally there yet on how to do this. Maybe with counseling, I can come to terms with a plan whereby I can instigate measures to accomplish this, without destroying who I am as a person and my needs to be who I am fully and wholly and completely.
9. I have a vision in this "path forward" of how I can live as a gay man (it's easier to say it that way than any other way) and be free to explore friendships, brotherhood, embraces, and relationships that are positive and uplifting and need-fulfilling and supportive, and do so in ways that are not threatening her or destroying the trust between us.
10. I'm going to finish my list of "what I really want". I've written most if it down, but I want to go over it again and have it in writing before me in a clear guide map for this journey.
If I can get to this point of honesty and trust and vision, then I feel I've achieved my goal of actually making progress, moving forward this time (I know, I know, many of you are saying... "It's about time, Beck!" *sigh* ), not in circles.
I'm open to thoughts and suggestions about my plan. Any comments? Feedback?
I'm also curious, now that this is private for the time-being, if anyone is really out there, or am I talking to myself like usual?