Thursday, October 30, 2008

"It is not good for man to be alone..."

For those who have been a missionary, remember that little rule called "always stay with your companion"? Well, I think there is real value in that. And I'm not talking about missionaries here.

My wife and kids have been out of town this week. That has left me alone to think and do lots of stupid things - case in point, see the previous two posts. I know I'm not the only one, but even knowing so, and observing what stupid things others have done while they were separated from their wife, somehow isn't enough to persuade me to consider and do things that I would never do if my "companion" were here with me. And knowing the stupidity of some of these things that I and others have done, still at this moment, doesn't keep me from doing them.

I've allowed my mind to go in places that I've never allowed it to go before. I've been thinking of doing things that I've never allowed myself to do before. Hell, I've even thought of getting the massage that was suggested a while back, but not just any massage... no I've found a gay massage therapist and several massage/escort services right here in SLC. And I'm half tempted to click the button and make the appointment right now. Why wouldn't I want a strong and muscular 20 something running his large hands all over me?

I've stopped wearing my authorized underwear this week, purchased some alternates, to sensually experience and see what it feels like to be "free" and to "find myself" and to "take ownership" of my sexuality and to leave all this baggage behind. I've toyed with the idea for the first time of really wanting to find out what it's like, tired of the dreaming and fantasizing and juvenile games I play with myself and those around me... always walking on the edge, but never really allowing myself to step across the line, always fearful of falling off that proverbial cliff. I've considered that now is the time to really "know" what it's like and stop longing.

It's safe. I'm alone. No one will know, right?

I've talked this week with a friend and written another, both of whom are encouraging me to be happy, content with myself, and at liberty to take control of my life. And why shouldn't I? I'm not getting any younger and sooner or later, if ever, I'm going to be so old that no one will want anything to do with me, no matter how much I pay them. Who knows - I'm probably at that stage already. Is that what this has come down to? Is my clock running out? How many more week long opportunities will I have to be alone to work up the courage to do it? Or maybe I should take an extra day or two on the end of the next business trip? After all, it can be arranged out of town as well, right?

I fool myself and have even testified countless times over the course of this hideous blog that all I really want is a close male friendship, an intimate hug, a soft kiss, a little non-erotic bromance, or even yet a bit of erotic, but innocent romance - always denying that I don't want the sex... I'm not in it for the sex. And my friends tell me respectfully and kindly that I don't know what I'm talking about and question how I can be sure what I want if I don't ever really experience it first to find out?

They're right. I don't really know. I'm still at the stage of innocence. I've been innocent all my life. A couple of times I got close to knowing, but something kept me back and I really don't know. I don't know at all what I'm talking about...

These thoughts are haunting me... seeing that I've sacrificed all these years to withhold myself of ever knowing what my body and soul aches to discover, to feel, to know - truly know... and for what?

Yeah, for what?

I'm torturing myself with thoughts, allowing my mind and emotions to gett the better part of me, driving myself insane this week. I've been called brave. I've been told that these adolescent steps are just part of the process. I don't think I'm brave... I've led my whole life as a "good boy", never needing to seriously repent as I haven't seriously done anything - always stopping, always retreating, always failing to actually do anything really brave and cross the line - after all, even if I get on the other side and find it isn't worth it, I can repent, right? That's what the Gospel is all about... Hell, I haven't really even put to practice the Gospel in my life by always being the "good boy", no? Where's the joy in knowing if you never truly know the Lord is there for you when you fall.

The prodigal son was welcomed back with open arms. The "good son" was left scratching his head in bewilderment at the treatment of his sinning brother. Yet, his blessing, his joy was in the fact that all that the Father has was always his... someday. One day...

It's funny, I can't do it... As much as I want to call my friend and have him arrange for me to meet up with a mutual friend, I can't do it... As much as I want to wrap my mind around it and just get to the other side of the line, I can't do it... As much as I desire "freedom" and "ownership" of my sexuality and accept the fact that I'm in charge here and shouldn't be kept prisoner by the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, I just can't...

All I have to do is think about my wife and I can't do it. When I put her out of my mind, it is easier. But with her image in my mind, with hearing her voice on the phone, I just can't do it...

So I change my underwear, and I stop viewing what I shouldn't, and I put away those things that titillate, and I stop dwelling on what I don't have and concentrate on what I do have... and I continue to blog late into the night... alone... still wondering... still longing to know just once...

We all need companions...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Trunk-or-Treat II

Okay... so, it's the day after...

and yes, I went to the ward party... and yes, I wore my low-rise jeans way low... and yes I wore my tight Italian shirt, but...

no, I didn't go with the earrings, guyliner and manscara. Some of this community's comments got to me about the unseen consequences of such with my wife and kids not present... so, like always, like the story of my life, I desire more than I do, and I backed off and stayed in my shell.

Someone asked "what" I was and I said I was a "teenage boy" and they shrugged.

Another complemented me on my "mask".


little do they know the mask I wear.

I did my obligatory assignments as a good dutiful boy (as always) and then slipped out early and disappeared home.


But, seeing there is a "Beck Fan Club" (which I still doubt it's existence), and seeing the demand for photos... at the risk of blowing my thinly cloaked anonymity, I reveal for the first time ever self-portraits for your laughter quotient for the day...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Did I tell you that I absolutely hate stupid ward parties that try to have some "gospel purpose" of service or social interaction with those you don't want to be social with and really amount to nothing but everyone coming out of obligation?

Tonight is "Trunk-or-Treat" night at the ward. Children and adults alike will be dressing up. So, I decided that since I am gay and since I can't "be" gay, then at least I can "pretend to be" gay. And what better time than at Halloween where inhibitions are thrown out the window and we can become our alter-egos?

I love my low-rise jeans! I love the way they make me feel. I like that I CAN wear them! At first I was embarrassed to wear them, but when no one said anything about them, I decided they were no big deal and I could get away with wearing them after all. So I'm going to wear my low-rise jeans really low, along with my super tight Italian muscle-sleeveless shirt (I've been working out on my upper arms and not nearly as ashamed of them as a few months ago - still a long way to go, but at least now they've got some shape and cut to them), my hooped earrings in each ear, guyliner and a touch of manscara on, and my hair messed in a faux mohawk.

If anyone asks "what" I am, I'll say that I'm a confused-gayboy-looking-for-a-boyfriend (which is the truth), kind of like an ironic coming out. And, if I chicken out, then I guess I can say that I'm a guy-in-the-middle-of-a-serious-midlife-crisis. Since my wife and kids are out of town and I'm stuck going anyway (because I have one of those obligation assignments to fulfill), all the more reason to go for it!

So what do you think? Should I do it?

It's so pathetic that I am so dishonest with who I am, that I'm reduced to this thought process of adolescent game-playing manifestation of a serious crisis boiling inside me....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

"Beck, are you happy?"

Okay, so I'm soooo gay, and most everyone knows it whether they'll tell it to my face or not (including my family, my neighbors, my ward members and even my fellow High Priests (though they really don't have a clue)). And if I did come out, there wouldn't be that big of a shock (other than that I've been married for 27 years and have played the straight guy to the best of my ability).

And I didn't choose to be gay, but I have chosen not to be extra gay.

Though I'm longing for that which I can't have, or be that which I can't be, I am content with who I am. But, Damon asked "Beck, are you happy?"

I don't know how to answer that question. I am happy most of the time. I like my life and I've learned to like myself - despite many shortcomings. I feel like I know who I am and I know where I'm going. I have felt joy with my wife, with my kids, with my testimony. I have felt extreme love and have loved extremely. I also feel at times lonely, confused, frustrated - because I live this longing life and wear this constant disguise, and at times, it becomes so fatiguing. I'm so tired.

But am I happy? I don't really know. At times, yes. I'm mainly "okay". When someone asks how I am, I typically answer "okay". I'm not depressed. I do desire to get out of bed each day and be self-confident, and do my best.

I mean, really, who is happy? (And don't say the authentic person who is honest with himself). I know who I am and striving to be who I am is all I can do.

But am I happy?

I don't know... what do you think, knowing what you know about me?

And, are you happy?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Certifiably Gay....

In the last post, Playa (who is the authority on most everything gay), declared, describing me:

"you are soooo gay!"

Thus, it must finally be true! I often have wanted to have some professional medical expert or doctor make such an irrefutable declaration, but when I've talked with them, it always seems to be determined by an evaluation of myself. That's like grading my own paper - what value is that? I've wondered when I would be declared certifiably gay, not partially gay, not a 4 on the Kinsey scale, but a complete and undeniable 6...

And now it has happened. Thanks, Playa...

Actually, this makes me wonder how many out there in my real life are just as convinced that I am "soooo gay", when I think that I'm hiding it so well. Or, how many would really be surprised if I were to out myself to them - or would it just be a big "ho-hum, no big deal - we knew that long ago" kind of thing.

A couple of months ago, I came across a fellow blogger in this community who knew me nearly 27 years ago (what are the odds???). We've since caught up with each other and discovered now how each of us is gay, married, with kids, and still active in the Church with testimonies to boot. When he finally realized who I was he said this about me:

"I just came across your blog a few days ago, but it didn't take too long to figure out (who you were)... Looking back you are so gay! I think it is funny now. I loved you then and I still do."

Thinking that I would be offended by the comment that I am "so gay", he offered this clarification:

"I felt bad about saying "you are so gay." I need to explain. When I say gay, I mean it for all the good things you and I understand is inherent with the gayness in us - the love, drama, excitement, creativity, closeness, exuberance, zest for culture, art, music, etc. I never thought at the time you were gay. You are such a loving endearing person, and I think that is how most people read you. Don't worry about it. You are who you are and people love you."

Actually, I took no offense. Instead, I was quite pleased. I'm totally fine with being "soooo gay". As it says, the truth will be declared by two or three witness... So, it's just nice finally to be certifiably gay.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A pretty weird dream...

I had a really vivid dream last night. I can't seem to concentrate and get to work this morning until I write it down. I'm hesitant to do so. I'll try to not be too graphic. NOTE: remember this is my subconscious mind speaking so promise not to laugh as I feel very vulnerable here....

I know I had been married, but like usual in my dreams, my wife wasn't in the picture. I did have kids and a past life of commitment to my family as that became key later.

I was escorted by my sister to an MTC of sorts for gay men. It was something that she had volunteered for me to do. I don't remember signing up for this and I was very confused why I was there. There were lots of beautiful guys there in the orientation room with their families, most 20-something young, fit and attractive. My sister was the only family member with me, giving me moral support and encouraging me that everything would be okay, noting how nervous and confused I seemed.

After the orientation and debriefing, I was paired off with a "companion". We were told that we would needed to be with our companion at all times. I kept thinking I was going on a mission of some sort, but it wasn't really a mission as much as a relationship program. When I looked at my companion, he was a 20-something good looking confident guy that had on a really tight tee shirt showing a well-trained body. He obviously was the "experienced" one of the two of us. When I looked at me, I was still normal me, but I was younger in appearance maybe by 10 years or so, but still older than most around me.

We had been paired as companions from a computer survey. Those that lacked confidence and self-assurance, but who had learned the value of commitment, were coupled with those that oozed with self-confidence and self-assuredness, but lacked the value of commitment in a relationship. We were to "teach each other" the strengths we brought to the companionship and would be observed by the organizers.

The buff brick walls, and sterile cafeteria, and stark training rooms and institutional environment were exactly out of the image of the MTC. But, we could eat all that we wanted and exercise in the fitness room (where my companion would help me train properly and lift weights, like my own personal trainer) - kind of like a cruise - and had less rules than "missionaries", but we couldn't leave the compound until the "lessons" were learned and we had to stay with our companion. One difference was our room had a single bed and we had to share it.

The first night I slept on the floor. He tried to coax me to sleep with him but I couldn't, and so he slept on the floor as well. I liked that. He was okay with who he was and he was so confident and masculine and beautiful. I felt dorky and shy and backward, but he appreciated my sensitive side and we talked that first night on the floor and became friends.

Over the course of a few days, we'd attend classes and were taught how to have a meaningful gay relationship. We'd learn and practice how to be good partners with each other. Some of the confident-type guys didn't like their committed-type companions and they'd start coupling up with similar types and were expelled from the program. I asked my companion if he wanted to leave me and he said no. This made me happy.

At first I was scared to touch him or sleep with him, but he "taught" me not to be afraid and we began to put into practice what we had been taught - leading step by step to more and more touch and intimacy. I was to teach him about commitment, but all I could think about was craving to learn from him on how to be intimate with a man.

He wanted to go fast and I kept wanting to take it slowly and know that if we kissed it was because there was meaning behind it. This frustrated him at first, and me, too (as he was sooo perfect and I wanted to be with him) but somehow I couldn't just do it to have a little fun - it had to be real and amazingly, he started to respect that and understand from where I was coming. So, we learned from each other, until it became really intense and sexual and...

And then I woke up in a panic. It was 4:00AM this morning and I was sweating. I tried to go back to sleep and pick up where I was, but I couldn't. It was gone, but all the feelings and emotions and passions of a real gay relationship were floating through my mind and they still are even now as I can't think of much of anything else.

Pretty weird, eh?

Any feedback?

Friday, October 17, 2008


I've been doing a lot of traveling and my journey into man-watching at airports has resurfaced again. I know, here we go again...

But, the other day at a terminal, as I sat acting like I was reading a book, but strategically placed to watch the parade of male humanity parade by, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to find a couple of great looking guys with guyliner on. It was subtle and nicely done (in my opinion), but yet still obviously there. These guys were fairly macho in appearance and dress (definitely NOT on the feminine side), but there they were as young gorgeous guys wearing make up, and I couldn't take my eyes off them!

Is this now getting to be more common than just in the music scene? Is this a trend that is crossing to the metrosexuals? Am I just becoming aware of this? And why, on the right guy, do I think this is really super hot? And why, on most other guys, do I think this is really freaky?
I can't keep up...

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I was in New England this last weekend. It was absolutely gorgeous! The skies were crisp and the leaves were at peak-color. I love the architecture, the historicity in the air, and the trees. I love the trees!

I know I have mountains literally in my backyard, and I love them as well, but there is something about real woods and real groves and real forests that you find in the east. They bring me peace and solace. I can see how Joseph Smith had an affinity for the Sacred Grove.

One feels God so near. Just a reminder to myself that I need to take more time and find a good woods to hike in and get away from the economic recession, the neverending election, and the angstiness of life - and stop and breathe and meditate and think more clearly.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Void of passion...

I really haven't posted on the elections. I try to keep my thoughts of politics to myself, not being one to debate the current issues. But after watching the debate last night, and enduring the last two years of the never-ending campaigns, I am so totally unmotivated by either candidate.

I am a person that is moved by passion. I am passionate about many things, including my family, my kids, the discovery of new things and new places (especially with an Italian connection), the thrill of great designs, the adrenalin rush of a fantastic view or breathtaking natural wonder, the joy of the gospel and impact of the spirit, the hush of the still small voice, the wonder of a gorgeous guy, the warmth of an intimate hug (had to throw that one in :))...
But, this political process is a major turn-off. The candidates instill in me the antithesis of passion. I feel lethargic and uninterested and turned off and repulsed by both. Neither has the answers... they just have the talking points (at one point, as I watched the debate with my mom, we both looked at each other and said "neither answers the question"... they give lip service to it and then move on to their own talking points). It was boring and non-inspirational and void of passion. There is no reason to vote for either, and if I vote for anyone else, it is a vote thrown away.

So what do I do? Am I alone out here? Is everyone else passionate for one of these guys? I feel so discouraged by the choices before us. I feel no passion for either and feel that no one can really do anything, nor be trusted or believed. I'm sick of the whole process and find the process is busted.

So, for those of you that are so passionate and find enlightenment and encouragement and excitement for the future with one of these candidates, can you so inspire me to get my passion back?
NOTE: The only thing I feel passionate about is "throwing the bums out"... all of them! And don't tell me that Obama is for "change" and McCain is for "the same old thing". From this point of view, they are both entrenched in "the same old thing".

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Un Tempio a Roma!

In the spirit of my last post, tears are flowing and chills are running up and down my spine as I just heard the announcement of the new temple in Rome, Italy. There was a brief dramatic pause in Pres. Monson's voice and an audible gasp from the congregation when these words were uttered.

For some, this may not mean much, but for me and my house, this is a day of joy and jubilation - a long sought day with much faith and prayers. My heart skips a beat or two as my spirit leaps for the dear and wonderful Italian saints. Though I have no known Italian blood physically flowing through my veins, if you really know me, you'll know that Italian brotherly and spiritual DNA are a crucial and critical part of who I am.

This day is a day of elation! Thanks for indulging me... If you were here with me I'd give you a big "abbraccio" (hug). I can't help it... After all my passion comes from being Italian.