Whatever - when I am alone on business trips, or on a week like this week when she is gone to YW camp, I get all angsty inside. I want to burst open and explore my gay side. I become more anxious and pre-occupied with the physical, and with the flesh and I crave male affection. At the time, it may be refreshing, revealing, and enlivening, but still, in the end, I feel empty, guilty, lonely.
Tuesday night was my anniversary night, and I was alone and couldn't sleep. Instead of finding my journal and reflecting on my marriage, I went down to the computer and clicked on YouTube and watched "Shelter" and "Mulligans", two gay movies. I had seen Shelter before and really enjoy the coming-to-terms-with-being-gay reality story that if offers in a beautiful way. I had not seen Mulligans before. I probably shouldn't have watched it. It isn't great cinema (Shelter is much better as a piece of cinematography), but it isn't bad either, and is tastefully done. But the message for gay married men in the closet coming to terms with being gay, is one that hits very close to home. The pain caused by the married middle-aged father fooling around with his son's best friend and discovering an expression of his hidden gayness and an outsource for these closeted emotions, seems all too real and within the realm of possibilities for me. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone caring to see it. And it makes me pause - what in the world am I doing?
NOTE: I moderately recommend it to married MOHOs - though the non-married crowd might think it's impossible and improbable that a married gay guy could live his life like this and hold out for so long and keep his family and marriage together and then all of a sudden lose it all when the right young guy comes to visit for the summer. Believe me when I say that this is more real than you non-married guys can even imagine. It is possible and probable - and therefore all the scarier. I think I read something from a gay film reviewer that thought the story was a joke and couldn't be taken seriously - "how could a gay guy that hot stay in the closet that long?" - etc.
I was driving around on errands yesterday, with lots of gay angst going on, and desiring so much to be held by JAF (my MOHO "just a friend"). I wanted him to hold me, but I knew in this mood I was in, it wouldn't have been a good thing. I had conjured up a way that we could rendezvous in the canyon where we could just walk, and talk, and be alone and...
Well, I was sane enough to text him instead, and tell him I was in this crazy mood and couldn't see him... and I kept driving and I returned home.
I can't seem to concentrate on work. I'm blogging when I should be working. I'm melancholy and out-of-sorts. I can't focus on anything but what I can't and shouldn't desire.
Anyway, I hate me when I get in these moods... :(
I hate this life...
I hope for a better holiday weekend!