Friday, February 26, 2010

Still a coward... still afraid...

As I read this week about Alan/Rob (Scrum) coming out on his blog with his real name, I feel so happy for him. And when I read comments from others on that post that wish other bloggers would be willing to throw open the curtain, too, and not hide so anonymously, I can't help but feel extreme guilt for continuing to hide. I guess in a certain way, I am coming out and letting my voice be heard by opening up my blog to everyone again, and showing all who choose to come, a person who wants to be heard, but who still is not ready to do so without a pseudonym.

Why is that? Why do I want to be seen and heard and be willing to share my story, and yet continue to live in the shadows. Why am I such a coward? Why don't I have the inner strength and confidence in myself and who I am, like so many other bloggers? Why do I allow my fears and doubts to control my actions?

Well, maybe it's because...

1. I'm protecting my family and kids? Protecting them from what? the truth?

2. I'm not willing to admit this is really who I am? Yeah, I say I am, but I'm really not.

3. I'm really still a product of my culture and deep down I'm just as homophobic as the next guy?

I pretend to believe that I'm "progressing". Maybe in some ways it's true. Priorities and focusing attention on my marriage have been "progressive" on the relationship front. But, in other ways, I am not progressing much at all. I'm still the scared little boy hiding in the corner pretending that no one knows my true story.

So much for giving "voice" to who I am...

Happy "unveiling" to those of you who are an inspiration to me. You blaze the trail and give strength and encouragement to those of us who follow you from behind in the shadows. Though we aren't "out there" just yet ( and I wonder if I ever will be), we're still here just the same. I know that doesn't mean much, but it's where I am right now.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

For what it's worth... I'm back!

For what it's worth... I'm back!

I didn't really go anywhere, just went "private" for a while. I'm still here. I'm the same Beck that I've always been. For my own personal reasons I went under the radar. I guess now those reasons have changed and so I've decided to be more "out" in the bloggosphere again. Whether that is good or bad remains to be seen.

I am not sure why I feel inclined to do this again. I am not sure that I have anything tremendous or stupendous to say - I've been saying who I am for nearly four years now, and I wonder what more can or should be said. But I am one voice, and my voice matters, as does yours, as we work together to describe what it means to be part of this community.

The frequency of my posts has decreased, and the urgency to write has diminished dramatically causing me to ponder why I have this blog if I don't have the tendency or propensity to write. I feel no unique place or position to demand your attention, to shout to the universe that I exist or that my chosen path is valid and should be followed. I just am who I am, trying to do the best I can with what I am.

Some may ask - so who is this "Beck" guy? I guess I am leaving my blog open for you to decide for yourself.... but, quickly...

- I'm just another gay guy who came out to himself much later in life and so my story may seem strange and non-authentic to some, and I recognize that I continue to have some serious catching up to do in figuring out what that means to me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" to this community of what it means to be attracted to men after all these years, and how that attraction has not evolved into a mere nuisance, but instead is still very much a vital part of who I am as I move into my second half-century of life.

- I'm just another gay guy who is married to a most wonderful woman who loves me dearly and has helped me recently become healthier and happier with who I am as I've opened up to her about core elements of who I am. She is the focus of my life and I want it to be that way! Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what lessons I'm learning as I hold together a twenty-something year mixed-oriented marriage of hope.

- I'm just another gay guy who has children who are entering exciting life-altering changes in their lives as they journey into adulthood. They bring me focus and anchor me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what it means to be a father - though I still need to figure that one out - it's a work-in-progress sort of thing.

- I am a firm believer of the Gospel and the Plan. I am a card-carrying member of the Church, though I view certain aspects of the Church with more caution and take fewer things for granted, trying hard to keep cynicism in check with faith. This, too, keeps me focused. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" from a believer's perspective.

Is there value in this "voice"? Is there room for me to come back in what has become a very crowded community? Do I really need to do this? Do I really need to be heard? Maybe... maybe not. I'm still not sure... but I do know that this blogging process, and the dear friends and brotherhood and sisterhood of this community has helped to bring me to where I am today - still standing, still breathing, still begging for advice along with a solid slap on the head... still staying focused... still desiring that bromancible hug...

still trying to do the best I can.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Is there a reason to still be here?

It's been a month since I last wrote anything here. It's probably time for an update.

Things are going well. Maybe that's why I don't feel like writing as much as I used to - nothing like a good angst to motivate the keyboard into action, and nothing like contentment to keep it silent. It's like in the Book of Mormon where the war chapters of Alma go on and on and on, but the good times, the best of times of 200 years of 4 Nephi are summarized in two pages...

So what do you want me to say? What do you want to know? What can I still offer this blog and the few readers remaining? Why should this blog continue to exist? Why am I still here?

I feel myself slipping away from the MOHO community. I view it not as a "retreating" but as a "moving on". No judgment call there, just a change of seasons maybe.

It all comes down to my relationship with my wife - we are still doing well. We are continuing to focus on each other and be mindful of each other. She is sensitive to me and I am trying to be aware of her.

We skipped town this last weekend and had a good time being together and enjoying the sun and fun away from the gloomy grey of Utah winters. Getting away, escaping into nature, and doing things together remains central to our reconnection.

Sure, I'm still more than aware of the head-turning eye-candy, the guys that continue to catch my eye and make my heart beat a bit faster, but I'm okay with it and don't feel angsty about it. It just is. She knows, but I'm striving to make her my focus.

Our family, our kids are entering new and exciting phases of their lives as they enter adulthood, and that gives us a new focus as well. Once they are gone, what will we have left? The empty-nester syndrome is looming and we're working on finding connections between the two of us so that when we are left just the two of us at home, we'll be anxious for the new adventure instead of angsty for what remains before us.

You may say I'm in denial. You may say that the path I'm on is setting us up for an even larger disappointment, or an inevitable destruction - and that my be true. I'm still the same gayboy that I've always been. She knows that. I know that. But, as we try to focus our energies on each other, the volcano within is currently calm.

So, I'm back to the beginning... What value does this blog serve anymore? Is there anything to learn from this experience that has value for others? Should I go public again and let this be - a record of a gay guy in a MOM keeping things together after all? Who wants to read that? Who wants to have hope in a relationship like ours?

So tell me... Is there a reason to still be here? Please give me one!!!
Or am I still trying to believe that this is all more than temporary, convincing myself that I can fool nature and destiny, and somehow beat the odds and make it work into eternity?