I really don't feel very inspired to write and so maybe I shouldn't. I haven't followed up on updating here for no other reason than lack of inspiration to write. It's part of the cycle. I get high and excited and then agitated and angsty, and then there is the lull after the storm. I'm currently in the lull.
But an update is in order, so briefly let me summarize:
1. I had my hard-hitting discussions with my wife regarding the MOHO community, blogging, support groups and chats, and with meeting some of you. I mentioned some of you in particular and others in general, describing the different circumstances we fall into within this community. It was scary for me but somewhat anti-climatic afterward. It wasn't as big a deal as I had thought. So maybe that's good...
2. I was thinking she'd be offended that this was going on for some time and that we share personal information with each other on the Internet. I think that was quite shocking for her to discover that. I guess as important as this blogging has been for me and learning from others in similar situations, and discovering that I'm not "all alone", none of that is important to her. There is no urgency to "know" on her part. She is content with who she is and what she believes and does not see a great need to "understand" this aspect of me other than accepting that it is what it is and that is that and let's move on... Is this good?
3. But the real shocking part was that she has shown no interest in following up with what the MOHO community is, who the various "members" are, and what we talk about. She has shown no interest in meeting other wives or in getting to know you as I know you. All she cares about is that we are supportive to each other in sustaining and honoring our covenants and commitments. If "you" are a positive influence for focusing my attention on her and strengthening me to remain with her, then she's okay. I'm not saying she has embraced the idea, but she hasn't discarded the idea either. So, maybe it's all good?
4. An interesting note: as we tend to have these heart-to-heart, or hard-hitting reality checks, the are often, if not always, followed up by an increase of affection and intimacy. We have been intimate a couple of times this last week, as well as this morning, and finding more time for this, and her being more understanding and accepting of certain hangups of mine regarding our intimacy etc... it's been very good... Now, the cycle will almost always revert back to complacency so don't get any idea that we're going to set an intimacy record for the MOMs out there! But, it is interesting to note the cycle of intimacy that occurs parallel to these discussions.
5. She has started attending my class where I teach (at my suggestion) and has helped me to stay focused on the lesson, on her, and not on "him". This has been good. I don't think it would be good for me to be found alone with "him" right now.
6. But, this has also developed into an attitude of her watching me more closely, of being aware of when I'm on the computer chatting, or whether I had lunch with someone, or what was this or that expense on our credit card report.... I feel like this may turn into a very stifling and negative development from our discussion. I guess it's a matter of restoring trust, but I'm not liking to have to "account" for everyone I talk to, meet, or lunch with... There's more ground work to get through on this aspect of our relationship. I've got to be given free reign to prove that I am trustworthy instead of being trustworthy because I know I'm being watched. Does that make sense to anyone but me?
7. I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday. I am very anxious about this. I felt more inspired to seek professional help a couple of weeks ago in the middle of my angst and gay pon farr, but now I've settled down and feel less angst over my cycle, and more angst over just seeing a professional counselor.
8. As noted, I am seeking more than one therapist, for a variety of approaches, and have two others in mind, with one pending appointment for the following week. I don't know whether to space them out and see one a week or one a month or just try one on at a time instead of all three. But, I do want to see what is out there. Any advice? Has anyone else done this approach where you seek counseling from multiple therapists at the same time?
9. As a side note, I'm feeling very anxious about my work. I am finishing up a couple of projects and then there is NOTHING on the horizon. I have always had future work stacking up, and now there is nothing. I'm not sure what to do about that, but my anxiousness for the future has changed from my marriage, and my gay pon farr, to my work (or lack thereof). I don't know quite what to do about it other than getting the word out to everyone that I'm looking for more projects and am available. Fortunately we are not in debt and so that helps, but I don't really want to start living on our savings either. I know I've been most fortunate and blessed and don't mean to say that I've got it tough - I don't. I know that. It's just a new and growing dynamic in the angst cycle.
10. So, how am I doing? Please give me feedback.
At this rate, if she's not that curious to find my blog, I may "deprivatize" it in the near future, but for now, I'll keep it here for a little longer. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I do appreciate the strength and support I do feel here.
I just need to get more inspired...