Sunday, July 26, 2009

A sense of progress?

I really don't feel very inspired to write and so maybe I shouldn't. I haven't followed up on updating here for no other reason than lack of inspiration to write. It's part of the cycle. I get high and excited and then agitated and angsty, and then there is the lull after the storm. I'm currently in the lull.

But an update is in order, so briefly let me summarize:

1. I had my hard-hitting discussions with my wife regarding the MOHO community, blogging, support groups and chats, and with meeting some of you. I mentioned some of you in particular and others in general, describing the different circumstances we fall into within this community. It was scary for me but somewhat anti-climatic afterward. It wasn't as big a deal as I had thought. So maybe that's good...

2. I was thinking she'd be offended that this was going on for some time and that we share personal information with each other on the Internet. I think that was quite shocking for her to discover that. I guess as important as this blogging has been for me and learning from others in similar situations, and discovering that I'm not "all alone", none of that is important to her. There is no urgency to "know" on her part. She is content with who she is and what she believes and does not see a great need to "understand" this aspect of me other than accepting that it is what it is and that is that and let's move on... Is this good?

3. But the real shocking part was that she has shown no interest in following up with what the MOHO community is, who the various "members" are, and what we talk about. She has shown no interest in meeting other wives or in getting to know you as I know you. All she cares about is that we are supportive to each other in sustaining and honoring our covenants and commitments. If "you" are a positive influence for focusing my attention on her and strengthening me to remain with her, then she's okay. I'm not saying she has embraced the idea, but she hasn't discarded the idea either. So, maybe it's all good?

4. An interesting note: as we tend to have these heart-to-heart, or hard-hitting reality checks, the are often, if not always, followed up by an increase of affection and intimacy. We have been intimate a couple of times this last week, as well as this morning, and finding more time for this, and her being more understanding and accepting of certain hangups of mine regarding our intimacy etc... it's been very good... Now, the cycle will almost always revert back to complacency so don't get any idea that we're going to set an intimacy record for the MOMs out there! But, it is interesting to note the cycle of intimacy that occurs parallel to these discussions.

5. She has started attending my class where I teach (at my suggestion) and has helped me to stay focused on the lesson, on her, and not on "him". This has been good. I don't think it would be good for me to be found alone with "him" right now.

6. But, this has also developed into an attitude of her watching me more closely, of being aware of when I'm on the computer chatting, or whether I had lunch with someone, or what was this or that expense on our credit card report.... I feel like this may turn into a very stifling and negative development from our discussion. I guess it's a matter of restoring trust, but I'm not liking to have to "account" for everyone I talk to, meet, or lunch with... There's more ground work to get through on this aspect of our relationship. I've got to be given free reign to prove that I am trustworthy instead of being trustworthy because I know I'm being watched. Does that make sense to anyone but me?

7. I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday. I am very anxious about this. I felt more inspired to seek professional help a couple of weeks ago in the middle of my angst and gay pon farr, but now I've settled down and feel less angst over my cycle, and more angst over just seeing a professional counselor.

8. As noted, I am seeking more than one therapist, for a variety of approaches, and have two others in mind, with one pending appointment for the following week. I don't know whether to space them out and see one a week or one a month or just try one on at a time instead of all three. But, I do want to see what is out there. Any advice? Has anyone else done this approach where you seek counseling from multiple therapists at the same time?

9. As a side note, I'm feeling very anxious about my work. I am finishing up a couple of projects and then there is NOTHING on the horizon. I have always had future work stacking up, and now there is nothing. I'm not sure what to do about that, but my anxiousness for the future has changed from my marriage, and my gay pon farr, to my work (or lack thereof). I don't know quite what to do about it other than getting the word out to everyone that I'm looking for more projects and am available. Fortunately we are not in debt and so that helps, but I don't really want to start living on our savings either. I know I've been most fortunate and blessed and don't mean to say that I've got it tough - I don't. I know that. It's just a new and growing dynamic in the angst cycle.

10. So, how am I doing? Please give me feedback.

At this rate, if she's not that curious to find my blog, I may "deprivatize" it in the near future, but for now, I'll keep it here for a little longer. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I do appreciate the strength and support I do feel here.

I just need to get more inspired...

Friday, July 17, 2009

A step forward?

I feel confident that the only way I'm going to go forward is to take steps in a forward-looking direction. Indeed, I've taken many a step in the last few years, and good things have happened (particularly healing about my own perception of myself), but inevitably, I tend to step in circles and never go anywhere.

I've concluded that my keeping my wife in the dark about certain things, including this blog, is really a main source of keeping us both from progressing. I've finally realized that if I am going to expect more understanding and growth on her part in accepting this aspect of who I am and the attractions and needs that go with it, then I'm going to have to be part of the "bringing her along" process.

I don't expect huge gains or even open acceptance of any of this. Knowing her as I do, I think she'd be happy if the whole thing would just go away and we could go back to it never having raised its head. But, it isn't going away and we BOTH know that, so ignoring it or keeping her in the dark while I try to embrace the light, isn't going to work.

So, I want to at least begin the process of opening our closet door that she and I have been dwelling in - just a bit... just a crack... to let some light shine on her as well as me, as we peak out and see a view beyond the box we are in inside this closet. NOTE: I'm not talking about coming out to my extended family, my ward family, my associates and friends. That will be another journey for another time. Instead, I'm talking about just communicating more, being more open and honest about what I'm thinking and feeling and what she is thinking and feeling, and being more honest about YOU, the readers of this drama-sick blog of mine, and having her see YOU as a good thing, a supportive thing, a non-threatening thing... and in the process maybe win back some of the lost trust she feels because of my "longings".

So, here's my plan:

1. I'm taking her on a picnic tonight up "our mountain" to watch the sunset.

2. I'm going to be more honest with her and tell her about what a MOHO is and what this ad hoc community of bloggers is all about.

3. I'm going to tell her that I've needed this support and outreach to help me to sort through all these feelings and baggage that I've been carrying for so many years.

4. I'm going to tell her that I've communicated with and met some great people in this community and she may, or may not, want to reach out for support, as she feels appropriate and ready to do so. She may not, and I'm okay with that. She may, in which case, I plan to facilitate what form or source of support she would like to receive. I'm aware that each person is different (this is my unique path for myself for my own reasons) and so I'm not sure where this will lead, if anywhere.

5. I will tell her I've blogged, but for now I'm not ready YET to share it with her, as it is a personal journey into the alter-ego. And as I respect her journal, I would ask that she respect mine. I'm not sure how this is going to go over exactly.

6. I'm seeking counseling. I have decided to go to at least two (2) therapists - with different approaches - in hopes of "trying on and seeing what fits". I have one appointment at the end of the month and hope first of the week to have the second appointment scheduled as well. I am going to be open and honest with my wife about the counseling process and let her know of what is said and done - not hiding it from her.

7. If it becomes appropriate, I will invite her to join in counseling. She has already agreed that she would be willing to do this.

8. I'm going to try to do things that will not threaten her or destroy the trust between us. This is a hard one. I'm not totally there yet on how to do this. Maybe with counseling, I can come to terms with a plan whereby I can instigate measures to accomplish this, without destroying who I am as a person and my needs to be who I am fully and wholly and completely.

9. I have a vision in this "path forward" of how I can live as a gay man (it's easier to say it that way than any other way) and be free to explore friendships, brotherhood, embraces, and relationships that are positive and uplifting and need-fulfilling and supportive, and do so in ways that are not threatening her or destroying the trust between us.

10. I'm going to finish my list of "what I really want". I've written most if it down, but I want to go over it again and have it in writing before me in a clear guide map for this journey.

If I can get to this point of honesty and trust and vision, then I feel I've achieved my goal of actually making progress, moving forward this time (I know, I know, many of you are saying... "It's about time, Beck!" *sigh* ), not in circles.

I'm open to thoughts and suggestions about my plan. Any comments? Feedback?
I'm also curious, now that this is private for the time-being, if anyone is really out there, or am I talking to myself like usual?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

An update...

Dear faithful reader:

Things are still tense...

Lots of reflection...

Lots of discussions...

Steps are being taken to become more honest with her and bring her up to speed and let her know where my head has gone since blogging.

In that spirit, I feel the need to have "Beck" disappear for a while. I don't feel the need to delete him, but just make him disappear - go private.

I know this seems counter-productive and hypocritical in trying to be more honest, by doing the very thing I shouldn't do, by hiding my alter-ego, but I feel there are steps that can be taken that don't need to necessarily be hurtful or destructive. Beck has become a part of me that emphasizes the bad, the struggles, the drama (oh the drama!) and the emotions associated with this ONE aspect of who I am as a person. Beck has been able to help me learn and grown and discover things about myself that I did not know existed previous to his existence. He has taught me to be more honest and open and authentic about myself and to embrace all that is good regarding my homosexuality, and to learn to love myself, ALL of myself, in the process. But, in that process, he as shown the ugly, the warts, the bruises, the passions, and the pains - the hate and hurt and countless longings, oh the longings, for things to be different...
He has not become a generic, politically correct, and sanitized view of who I am. He has been real. He is real. He is me.
If this blog were to turn into something less real than who I am inside, then I wouldn't want it to exist any longer. Beck would cease to fulfill his purpose of giving voice to this discovery and acceptance of the person that I truly am...
So, of the few of you who are Beck followers (be ye friends, foes, anonymous lurkers, or loved ones...) if you would like to still follow this saga, Scott / Dichotomy over at has graciously agreed to facilitate any requests of invitation - seeing that I don't publish my email.

Whether this detour is a day, a week, a month or forever, remains to be seen...

So until then, wish me luck in the steps I'm finally taking, and thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They are truly and sincerely appreciated.



Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The beginning of the end?

I was going to stay away longer, but certain events have put me over the top and I need to get it out... As I remind myself, this blog is for my own personal use to write things down and get them out there so that I can move on, and hopefully make progress...

Well, as it turns out, I'm not progressing nearly as much as I thought.

My marriage is on the rocks...

It's been in the works for a long time.

Things have started to unravel, though, after events on Sunday.

I've been feeling very anxious and angsty lately and really wanting to do stupid things and explode from inside... I keep thinking of myself as a volcano. I'm not the Krakatoa that has been slowly building, but letting loose and growing slowly and surely into an amazing island. I'm not Mt. Etna in Sicily that slowly and surely releases its steam in a steady and constant fashion. No, I feel like I'm Mt. St. Helens... completely dormant and quiet and then BOOM - blow my top and destroy everything and anything in my way!

So what happened?

It's simple enough... a proverbial straw on a camel's back. I guess I was so into my gay pon farr that I just couldn't resist. Will was in my Sunday School class. It was all I could do to resist gazing at him while I taught the lesson. At the end of the lesson, he lingered behind and I fell into an embrace... not just any embrace, but a full body romantic melting of two bodies. And whether he knew it or not, he reciprocated, right there in the open. We held each other for quite a while... a long while. If he would have let me, I would have...

And did I mention that my wife saw us together? I didn't even notice her there. I guess that hurt her the most. I was so oblivious to her that I would do such a thing, not just doing it, but doing it in front of her with careless abandon.

That was it. That did it...

Since then, we've had a few serious conversations.

And lots of tears...

Lots of pain... It's as if everything from the past is brought up again. The rot of the past never stops stinking...

I didn't realize she was there. I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't do it on purpose or out of spite. I was just caught up in the moment. A moment that has been building inside me for a long time. (BTW, we did it in front of his wife as well...)

My marital relationship has been quite chilly since then. And rightfully so. I have hurt her deeply. She has trusted me for decades with this, and I don't seem to be progressing.

I'm not going to argue the fine line of what is "infidelity" and what is not. Is giving a hug being unfaithful? Is longing for a bromance being unfaithful? The bottom line is, I've been unfaithful and dishonest in this thing long enough. I have hurt her long enough. I know I have to decide whether I want her and my kids or if I want "them".


Some good things have resulted:

1. We are talking about hard subjects again.

2. We are concluding that not enough progress has been made in the last five years since "coming out" to myself, and that I need to decide how I'm going to go forward from here to either progress toward her or get out.

3. We have used this incident to realize that I need more assistance than I am getting, and that this has opened up the opportunity to lead into a real purpose for counseling - professional therapy - a place where I was heading even before this weekend as evidenced by the previous posts. And she is in agreement with my doing that.

In the end, she gave me a non-negotiable ultimatum:

"I don't want you to "change", but I must have you faithful. If you can't be faithful, including abandoning your emotional longings for your "boys", then this marriage is over."

From this I was happy to hear that she doesn't want or even desire me to "change" or be "cured" as she's come to realize that I am who I am, and that she loves me for who I am...

But, she can't live with my infidelity - even if it is on the level of emotional, bromancing longings for guys.

Now if that isn't fodder for a professional intervention, then I don't know what is...

She wants to know where I stand... Until I demonstrate that I'm prepared to live with her ultimatum, the temperature is getting colder around here in the middle of July!

I have an appointment set up with a therapist at the end of this month. I wish it were sooner, but that was the soonest I could get in. I may pursue two therapists, to "try them on and see how they fit" so that I make sure this time it will work and be a good fit. This has been a very hard step to make, but now I have no choice - and I want to do it.

Any thoughts? Is there a way to navigate through this storm?

The noose around my neck is of my own making... I will probably disappear for a while...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Shopping around...


I am shopping around, seeking a recommendation for a professional therapist.


1. must be gay-friendly, even gay himself - understanding what it means to be a "gay man", particularly in my situation.

2. must be LDS-friendly, accepting of my values and core beliefs, but preferably not LDS, or at least not feeding me the ecclesiastical counsel. I am not seeking the church-sponsored party line approach.

3. must be MOM-friendly, accepting of my marriage and seeking to support me in that marriage and my family commitments.

4. must be open to new ideas and approachs - not interested in the "standard answers".

5. must be adverse to reparative therapy - I have nothing to be "cured" of.

6. must office / practice along the Wasatch Front.

Referrals may have been given to me in the past, but I wasn't prepared to accept or listen. I'm now ready. This post makes public that I am seeking help.

If you think you know someone who meets this criteria, please let me know...


Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Take a break...

I've been blogging too much. No offense, but I've been connecting with this community too much. I've been addicted to the "search" of eye-candy too much. I've been offensive, irresponsible, and immature too much. I've been feeding my spiking desires with thoughts of doing crazy things too much. I did a crazy thing today... As liberating and freedom-feeding as it was, I'm now back to where I was.
And I don't like where I am...

I'm tired. I'm consumed. I'm spent - emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

Maybe I needed to get to this point to realize I really am sick and need to seek professional help...

As part of this cycle, I need to take a break...

Monday, July 06, 2009

Voices, nudity, and feeling weak and stupid...

I feel very weak and vulnerable. I am angsty and anxious as I've been in a long time...

My wife came back, we cuddled, and had a normal weekend and yet, I'm still as angsty as can be.

I went to church, did my lesson (felt like I was going through the motions - even with beautiful, gorgeous Will in attendance with his golden curly hair and piercing blue eyes - I couldn't concentrate or even look at that end of the room - it was all I could do to keep teaching without jumping him right then and there! ARGGHHH!!! Why did he have to attend my class now in the middle of this gay pon farr????), endured an uninspiring Fast and Testimony Meeting (I know, I know... I'm there for worship and not to be entertained). The point is, my anxiousness has not subsided from any spiritual feast from the Sabbath.

I have this nagging feeling that "endurance isn't worth it". It's like... why am I hanging on? Why do I long for what I desire but not truly want? I hear voices that whisper to me that it's not worth it. One side of me knows the source from where those voices come. But another side feels it just isn't worth it, that so much of life's experiences and lessons and what I'm here to learn from this passion, is being missed, buried like a hidden treasure never to see the light of day, or better yet, buried like the one receiving the "one talent", not magnifying and helping to grow that which with he was given to "increase".

I hear voices that tell me that I should explore my options - that I am the owner of my sexuality - and figure out ways to "grow" my talents. I hear voices that keep me back and tell me those notions are not right, that my wife owns my sexuality, and only she can release me of them.

Meanwhile, since I can't do what I desire to do, I have this unquenchable notion to go do something stupid - like skinny-dip in the Great Salt Lake, or sunbathe nude (is it wrong to sunbathe in the buff if no one sees you?), or hike on my mountain nude (if you're alone and free and communing with nature and mosquitoes, is that okay?), or all of the above. Is it the alignment of the planets that makes me have these notions? In a previous post, I was comforted to know that I was not alone in such thoughts - and I kidded that maybe we need to have a 1st annual MOHO"nature hike" or "nature swim". Maybe this is pretty lame and juvenile and adolescent and stupid... but, that is how I'm feeling, very lame, very juvenile, very adolescently stunted, very stupid!!!

Any takers?

I don't know... I just feel a strong need to do something crazy! To feel alive and free and passionate somehow! Is that too much to ask? Otherwise, I'm feeling so boxed in that I could scream and do damage to something, especially hurting those I love the most. I can't live on such an emotional flatline... I want to feel a thrill to let me know that this gay boy is still alive!

Any suggestions?

What do you do when you feel crazy?

If I can't go have a gay relationship with another man, as my "real" self won't let me, then what can I do instead to ease this anxiousness and craziness?

I need constructive suggestions!
I've been researching the Greek Isles. Lots of natural sunbathing going on. Maybe I should go to Greece.
P.S. I don't mean offense on images I posted - and hope none is taken - just feeling pretty angsty right now - and the Beckness is getting to me...

Saturday, July 04, 2009

A gay pon farr holiday...

In the spirit of my current seemingly never ending and not so quiet gay pon farr...

and on the occasion of the holiday...

risking ever being considered something to be taken seriously, (in all seriousness, my life I'm leading is such a joke!!!) extending evidence that my adolescent stunting of living in the closet continues in earnest...

and with no disrespect intended whatsoever for the flag and its symbolism...

Happy 4th of July!

And in the spirit of Playa's adequate description of guys like me...

"those poor, unfortunate souls"...

I think I'm going to go hike my mountain now in the buff and shout to the universe again (5th anniversary of coming out to myself) that I understand that in this life I am irreversibly gay...

so what do You want me to do?...

In the past five years I don't see much progress. I'm still stuck. I'm still a fence-sitter. I'm still extremely dishonest with my family, with everyone around me, and with myself.
I'm not willing to take any risk, any step toward resolution of the conflict raging inside me. Again, there is nothing authentic about me. I'm still desiring one thing and doing another.

I think the only thing I'm good at is staying put, living in drama, and bemoaning my situation. This may be looked upon as "endurance", but I'm not sure how well I'm enduring...



Thursday, July 02, 2009

I hate these moods...

As I've testified before, I don't do well when my wife isn't around. I don't know if it's that I'm on my best behavior when she's around, and that I just have more inner strength to keep the straight-and-narrow with her at my side.

Whatever - when I am alone on business trips, or on a week like this week when she is gone to YW camp, I get all angsty inside. I want to burst open and explore my gay side. I become more anxious and pre-occupied with the physical, and with the flesh and I crave male affection. At the time, it may be refreshing, revealing, and enlivening, but still, in the end, I feel empty, guilty, lonely.

Tuesday night was my anniversary night, and I was alone and couldn't sleep. Instead of finding my journal and reflecting on my marriage, I went down to the computer and clicked on YouTube and watched "Shelter" and "Mulligans", two gay movies. I had seen Shelter before and really enjoy the coming-to-terms-with-being-gay reality story that if offers in a beautiful way. I had not seen Mulligans before. I probably shouldn't have watched it. It isn't great cinema (Shelter is much better as a piece of cinematography), but it isn't bad either, and is tastefully done. But the message for gay married men in the closet coming to terms with being gay, is one that hits very close to home. The pain caused by the married middle-aged father fooling around with his son's best friend and discovering an expression of his hidden gayness and an outsource for these closeted emotions, seems all too real and within the realm of possibilities for me. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone caring to see it. And it makes me pause - what in the world am I doing?

NOTE: I moderately recommend it to married MOHOs - though the non-married crowd might think it's impossible and improbable that a married gay guy could live his life like this and hold out for so long and keep his family and marriage together and then all of a sudden lose it all when the right young guy comes to visit for the summer. Believe me when I say that this is more real than you non-married guys can even imagine. It is possible and probable - and therefore all the scarier. I think I read something from a gay film reviewer that thought the story was a joke and couldn't be taken seriously - "how could a gay guy that hot stay in the closet that long?" - etc.

I was driving around on errands yesterday, with lots of gay angst going on, and desiring so much to be held by JAF (my MOHO "just a friend"). I wanted him to hold me, but I knew in this mood I was in, it wouldn't have been a good thing. I had conjured up a way that we could rendezvous in the canyon where we could just walk, and talk, and be alone and...

Well, I was sane enough to text him instead, and tell him I was in this crazy mood and couldn't see him... and I kept driving and I returned home.

I can't seem to concentrate on work. I'm blogging when I should be working. I'm melancholy and out-of-sorts. I can't focus on anything but what I can't and shouldn't desire.

Anyway, I hate me when I get in these moods... :(

I hate this life...


I hope for a better holiday weekend!