Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!


May those of you who still come here to read of Beck (and this one particularly important and vital aspect of who I am), find peace and serenity in your various paths in this coming year.

That is my prayer for you and me as we continue to figure this out together.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

A brief encounter...

CASE IN POINT: It's a gay thing, I guess...

The other night I arrived at the airport after a long business trip. The airport was seasonally busy with lots of activity in every direction. I was tired and anxious to get on my way, to be with family, to settle back into the warmth of home. Boarding the bus for the long-term parking lot, I got smashed in the middle of mostly businessmen hanging on in very tight standing-room-only personal space, shoulder bags and bodies mashing together.

It was in this scenario that I found myself staring into the face of a most exceptionally beautiful man. He was in his late 20s or early 30s. His eyes were piercing blue, with amazing lips and smile. His blond hair was neatly groomed and his nose beautifully proportioned. His neck and body fit and lean and strong. He smelled sweet and intoxicating and I couldn't help but drink him in. We bumped together and leaned in unison around the bends and up and over the overpass. Our eyes met a couple of times and we smiled with brief small-talk of being pleasantly crushed together.

He wormed his way through the mass of bodies and got off at stop no. 1 and so did I quickly following his path. He headed in the direction of my car and I followed closely behind, admiring his shoulders and buns and manly walk. I wanted to keep drinking him in and found myself enchanted by his mere essence. Before I knew it, I had followed him past my car and into the next lot. I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. When he stopped at his car, I finally realized I had completely forgotten what I was doing, and came to my senses and circled back to my car.


I've pondered this since and wonder if I get so mesmerized and consumed and overwhelmed by such brief encounters with gorgeous men because of my gay celibacy or is it "just a gay thing"?

Is this normal?

Just wondering.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

An early Christmas Gift!

I received an early Christmas present - one of those parental pay days! My oldest graduated from college today! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, but sure enough I felt pretty proud and excited as a proud papa should be.

Sometimes I wonder if I had never married, never experienced fatherhood... that was, indeed, a real possibility. But naively, I married and eventually parenthood followed. This child, in particular, has faced amazing challenges from the very beginning - physical, emotional, spiritual, and social challenges that would have completely stopped me (and most anyone else)but she's a survivor, a fighter, an amazing woman. What a blessing!

There's an emotional wave coming over me as I put all the feelings together of watching this significant achievement in her life. You worry and fret and push and pull and route for your children to grow and succeed and find their own path into adulthood... and you wonder if it will ever happen, and then it finally does. Now the waves of anxiety over the potential of future opportunities of where life will go from here come forward as reality hits that it's over and real life starts.

That's for another day. Right now, I'm just so excited and pleased for this, her personal goal, obtained. It's been a struggle with times when we thought this day would never be realized. But what an example of perseverance, hard work, self resolve and personal sacrifice to make it to the end.

And now a beginning!

yes... proud indeed...

What a great gift!