Saturday, July 04, 2009

A gay pon farr holiday...

In the spirit of my current seemingly never ending and not so quiet gay pon farr...

and on the occasion of the holiday...

risking ever being considered something to be taken seriously, (in all seriousness, my life I'm leading is such a joke!!!) extending evidence that my adolescent stunting of living in the closet continues in earnest...

and with no disrespect intended whatsoever for the flag and its symbolism...

Happy 4th of July!




And in the spirit of Playa's adequate description of guys like me...

"those poor, unfortunate souls"...

I think I'm going to go hike my mountain now in the buff and shout to the universe again (5th anniversary of coming out to myself) that I understand that in this life I am irreversibly gay...

so what do You want me to do?...



In the past five years I don't see much progress. I'm still stuck. I'm still a fence-sitter. I'm still extremely dishonest with my family, with everyone around me, and with myself.
I'm not willing to take any risk, any step toward resolution of the conflict raging inside me. Again, there is nothing authentic about me. I'm still desiring one thing and doing another.



I think the only thing I'm good at is staying put, living in drama, and bemoaning my situation. This may be looked upon as "endurance", but I'm not sure how well I'm enduring...


AARRGGHH!!

:(

8 comments:

santorio said...

must admit that I had to google "gay pon farr" only to find that your post was #3!

then there's serial confessor gov sanford who has been "physical" with other women, but has never "crossed the line."

so what's the line? is my line different than yours?

i've crossed so many self-imposed lines...

Philip said...

AARRGGHH!! Happy Fourth!

My wife is out of town, too.

I use to feel the same way you do but now I just sort of feel dull, kind of like my sexuality is in hibernation.

My non-awake sexuality is the end result of what I do to keep things on an even keel. The things I do: not get too excited about anything, not get too engaged in anything, kind of take things slow and easy.

Too much excitement, too much success or feeling too empowered wakes up my sexuality.

I'm guessing what I just said will sound sort of crazy to a lot of people because I am purposely doing things to keep from thriving.

However, I am guessing that I am not the only one that taps things down; maybe not to the extent I do.

We do these crazy things out of love.

I didn't arrive at this balance in a conscious way. It was more trial and error. I fumbled my way around until I found that tapping down everything was the only real way to stay on an even keel.

I hate that I do this to myself but it's the only way I know of to be there for everyone else and still be emotionally available.

I tried compartmentalizing and that was a huge mistake. You are so focused that it helps you in your everyday life but then you become disconnected emotionally from everyone around you.

I hate that I am such a weakling that the best I can do is to sort of just function at a sub-par level.

Why am I opening up so much?

Because my best friend wants us to get together while my wife is out of town. I told him no but now I will spend the entire week my wife is gone thinking about how he feels about me and how I feel about him.

I am such a chump.

AARRGGHH!!

Regards,
Philip

santorio said...

would that i had a best friend that would call me; i'd take the chance of crossing a line just to have a comfortable relationship with another guy.

Beck said...

SANTORIO: That phrase is taken directly from Abelard, the author and exemplar of what it means. I just borrowed it.

As for crossing lines, you state: "would that I had a best friend that would call me; I'd take the chance of crossing a line just to have a comfortable relationship with another guy".

Me, too, my friend. Me, too. I'm constantly seeking for that "comfortable relationship with another guy".

I guess there would not be angst if there were no lines to cross, but there are lines, and confines of behavior, and desires, and self-restraint that conflict and increase the angst of what one should or should not desire.

Yet, the desire remains...

Beck said...

PHILIP: I'm tired of living in a non-awake sexual state of being. Or "not getting too excited about anything"? What kind of way is that to live?

Or "not too engaged in anything"? Sure, things are slow and easy, but where is the passion and compassion, where are the connections, the arousal, the knowing that one is alive? Can you really live this way? Are we supposed to live this way?

I'm sorry, but I can't. I refuse to. And I accept that my being too passionate may be risky behavior and may trigger these mood swings and angst spikes, but at least I'm feeling and experiencing, even if in a longing or desiring mode of operation.

I know we are weak. I know we are tempted. I know that keeping things neutral and slow and easy won't rock the proverbial boat...

but, geez man - don't we need to be alive as well?

I am with you on your wife being out of town and a friend calling to hang out with you and you decline for reasons of keeping the passions from boiling to the surface. I've been there, and continue to reside there. And it is safe...

but I'm so tired of having these spikes and not acting upon them, crossing the lines, exploring options - if only in appropriate ways.

I can't just sit here and keep denying these chances to live, can I? Sooner or later life will have totally passed by, and what did I learn from self-denial?

Compartmentalizing doesn't work. That's why I'm going crazy. Wholeness works, but I can't get "whole" from where I am, can I?

These aren't easy questions to answer.

Philip said...

Santorio,

You're right. I am so much better off having a close friend.

Beck,

I dont like being this way but I didn't like being the other way either.

It was constant, no let up and all I was doing was hanging in there.

No, that's not totally true. There was usually a day or two in the cyclic pattern when things were somewhat normal.

I don't like where I am now but before it was high highs and low lows and now the lows are not so low but then the highs are not so high.

It's like before I was off my meds and now I am back on them except this is my sexuality we are talking about and not some bi-polar condition.

I want to be proud and comfortable with my sexuality but I also want to be monogamous (never want to put her through that pain again) and this is the best I have been able to come up with.

I know it sucks but it's a lot more sane than before.

To me, gay pon farr is when things break down and the normal comes out; the rest of the time I am keeping the normal from coming out.

Like I said, we do crazy things for love.

Regards,
Philip

Ned said...

I don't think our journey here was meant to be lonely any more than I think that we are doomed to failure. Not that we won't know some lonliness and some failure along the way, and yes, sometimes it takes extraordinary patience, and that some never do find that great love that they seek.

But some of do, even if only in the lyrics of a love song. May we all be blessed with moments that give us hope such as these:

Dear when you smiled at me, I heard a melody
It haunted me from the start
Something inside of me started a symphony
Zing! Went the strings of my heart

'Twas like a breath of spring, I heard a robin sing
About a nest set apart
All nature seemed to be in perfect harmony
Zing! Went the strings of my heart

Your eyes made skies seem blue again
What else could I do again
But keep repeating through and through
"I love you, love you"

I still recall the thrill, guess I always will
I hope 'twill never depart
Dear, with your lips to mine, a rhapsody divine
Zing! Went the strings of my heart

Beck said...

PHILIP: I intellectually understand your words, I really do, as I've lived my life in a similar manner. I just have a hard time emotionally, and spiritually to accept that this is the best it can get.

It's like I'm settling for something instead of embracing something. Somehow that doesn't seem right, even if intellectually there are good reasons why we do what we do.

Yes, we break down and the "normal comes through". So, isn't there a way to be "normal" and still sane, stabilized, and loving to our loved ones and faithful to the promises we've made them? Isn't there a way to be "normal" and feel "alive" without destroying our foundations and lives?

Big hugs, my friend.

NED: I recognize this life is full of "loneliness" and "failure", that all is not passion and success. But, as I'm stating with Philip, I can't take such a fatalistic viewpoint - there's got to be something more, and I can't help but feel that God wants me to plant my "talents" and help them to be nurtured and to grow and to multiply - not just sitting around in a half-lived life, enduring well in hopes that something better will happen in the future.

I don't think that that is a loving Father's plan for me. There's got to be more than just "endure well".

AARRGGHHH!