This has probably been the longest or nearly the longest since not blogging. I certainly have a lot of emotion going on and no lack of topics to write about, but I am really struggling to get it out of me and onto the page.
I told my therapist that I wasn't blogging anymore. He was intrigued with that new development and saw it as possibly that as I'm trying to internalize things more, I don't need "Beck" as much as in the past. However, he strongly encouraged me to continue writing and to blog and sees this as a good thing.
Speaking of my therapist, (and I really like him and enjoy talking and sharing my life and experiences and circumstances with him - and I'm super comfortable in doing so - though I'm still very skeptical that it will ever amount to anything) in my follow-up visit this week, he has given me three assignments:
1. I am to keep a "guilt log". Every time I feel guilt, I am supposed to write down the circumstance and how I feel and why I feel guilty. He is fascinated, it seems, in breaking down my guilt and trying to get me to realize that guilt is part of the "facade" that I've created around me and I need to break down those facades. I'm not sure of the "how" I'm to do that just yet, but I am being the "good student" and am faithfully keeping my guilt log.
2. I am to keep a "hiding log". Every time I hide something from my wife or others, particularly in being ashamed of being gay, or in doing a gay-type thing and not wanting her or others to know about it, then I am supposed to write it down. I'm not sure how he is supposed to use this information, as my entire life is an exercise of "hiding".
3. Take some of his suggestions for embracing my passions and wholeness and authenticity and try to outline steps of how to do this. I thought HE was supposed to tell me how to do this, not me. I mean, where is this magic pill that gets me to where I want to go?
He likes that I have already outlined my wants and desires and goals. He also is very impressed with my ability to deal with my homosexuality and my mixed-oriented marriage as well as I have and finds my life quite unique and commendable. I don't know if he's patting me on the back or what, because I don't feel unique and commendable in the least.
So, what do you think? Should I keep going to therapy? Is there a reason for this? Why can't I do this on my own? Why do I need him to listen to me? Don't you all listen to me? Isn't that good enough?
A lot has developed with my marriage as well... some good, some bad, some very ugly... I may decide to blog about these things, but not just yet... A week ago Friday was ugly - really ugly, leading to a discussion of divorce or separation. We reconciled later in the evening, but things are tense. More on that later...