Monday, December 29, 2008

What's the purpose for feeling this way?

My Christmas holiday was great - full of family and warmth and peace. I hope yours was the same as well.

Yesterday was a thrilling day at church. Yes, both Will and Tim were there with their brides. My heart jumped out of my chest. Yes, I still have "feelings" for both of them that go beyond normal boundaries of Puritan propriety. But, it was thrilling to see them bee-line it toward me as we fell into each others arms. They are both so beautiful and radiant, not only on the exterior, but on the inside as well. We showered each other with affectionate hugs and kisses and I felt them willingly reciprocating right in front of their wives. I love their women as well - both are gems - and as far as these eyes can see, they have learned to accept and love the fact that their men love me in ways that transcend normal propriety.

But the exciting thing was... nothing has changed. Yes, life goes on and they grow into their marriages and away from me, but these connections are still there and they remain strong. Funny that both of them independently stated that our connections are more than spiritual brothers - we are "blood brothers".

I still ponder the purpose and meaning of these connections. There is something divine in them. If you think otherwise then you are missing my point. Our world needs to be filled with such blood brotherhood.

Why are we allowed to feel this way about others (to the point of connection that transcends family ties) if there is not a greater purpose? And what is that purpose?

Yesterday, I taught a lesson in Sunday School about the Second Coming and the Millennium and the possibilities that mothers will have of raising their children lost at childbirth and seeing them grow into adulthood. This conversation expanded into questions of other accommodations of injustices that will be given to those Celestial and Terrestrial individuals who are participating in the Millennial experience - of families being made and sealed together where none existed in this life, of childless couples desiring nothing more than to have children, of singles who never married but desired to be connected with another, all being able to fulfill their righteous desires...

And it made me wonder... if Heavenly Father really does love us and knows us and wants nothing more than for us to have His joy and experience that joy, then knowing we androphiles have been created to love other men and have these deep and abiding feelings for other men, is it too presumptuous to believe that some equal accommodation or opportunity of fulfilling that joy may be realized in the Millennium? Is this too presumptuous a thought?

I mean, to say that we have been created with these deep and powerful connections for other men, and then "poof" they are magically gone (thank you very much Elder Oaks) in the next life rings hollow and wrong to me. I know this has been beaten around before and there is nothing new here to offer, but I can't help but believe that when "all is revealed" as is promised in the Millennium and that great equalizing experience of the injustices of this life are realized through our righteousness, I can't help but think there is a place, a way, an increased understanding and purpose for these feelings I feel to have meaning beyond this life in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend... that my love for other men, yes, even for Will and Tim and Thomas among others, will serve a divine purpose and not be looked upon as evil and thwarting the great plan - as some can only see looking through Telestial eyes.

Why was I created this way? Why do these feelings never go away? What is the purpose for feeling this way? There's just got to be more to the story than simply enduring and overcoming earthly temptations in this life... and that by doing so, all will be well in the hereafter without them... I refuse to believe it!


A.J. said...

I don't believe it either I think we are blessed to be able to love this way. -A.J.

Kengo Biddles said...

I fear, dear Beck, that you're confusing the depth of feeling you feel for Tim and Will for the sexual feelings that your body provide.

(At least, that's been my understanding of myself in situations that I feel might be similar to what you have with them.)

I don't think the abiding love for them will go away, I don't think that's wrong. I think the sexual factor of it will go, though.

My two bits.

Beck said...

AJ: This is a blessing and I will continue to see it as such.

KENGO: Don't confuse sex with love. I didn't say anything about sex, nor did I imply it, nor did I imply that there was an arousal in yesterday's meeting, as there was instead a jumping heart.

I think we are on the same page - the sexual factor may go away (this I'm still strugging with to understand), but the abiding love can be and should be eternal.

A.J. said...

Love is a beautiful thing I think love endures.

Beck said...

KENGO: The more I think about it, the more I'm struggling... if our sexuality, though just one aspect of who we are and who we always have been, is a part of who we are, how then does it just mysteriously change? If we are who we are and the essence of who we are does not change and we remain forever unique and individual spirits with our own thoughts, feelings and experiences, if we take with us all that we are into the Spirit World, all our thoughts, and feelings and passions and desires, how does that all disappear into oneness? Is that the Celestial process where our desires and appetites and passions are changed to His at the Final Judgment / post Millennium? We talk about Satan being bound for 1,000 years because he is no longer in our hearts - our hearts, our desires, our appetites do not include him and so, our will excludes him from any influence over us and as such he is bound - literally excluded from the Millennial period. Is this part of the sexual factor of homosexual love will go away?

This implies that homosexual love is evil and Satanic. Some have suggested to me that I am delusional, living in a fantasy world for I have no clue of the falsehoods and lies associated with homosexual sex, and how we are deceived to think that it is the same as the real thing. These commentors are correct - I don't have a clue - and as such I'm innocently lost in a fairy tale world of hugs and kisses...

It just doesn't feel evil what I'm feeling, and that may confuse my view of what sex is like with a man as well.

But, if sex isn't involved, I go back to the original question, why then am I feeling so attracted to these men? And what is the eternal purpose for feeling so intensely in this way?

Kengo Biddles said...

Beck, let me express to you how I've come to terms with it:

This "attraction" you feel to Will and Tim is part your feeling the Pure Love of Christ for them, loving them as intensely as God loves you and all the rest of his children.

Part of it is your human biology that's a tad messed up.

(Putting your experiences in my understanding of me.)

Having these intense feelings of love for them should be similarly strong to those you feel for your children.

That being said, I think that part of our biological make-up, being a fallen world has caused our sexual sense to skew. And it's not just us, it's everyone that's involved in fetishes, and any other sexual deviation. I think that so much of it is biological, or that we have the triggers to go a certain direction.

This doesn't mean we have to. But I think that there's a biological component that's going to go away in the resurrection, and that in the mean time, you just have to cultivate the spiritual, platonic love for them and leave the sexual interest to the side. I don't know if that helped or not. Maybe we should discuss this offline?

Public Loneliness said...

Beck, your post has my head spinning. I'm going to give you a quote from one of my all time philosophers and patron saints, the Beatles: "All you need is love"

Whether it is the pure love of Christ, platonic love, romantic love, bromance, lustful love--hey, you and I are both human, what are we going to do? Aside from all doctrinal issues, how we express that love is the trick. Will it sometimes hurt? Probably. Will it always make sense and follow the promptings of the Spirit? As you and I can tell, no. Is it sometimes a total rush? heck yeah! So love my friend, you know your parameters and where your heart is. All else is fluff in my point of view.

Anonymous said...

the scriptures tell us the spirit we possess in this life we will have in the next. now the authorities are going against what the sacred scriptures teach.

Alan said...

Beck you have said what I'm sure so many of us have wondered and hoped for.

I will add only one phrase I once heard from a stand-up comic, but she was being serious and, I thought, more insightful than she knew: "We didn't choose this, we were chosen." I like to think of it that way too.

Beck said...

KENGO: I get what you're saying... there is a biological component to this that complicates things. Not that I always will or that I will always want to, but for now, I'm still keeping in control of that component. I appreciate you always looking out for me.

PL: Your advice to not worry about what kind of love we're talking about is sound... It's just love and it's good, so all else is fluff. I like that.

ANON: I don't think the Brethren are talking about the Spirit World, which is what the scriptures are referring to when they say we are the same when we die. That is because the Spirit World continues as a realm of faith and as such, we are still the same... I'm referring to the afterlife after the Millennium which is what I think they are referring to when things will be "changed".

As I've thought about this, it makes more sense as we seal our hearts to Christ, we do become changed and what we desire is to be like Him and a change does occur. I just believe that the essence of who we are, our individuality and uniquenesses will always remain with us, and some part of this "thing" we are talking about is part of all that and must continue on with us or else we cease to be us.

ALAN said: "We didn't choose this, we were chosen."

I like that. But why were we chosen? And for what purpose?

Sarah said...

ALAN said: "We didn't choose this, we were chosen."

I like that. But why were we chosen? And for what purpose?

I was chosen in a different way, but I feel chosen nonetheless. Why me? Why do I have to be so sensitive to what other people infer about my gay friends? If prop 8 is really God's will, then why has he chosen to tell me otherwise? Why am I supposed to feel this kind of true empathy for all of you? I am grateful for being chosen, but I am also annoyed as hell by it all. It would be SO much easier to either NOT have a testimony that conflicts with everything, or to NOT be so accepting of all of you, remaining in a blissful state of ignorance so that I can "follow the prophet" without any question whatsoever.

Why me?

robert said...

I reject the biological deviance of homosexuality, as it appears elsewhere in nature, and it hardly qualifies as a "fetish" for many. I believe "being" gay most likely has a spiritual purpose...if not an entirely Darwinian one and I cannot be certain of this.

Perhaps one must truly strip themselves of cultural constructs to see themselves as natural in any light.

I guess I am more comfortable with not knowing than being certain in matters over which I remain uninformed through personal experience.