My Christmas holiday was great - full of family and warmth and peace. I hope yours was the same as well.
Yesterday was a thrilling day at church. Yes, both Will and Tim were there with their brides. My heart jumped out of my chest. Yes, I still have "feelings" for both of them that go beyond normal boundaries of Puritan propriety. But, it was thrilling to see them bee-line it toward me as we fell into each others arms. They are both so beautiful and radiant, not only on the exterior, but on the inside as well. We showered each other with affectionate hugs and kisses and I felt them willingly reciprocating right in front of their wives. I love their women as well - both are gems - and as far as these eyes can see, they have learned to accept and love the fact that their men love me in ways that transcend normal propriety.
But the exciting thing was... nothing has changed. Yes, life goes on and they grow into their marriages and away from me, but these connections are still there and they remain strong. Funny that both of them independently stated that our connections are more than spiritual brothers - we are "blood brothers".
I still ponder the purpose and meaning of these connections. There is something divine in them. If you think otherwise then you are missing my point. Our world needs to be filled with such blood brotherhood.
Why are we allowed to feel this way about others (to the point of connection that transcends family ties) if there is not a greater purpose? And what is that purpose?
Yesterday, I taught a lesson in Sunday School about the Second Coming and the Millennium and the possibilities that mothers will have of raising their children lost at childbirth and seeing them grow into adulthood. This conversation expanded into questions of other accommodations of injustices that will be given to those Celestial and Terrestrial individuals who are participating in the Millennial experience - of families being made and sealed together where none existed in this life, of childless couples desiring nothing more than to have children, of singles who never married but desired to be connected with another, all being able to fulfill their righteous desires...
And it made me wonder... if Heavenly Father really does love us and knows us and wants nothing more than for us to have His joy and experience that joy, then knowing we androphiles have been created to love other men and have these deep and abiding feelings for other men, is it too presumptuous to believe that some equal accommodation or opportunity of fulfilling that joy may be realized in the Millennium? Is this too presumptuous a thought?
I mean, to say that we have been created with these deep and powerful connections for other men, and then "poof" they are magically gone (thank you very much Elder Oaks) in the next life rings hollow and wrong to me. I know this has been beaten around before and there is nothing new here to offer, but I can't help but believe that when "all is revealed" as is promised in the Millennium and that great equalizing experience of the injustices of this life are realized through our righteousness, I can't help but think there is a place, a way, an increased understanding and purpose for these feelings I feel to have meaning beyond this life in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend... that my love for other men, yes, even for Will and Tim and Thomas among others, will serve a divine purpose and not be looked upon as evil and thwarting the great plan - as some can only see looking through Telestial eyes.
Why was I created this way? Why do these feelings never go away? What is the purpose for feeling this way? There's just got to be more to the story than simply enduring and overcoming earthly temptations in this life... and that by doing so, all will be well in the hereafter without them... I refuse to believe it!