I really, really wanted Tim and Will to be in church on Sunday... Neither were there. They have moved on. They are married now. They love me, but in a different way. I am still here. I am still longing their embrace.
Tim's younger brother, (who I don't think I've blogged directly about here, who I will call "Benjamin", and who I consider a very dear friend), however was there with his new bride. He saw me approach the ward house door as he ushered in his wife before him. She walked on a bit and around the corner, and he and I smiled. I fell into his arms and pushed him against the wall - all 6'4" of his rock-solid frame. We hugged and I kis
sed him a big passionate kiss on his neck and whispered that it was good to see him. He smiled his cute big smile and I held him a bit longer until his wife came back to collect him from me...
sed him a big passionate kiss on his neck and whispered that it was good to see him. He smiled his cute big smile and I held him a bit longer until his wife came back to collect him from me... Later he and his wife happened to sit directly behind me in Sacrament Meeting. After the meeting, full of holiday cheer, we hugged affectionately and intensely again across the bench. I had overheard them discussing whose family they were going to visit first - his or hers (as both families are in my ward) and I looked at him and said softly to his ear fall only... "We're family..." He didn't understand my meaning at first, but then he got it and reconfirmed back to me in eyes that said "Get me out of here" stuck between his mother and mother-in-law... "yes, we're family, and I love you!"
I felt thrilled. We are still connected. Though when I see him, I see his brother (who I was truly in love with), but I love Benjamin as a brother, and he is accepting of my affection openly like his brother and I am grateful for this blessing in my life.
(NOTE: After church I was hugging and kissing everyone I could see. Some older women froze in their tracks when I hugged them, but I didn't care... and most of the men just took it as crazy ol' Beck being touchy-feely again... but again I didn't care. It's Christmas and I feel love in the air...)
Some may say that these encounters of mine are immoral, sexual, even sensual - and the last place they should be playing themselves out is across the pews of the chapel. I say just the opposite... what an appropriate, honest and open place for such feelings of connection of brotherly love. They are not evil. They are an extension of who I am... I love these men in my life as brothers. They are family. And I've decided to not hide that I love them. At first I was worried about the kiss I gave Benjamin earlier, but he showed no sign of repulse for he took it as it was intended - a deep and affectionate sign of brotherly love. I am determined to be more open and not afraid to express myself...
...a small step in living more passionately.
19 comments:
Oh I love you Beck. What more can I say?
Bravone
Don't stop, Beck. Change happens one heart at a time.
there is a scripture somewhere about in the after life we will embrace our friends and fall on their necks and kiss them. Heck Somebody in the BOM fainted with joy at seeing his friends. ,I really need to read my scriptures more, anyway I don't think hugs are inappropriate at all.
BRAVONE: Ti do un bacio affetuoso!
ALAN: I don't plan on stopping. I can't stop! This is who I am! I'm tired of living a stifled life, conforming to the standards and norms of others. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm convinced that I am happiest with myself when I'm free to express myself and to hell with those who have a problem with it. My heart is changed when I reach out to others - including kissing my x-young men!
AJ: I obviously agree that hugs aren't inappropriate at all... but what about intensely kissing my young men friends?
Don't forget mine. :)
I think this is something you were asking about, so I'll give you my two cents.
Adults are adults, and kissing a young married man in a platonic way (that's how's it interpreted, though the post kiss gushing does make me suspect it) is just fine. However, I know that you used to be these guys young men's leader. For what it's worth, and just to set the record straight for anyone reading this who wonders what is appropriate and what's not--If I were a father and my 14, 15, 17 year old son was kissed on the cheek by his young mens leader, I would punch that leader in the face and remove my children from his care. That's not me opposing homosexuality, because I'd have that son with my husband-- it's just about the expectations parents have with their teenage children.
So Beck, be touchy feely. Have healthy brotherhood friendships with men in your ward. Kiss them on the cheek with their wives there to see. Just be careful of the post kiss gushing and keep the bromances with those over whom you have no stewardship. :)
What you've described here doesn't read as immoral or anything else but you brimming over with love for those around you.
PETER: For the record, these "YM" are returned missionaries in their mid twenties now and married!
And for the record, there was absolutely no kisses leaving my lips on anyone 14, 15, or 17... ever!
And for the record, no kisses are extended to those ADULTS who do not want and are not open to receive them. Though it may not be obvious, I do know the meaning of propriety - though sometimes I stretch the meaning.
And for the record, let me have a little gushing space between consenting adults here sharing holiday cheer. Sure I'm a flirt, and I'm a closeted queer who has never ventured beyond his gay-adolescence.
If there had been a hugging/kissing fool with a hint of flirtation running around my old wards I may have never stopped going in the first place! :)
The whole concept of reverence makes people take it 10 times to the extreme to where we seem to be way too uptight to do these kinds of things, but I'm glad you're breaking all these barriers, one hug and kiss at a time. I need to go to your ward to visit...
Beck,
Your open affection is delightful. I'm glad you have friends and family who are there to receive it from you and give it back to you as well. More of that is needed in our world. Much more.
As I grew aware of other cultures and societies where physical touching and kissing as a means of expressing platonic love were not only done, but expected, I longed for that. It made me wish I were raised in that kind of environment.
So please, Beck, continue being passionate and be glad for what you have! Even those on the periphery (like me), reading your posts, can benefit from your example.
Happy Holidays!
Mark
Good job Beck, be yourself.
I have grown up around friends, straight friends in the church who are affectionate and i can't think of a sunday in recent memory where they don't show there affection to me. There is nothing there but brotherly love, no sin, no judgement.
BROR and PL: I'll meet you at the west foyer after Sacrament Meeting, okay?
OK Beck, Bror and PL, and I will be outside the bishop's office door watching as you get hauled in by your collars about 30 seconds later. (sardonic humor to mask a sad truth)
MARK: It is so funny to watch people react to public displays of affections... some welcome it and cherish it and seek it out as I do, while others shun it completely, freeze up or run from any touch. Both men and women can react in both ways - it is gender neutral.
Cultural upbringings are certainly part of it. Yet, the funny thing is, my family is not particularly affectionate. They aren't the cold frozen type either, but nor are they as open and touchy-feely as I am.
Why that is, I'm still exploring... Part of it has to do with my exposure to and embracing of the Italian culture. But part of it has to do with WHO I AM, and that I am happiest when I am open and inviting to others with hugs and kisses... I don't know that it is particularly a gay thing, as gays aren't exclusively touchy-feely either, but in my case, I think being gay certainly doesn't hurt...
AUSMO: Thanks for commenting. This is the first I've seen of you and I am excited to get to know you. Welcome to my blog and WELCOME TO THIS COMMUNITY! I hope you find joy and comfort and belonging as you become acquainted with the "family" here.
Even with Australia being your home, you are also home here!
Thank you for understanding those brothers, like me, who find it difficult to contain themselves without straight-jackets.
ALAN: I know you're kidding, but you need to realize I don't hide this around the Bishop. He knows of "my ways" and accepts me for who I am, and has never discouraged me - which shows that there is still room for appropriate affection in this American culture and church - and in fact encourages me to be me and lets me be me!
Beck I've been reading your blog for a long time. Never have commented. But I love reading your blog. I've never met you but I love you to death. I think you are inspiring. If only there were more people like you in the world.
hmmm....i can understand that if he wasnt married, but he is. if someone my husband knew/dated before came up to him and started kissing him that wouldnt be ok. it just isnt. even if you say "it wasnt like that". its just crossing the line. period. but hugging is fine.
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