I really, really wanted Tim and Will to be in church on Sunday... Neither were there. They have moved on. They are married now. They love me, but in a different way. I am still here. I am still longing their embrace.
Tim's younger brother, (who I don't think I've blogged directly about here, who I will call "Benjamin", and who I consider a very dear friend), however was there with his new bride. He saw me approach the ward house door as he ushered in his wife before him. She walked on a bit and around the corner, and he and I smiled. I fell into his arms and pushed him against the wall - all 6'4" of his rock-solid frame. We hugged and I kissed him a big passionate kiss on his neck and whispered that it was good to see him. He smiled his cute big smile and I held him a bit longer until his wife came back to collect him from me...
Later he and his wife happened to sit directly behind me in Sacrament Meeting. After the meeting, full of holiday cheer, we hugged affectionately and intensely again across the bench. I had overheard them discussing whose family they were going to visit first - his or hers (as both families are in my ward) and I looked at him and said softly to his ear fall only... "We're family..." He didn't understand my meaning at first, but then he got it and reconfirmed back to me in eyes that said "Get me out of here" stuck between his mother and mother-in-law... "yes, we're family, and I love you!"
I felt thrilled. We are still connected. Though when I see him, I see his brother (who I was truly in love with), but I love Benjamin as a brother, and he is accepting of my affection openly like his brother and I am grateful for this blessing in my life.
(NOTE: After church I was hugging and kissing everyone I could see. Some older women froze in their tracks when I hugged them, but I didn't care... and most of the men just took it as crazy ol' Beck being touchy-feely again... but again I didn't care. It's Christmas and I feel love in the air...)
Some may say that these encounters of mine are immoral, sexual, even sensual - and the last place they should be playing themselves out is across the pews of the chapel. I say just the opposite... what an appropriate, honest and open place for such feelings of connection of brotherly love. They are not evil. They are an extension of who I am... I love these men in my life as brothers. They are family. And I've decided to not hide that I love them. At first I was worried about the kiss I gave Benjamin earlier, but he showed no sign of repulse for he took it as it was intended - a deep and affectionate sign of brotherly love. I am determined to be more open and not afraid to express myself...
...a small step in living more passionately.