Yesterday, I found myself sitting in the lounge area of the South Visitors' Center on Temple Square. This space has meaning for me. I've found it to be a place of meditation where I can go occasionally and find a bit of peace. It was where I've gone for solice after coming to terms with the passing of my father. Typically, you can sit and stare out at the Temple through the large view windows and be left alone without harassment from the Sisters to take one of their tours.
This time, I was meeting another of the MOHOs for the first time. But, my previous appointment ended sooner than I thought and so I came early and had some time to contemplate what I was doing here. I was secretly meeting someone at the base of the Temple. And as I thought, I felt uneasy about the way my life is going, and a need for a new direction and more focused purpose. I pondered over my "what I want" list and realized this current path of my clandestined or stealthy personality is no longer the path I want.
It felt a lot like being in "An Affair to Remember" or "Sleepless in Seattle" where I started observing others that passed through the lobby and I wondered to myself: "Is that him?" or "I wonder if that good looking guy is him". I wondered if he was really going to come or if he was detained. I had forgotten to bring with me his number, but I was sure that he would come, so I waited for his call. And as I waited, and as I contemplated my current path, and as I stared out at the granite temple spires against the cold New Year's Eve sky, I realized that this isn't the life I want.
Maybe it's just the season of feeling a bit melancholy. Maybe it's the economy and the downturn in my business and the associated stresses that come from instability. Maybe it's the New Year and the desire to do better and be better. I want to be more real and less fantasy-based. I want to not be so secretive and hidden, and instead be more honest.
I need to change.
Happy New Year!
P.S. The actual meeting was brief but great! Number 12. He did show and was very nice and we shared a warm embrace. I wish I had had more time or was more willing to give more... (my wife called during our visit - I fibbed a bit about where I was - and felt even worse for doing so, hating myself for putting me and others into my warped make-believe world). But that will be for another time, I'm sure.