Monday, December 15, 2008

Emotions of the weekend...

It was an emotional weekend:

1. Took the family to see the lights of Temple Square and to our favorite downtown restaurant for our traditional "night out on the town". The kids were excited and I was emotional (with all that's been weighing on me and with all the thoughts of where I'm going from here, etc...) and we had a great time and reflected on our past Christmas seasons together...

2. As a family, attended the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert with 21,000 other people. I was touched to tears several times (by the music and setting, but also by the comfort of being together as a family)- maybe it's just me and that I get emotional and passionate about these things, but I was overcome that I was here with my wife and kids and I felt such happiness and peace as I thought of these times together...

3. Shoveled out over 8" of snow with my kids! It was invigorating, beautiful and exciting (yes Abe, snow can be all these things) and emotional. I love the first real major storm of the season...

4. Anxiously awaited the return of our college student eldest daughter who hasn't been home since July. She's struggling and hurting in many ways and I was desperate to have her home again, to hold her and to just know that she was safe and warm in our home. I don't really have anything more to offer her than that. And it was emotional...

5. Celebrated Santa Lucia (the festival of Lights) - an Italian / Catholic holiday that we do with family and friends with a Mormon twist. We had 17 around our table for a special holiday dinner and a celebration of Christ being the Light of the world. Our house was decorated (with our five Christmas "memory" trees) to the hilt with our family memories and with two fireplaces roaring, the warmth of the occasion caused me deep reflection of my blessings, of my love for my family, and brought me peace... real peace that I haven't felt for a long, long time...
6. Reflected on Thomas and his birthday that evening as I felt him close to me. With all of the candles and flickering lights, the reflection of family and friends, I couldn't help but contemplate the good and warmth I felt for him at this time and the love I continue to feel for him, as I find in my heart the possibility of loving my family AND friends and part of my emotion came by pensively placing him in my heart as part of me and this season... Some may feel this is inappropriately placed in this sequence of events. I do not... not in the spirit it is given.


7. Accompanied our son early on the Sabbath to witness and participate in his patriarchal blessing. The miracles that are my son and how he came into our lives is known only to us and the Lord - and in that powerful, prophetic blessing, my heart was touched to know of the tender love He has for me and the amazing potential He has in store for my son.... What a father's pay-day!!! Need I say, it was very spiritual, peace-filled and emotional?


8. Taught a lesson that brought a newly activated sister to a realization that she was feeling the spirit. I was impressed to ask her to offer the closing prayer, to which she did so with some trepidation and fear, but with emotion that overcame fear and brought peace to her and my soul. I learned afterward that that was the first time ever in her 50-something years that she has prayed publicly out loud... and how grateful she was for having done so and to have felt the Spirit present. I felt the spirit as we hugged and bonded with that emotion...

9. Worked on a huge service project for the High Priests, taking their photos and gathering their written testimonies to mount together in a "Father's Legacy" gift to their children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Some were hesitant to write their feelings, but then got into it. As I copy or retype their words, I feel the power of their witnesses and their testimonies, and realize the power of a Father and the legacy he leaves his posterity. It has brought me to my knees in gratitude for the bounty and blessing that is mine to be a father and husband - something I haven't felt for some time...

10. Prayed to continue to feel this peace and emotion, expressing gratitude for the ability to FEEL and to NOT be "beyond feeling". I thank my God for giving me a passionate heart that can feel tenderness, and that can connect with others. At times, I curse this heart for being too emotional and too passionate... but I am grateful that I CAN feel. That, at times is a curse, but mostly it is a blessing.

Emotion can be seen as just tears, or lack of control, or being sissy, weak, superficial, or shallow. The emotions I describe this weekend encapsulated feelings of the Spirit, of Peace, of Tender Mercies, of Miracles and Reminders of all that I am and can be with the Lord at my side... I find strength, and assurance, and comfort and manliness in these emotions... and I haven't felt this way for a long time... It's so easy to forget...

Sorry for being emotional (as I tend to gush in excess), but indulge me a bit - as I search to find my way through these emotions onto the path of "what I want"...

10 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

Santa Lucia is Swedish, ocksÄ, I'll have you know.

I'm glad you had good things, good emotions.

I was just stressed and angry. I would've rather been crying, I think

Beck said...

I know very well that there is a Swedish tradition as well (as my wife is Scandanavian). Santa Lucia, however, is the patron saint of Napoli (Naples) as well, and the festival of lights is celebrated in pockets of Italy. There are many holidays in December, including the 1st, 8th, 13th, 25th, 26th and Jan 6th.

So give me a break here...

I'm sorry you were stressed and angry. What can I do?

Beck Hugs...

Scott said...

It sounds like you've had a beautiful, uplifting weekend, full of the warmth of family, friends and togetherness that should be the hallmark of the Christmas season. I'm happy for you!

Pieces of Me said...

That was lovely, I am glad you are finding peace and wonderful things to be thankful for, because you do have A LOT of wonderful things in your life to be thankful for, most of all the love you feel from your heavenly father.

bravone said...

Beck, I believe the emotion you feel is a spiritual gift to be treasured. This is the first Christmas in years that I feel the emotions of which you speak. It feels good to feel again.

Beck said...

SCOTT: Thanks. Sometimes I just need to step back and ponder, reflect and take in the bounty that is around me.

PIECES: See, I'm not completely worthless... maybe there is still hope for me and my marriage. Thanks for your encouragement.

BRAVONE: Yes, it can be considered a gift, but like with everything, it can be a burden... but I prefer to see it as a blessing. Thanks for believing in me.

Formerly known as Peter said...

I don't know how you can experience so much emotion in one weekend. Here's to a Merry Emotional Christmas!

Silver said...

Beck,

May I affirm you, your manhood and your loving service to family, friends, ward members and high priests?

This post is a celebration of where you are in life and the positive, loving influence you are on many, including me through your sharing of this weekend and your emotions.

Even your feelings for Thomas and your thoughts of him show the breadth of your feeling and ability to embrace beauty.

I applaud your emotional feelings and outward expression. I've generally been a deeply emotional person and easily moved to tears.

In recent months I seem unable to cry. My feelings are somewhat locked. I don't know if I have gone into protective mode. I hope I'm not "past feeling" and I don't think I am. I suppose there was such an outpouring of feelings and tears before that I'm in need of a holiday.

Through my life my feelings have ebbed and flowed at various times. I'm glad you are feeling deeply and celebrating the "Spirit" of the season.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas!

Silver

Beck said...

PETER: Thanks for checking in and commenting. Whether you are sarcastic or sincere, I'm not sure, but it was an emotional weekend - one that makes you wake up a bit and see the bigger picture and move yourself out of the trees to see the full forest and the beauty of life around us.

I've already settled back into my dull existence again - these spurts are just that - spurts. I need to find how to maintain such emotion - but then, without the dull moments we'd have nothing to compare against and appreciate the feelings of passion.

Beck said...

SILVER: I'm so sorry to hear you are not "feeling". For me to not be able to "feel" would be like taking my breath away.

I appreciate your kind thoughts and expressions of love for me. I extend my love to you as well and hope you can have a holiday season with your family and loved ones and feel the spirit and tenderness of those connections in your life -
and... I am praying that you can cry again!