Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Thomas - Part 2


The response from this community to my previous post has been overwhelming to say the least! I've tried to distill the advice. Though it may seem like I'm totally at a loss of what to do, deep down, I know what to do (whether I choose to do so is another story). Some suggest I shouldn't even be doing this, others suggest I should pull the plug on this blogging gig of illicit secrets, others are intrigued as I am by it, others still are mainly worried for my wife's sake, and rightfully so. That said, I feel like I need to get this out of my system before I can move on with what I want...


I need to explain that Thomas was my first. He started it all. He opened me to the world of man-to-man affection and emotional (read non-sexual) bonding. So, being the first, he has a key soft spot in my life and nothing will change that. He taught me to be honest with my heart. He encouraged me to not be afraid of natural affection between men (cloaking it in a cultural difference between Americans and Italians - and there is a huge difference) and I took to his coaching and encouragement and demonstrations of affection as if I were coming alive from the inside for the first time in my life. I had been so closeted through my adolescent years and so afraid of so many things that when I was with him I felt so open and free and alive and human for the first time! Combining these affectionate encounters with spiritual encounters of teaching, of gospel discussions, of testimonies, of missionary work, of service to others - all led to a flooding of spirit and passion mixed together and wrapped up and personified in him. My mission president observed us together and actually encouraged me with this relationship and deemed it a precious thing and admonished me to cherish it.


Obviously, as I look back, I was experiencing the joys of my homosexuality as well as the bonding, the passion, and the spirit. I was finally feeling WHOLE. It was an incredibly life-altering experience. I interpreted it as love, true love, brotherly love in the truest form, etc. I did not want to think about the sexual aspect, but it was there. But, the point is, I was finally feeling alive as a person, as the person that I am inside. It was as if I came alive anew. It is difficult to explain, but from this friendship, I came home a much different person.


Had I known at the time (and maybe only Abe understands why I wouldn't have as these were different times) that I was gay, I don't know what I would have done with this new-found wholeness. But, because I didn't know, or wouldn't allow myself to think that way, I immediately challenged myself to find a way to get this feeling of passion and wholeness back into my life. I ended up channeling all my energy, my spirit, my emotions, my passions into a source that substituted for the love lost by being separated from Thomas - the MTC. In the MTC, I focused this feeling inside me of who I really was as a person and I channeled it into the missionaries and opened my heart to them and became extremely affectionate with them. Again, I found a way to experience intense male-to-male bonding in a controlled, safe, emotional and spiritual environment of brotherly love.


Because I went chasing off after Thomas when he got married and blowing all my savings (if that doesn't tell you that I was gay and giddy and madly in love with him, with passion dictating my actions - I don't know what will - for who else (read non-gay /non-passionate) would have done such a thing?) I came back to the MTC a few days late into the fall semester and districts were already assigned to other teachers and I was left to teach "retention" (the evening study hall) with none other than my wife-to-be. It was this thrown together coincidence, caused by my unbridled feelings for Thomas, that created the meeting and the love-at-first-sight of the only woman who I've ever felt that way about. We dated in the MTC with us teaching together and that stirred all my emotions and passions and spirit and love into the place, the missionaries and into her. We became friends. We courted in the MTC. We dated in the MTC. Our relationship was centered on the missionaries and we built our friendship around our concern for them. Out of this came a romance and love and we were soon engaged. (Again, who but a gay guy would have his courtship with his future wife built on the bonds of passion centered on the MTC? No straight guy I know of!).


So, Thomas, for me, became of symbol of all things good that I felt inside as I was free to be who I was inside. In the MTC world, I was free from judgment and harsh realities of dating and BYU single-life pressures. Those feelings of romance that I felt for Thomas were easily transferred to the one woman who was attracted to me directly because she saw me glowing, and inspiring, and so outwardly expressive and sensitive to others - and all these emotions that were stirred by him and transferred to the missionaries - she saw as endearing and attractive - and she fell in love with that person.


In time, the fairy tale ended. Life went on and reality set in. We weren't compatible sexually. We struggled in many ways. The passion ended. I withdrew from life. I settled into a routine. I fell into my closet and wrap myself in my shell and disappeared. For years we lived like this.


Then, one day, I was reborn. I was made YM President and I found a new source to "be myself" again and to find that WHOLENESS that I was missing. I started feeding that passion and emotion and brotherly love and service and craving for male bonding into the young men. Soon, deep bromances developed, and this time, now more sexually aware of myself as an adult, I became squarely cognisant of my sexual attractions I had for a couple of these young men as they prepared for their missions (this is where Will and Tim come into the picture). It scared me and I started to hate myself for I finally put it all together that I was gay.


I confided in Thomas, and he gave me strength and hope and encouragement without judging me. His goal was to keep me from hating myself or doing harm to myself and he didn't internalize what it all meant to him or that I was in love with him...


Two weeks ago, for whatever reason, it dawned on him for the first time that I was "in love with him" when I was a missionary, and it was like a switch turned on inside him and he awoke to the realization of my feelings for him, and opened to the possibilities those feelings might mean for both of us, and for his own sexuality. (It was like the scene in Thomas Hardy's Far from the Madding Crowd where Mr. Boldwood all of a sudden falls in love with Bathsheba when she sends him a joke Valentine card. All of a sudden Mr. Boldwood was open to the possibilities that before never reached his consciousness). He told me yesterday that he found himself on the morning bus commuting into work and his thoughts of me and my pain and confusion and passions and feelings overcame him and he started to cry - tears were shed and he said that he hadn't shed any tears for anyone in years and here he was crying on the bus. These feelings are bursting within him. Is this an evil thing? A cruel joke like a carelessly placed valentine? I don't think so.


All my feelings for him have been packaged with goodness, wholesomeness, spirituality, kindness, sensitivities. Yes, we are now discussing passion more openly, including the possibility of physical intimacy, but it is theoretical, not actual. Even so, some have suggested that my emotional attachment to him has been equal to committing adultery in my heart. I beg to differ. I don't feel it that way. Maybe I'm too naive or too blind to see, but I see these feelings as WHOLENESS within me.


For the first time in my life, I have opened myself honestly and completely and have shared my same-sex attractions with him without fear of judgment or trepidation. He has been the first man who has embraced those key elements of who I am and has returned his affection to me with love and sweetness and understanding and acceptance. I feel WHOLE again. Is this evil? I don't think so.


I'm giddy as a school boy because I'm perpetually stuck in my adolescent stage and I'm acting like a teenager - I know that. I never got this far with Will and Tim - they were spared the pain of knowing that I was gay (though I tried to show them in so many obvious ways) - and so for Thomas to respond so positively and openly to me as a gay man has turned my longing heart and head in a teenage crush. Do you blame me?


Some comments jump to conclusions and assume that I am ready to pursue an adult-type gay relationship with Thomas. If you think that, then you don't understand from where I come. I've tried to explain that I am stuck in the "romantic" image of this relationship, the adolescent view of what "gay" really means. I'm so slow in my coming out that I would not and could not jump to that extreme of a change from teenager to adulthood even if my thoughts and desires and passions express themselves in a way that would seem that I would. I have more thoughts on this adolescence that I've been saving for another post.


To ease your minds, I wrote him last night and told him that I was pushing too fast and smothering him with my passion and that I needed to turn it down a bit and come to grips with myself and my situation and his situation and the appropriateness of our love letters. I told him that all that I said was true and that I couldn't retract it, but now that it was out, we can't go back to where we were, and so I worry where we go from here?


I was worried all day about his response. I then received this (translated):


"Don't worry. There is no problem. I am happy that you have opened your heart to me: if this is the truth, it is useless to hide it. We are adults, no longer teenagers, and we can have patience, patience that our lives have toughly taught us. Be calm! That is what God wants. I don't want you to have this fight within you, I don't want you to suffer, because you already have suffered too much. Be happy with what we have. It is a miracle. We don't need to make any other mistakes, more than those we've made in the past. So, I ask you again to be calm. Don't worry about me... The truth between us doesn't make me suffer, instead, I feel nothing but joy. I want you to always be able to tell me everything, that your heart is always open and not closed to me. You are mine. I will have patience and am content to wait... and if it never happens, I'm happy just the same. Be at peace with your family - promise me! I know that you will make things right with your family! I believe in you..."


You can judge for yourselves, but I think this has been a good step. We've toned it down and are trying to enter a more real / adult phase of this new reality between us...


Now, and I don't know if I can, I will try to turn my heart back to my family... but give me a moment, a brief moment to enjoy the feelings of being WHOLE for once in my life...

20 comments:

Scott said...

We're on our way out the door to our daughter's orchestra concert, but I just wanted to share one thought that entered my mind when I was reading this part:

All my feelings for him have been packaged with goodness, wholesomeness, spirituality, kindness, sensitivities. Yes, we are now discussing passion more openly, including the possibility of physical intimacy, but it is theoretical, not actual. Even so, some have suggested that my emotional attachment to him has been equal to committing adultery in my heart. I beg to differ. I don't feel it that way. Maybe I'm too naive or too blind to see, but I see these feelings as WHOLENESS within me.

I envy you the relationship you have with Thomas. It sounds wonderful and wonderfully fulfilling. I agree that it doesn't sound like anything that resembles adultery, even "in your heart".

The only concern I have is that you're sharing your heart between Thomas and your wife. I don't think that that's a bad thing--I think that it's totally possible for a human being to love more than one human with all his heart. But (I've only got one drum to bang on, don't I?) I really think that your wife needs to know that she's sharing you with someone else.

I would hope that she can be made to understand everything you've explained in this post and to accept and appreciate the relationship that you and Thomas have. But she deserves to be made aware of it.

My word verification is "wisman". Does that mean anything? :)

Captain Midnight said...

Sounds to me like there's nothing to worry about. That really is kind of a fairy tale story. Haha.

Alan said...

Beckster:

Would you mind sending me your e-mail address, I would like to give you some feedback but prefer to do it privately.

Public Loneliness said...

I guess I speak for myself mainly, but I also think most of us will never ever see the type of love that you talk about here, be it bomance or otherwise. Wherever this goes for you I will have you know that you have brought tears to my eyes for sharing all of this highly personal stuff most of us would never dare reveal...I see nothing bad with this kind of love and as you so eloquently put it, the moment is yours to cherish. Big bromance hugs to you.

Sean said...

I just read your comment back to me... It's been crazy busy for me lately. I don't know how much input I can put in with the "younger" perspective, but I do have some thoughts.

One thing that I'd like to say is that everybody falls in love (becomes infatuated, crushes, etc.), whether it be with a guy or a woman. The problem, in my opinion, is when you start to fantasize about that relationship, especially when you are already in a relationship. It's kind of like coveting something that you don't have. I know that I am guilty of this at times, as are most people because we are definitely not perfect. So just be careful not to let your mind wander too much, at least until you figure things out.

From the sound of your current post, it seems like you are on the right road to gain the insight that you want. You have expressed your feelings and Thomas has expressed his. Now you are taking a step back to process everything and figure everything out. That is one of the best things that you can do.

One more thing I think has been mentioned, but I'm not sure because I haven't read through all of the comments, I really think it wise to talk to your wife about this. You don't have to mention the emails, but at least you should talk to her about your feelings for Thomas and how you still have them.

"We must seem pretty silly to you to be at our age and still be going through these games and infatuations and flirtations. Thanks for not laughing out loud at us older buggers."

Who says that I'm not laughing out loud? ;) No, I think it is cute that you "older buggers" still have little crushes and what not. It just shows me that we are all humans. Plus it shows me that life is probably never going to get boring when I'm older... I hate being bored and not challenged! ha!

Was that a "young" enough perspective for you or would you like more? ;)

Beck said...

SCOTT: You are a "wisman". Thanks for seeing things as they are and not as "adultery" which they aren't.

Yes, I'm sharing my heart, but I always have and she's always known this. Thomas has been part of "our lives" from the beginning. She knows of my love for him and that it hasn't dimenished. What she doesn't know is his newly found openness to my being gay. That is the part I have to bring her up to speed on... and in the right way.

I'm very good on compartmentalizing. I think those of us who have lived in the closet as long as I have are VERY good at compartmentalizing. Our double lives are second nature to us and it is hard to put the pieces together. I'll be posting more on this as I move into the next phase.

But this post is trying to show how in one sense at one moment, within the realm of his love, I feel whole and complete and non-compartmentalized (if that makes any sense at all) and it feels wonderful and makes me wonder what life would be like if it always felt this way.

Beck said...

CAPTAIN: It is a fairy tale but it's true. This development in our relationship is so amazing and bizarre that you can't make this stuff up. I hope it stays as "nothing to worry about", but who knows what the future has in store... maybe I'll find myself in Italy alone and vulnerable and...

ALAN: I'd love to email you privately to you and get to know you and your perspectives better.

PL: I've been very hesitant to open up like this. This is very private stuff and as some have suggested, probably should have remained private. I felt the need to share so that I can "get it off my chest" and write down what I'm feeling so that I can work through it. Otherwise, this becomes so suffocating. I don't mean to make you cry, but at the same time, I've shed many a tear and it really means a lot to me to have others really understand what is going on inside me.

Beck said...

SEAN: Good to see you back. Yes, the part that is difficult for others to understand is how I can have such feelings for Him and for Her at the same time. As I noted to Scott above, as I have learned to survive in the closet for so long, I've gained skills in compartmentalizing my life. This blog, for example, is compartmentalized away from the rest of my family life (to the disgust of some here). Thomas, though a part of our lives, is still compartmentalized off. It's like I have a split personality and am two people in one and I'm never whole.

I hope you (and other younglings) who are more open and understanding of yourselves at a younger age will never have to live this way, or come to a point where you have to piece yourself back together.

I appreciate your understanding of us older closted married guys. I'm not an example of what you have to look forward to, but yes, even we at twice your age, still have infatuations, crushes, and romance that makes life anything but boring!

Please share more - I love to learn from your view on us older buggers!

Kengo Biddles said...

So, if Sean's "young" and you, Beck, are an "old bugger" does that just make me a bugger? (And if you know the British slang, you should already be laughing...)

*bringing out Soap Box*

I think that your perceptions of male-male relationships are skewed because of the strong "John Wayne"ism that pervades US society. It's not okay for men to touch. It's not okay for men to be emotional. It's not okay for men to show any sort of femininity, in ANY expression. (Illustrated by John Travolta's comment about playing the Mother in "Hairspray", and how he could cut loose in his dancing...)

My point is this: What you have with Thomas, the emotional sharing, the concern for one another, the touching (Europeans touch 90 times in an hour at a dinner--Americans touch twice.) -- IT'S ALL NORMAL, outside of our STUPID "John Wayne" society.

I had Brunch (he called it breakfast) with a gay friend. As we were talking, he swatted my hand, like gay guys do with other gay friends, because THAT'S NORMAL, but it was funny--he hesitated for half a second before he did it.

In summary? My feeling is the emotional friendship, the concern and the frank expression in hugs and socially stipulated cheek-kisses is NOT WRONG in the least.

It's the sexual/emotional part that is not so great, and I know from me, I've had to develop a mental understanding of where that line is because our society has CRIPPLED us when it comes to the same-gender relationships, as men in America.

*puts away Soap Box*

(Calgon--take me away!)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been a silent reader for a long time now, I'm 25 years old and my heart hurts for you.

I see that you want to do what is best for your family, it's obviouse you care about them very much. However, I just don't see how staying in the situation you are in with them is benificial to anyone. You need to do what will make you happy, nd it that means seeing what could come of this relationship with Thomas, than do it. It would hurt your family at first, but they love you and want you to be happy too.

Bravone said...

Beck, Is it time we both come clean and publicly acknowledge that you were my MTC teacher? Some already know or suspect that we have this connection. Reading your comments about how you poured your feelings and emotions from Tomaso into your relationships at the MTC and your wife bring my MTC experiences with you into a clear light of perfect understanding. I witnessed first hand the love and compassion you have for the Italian people.

Your love and compassion for both the gospel and the Italian people changed my life! I distinctly remember circling our desks around you as you shared experiences of how Italy had affected your life. I would give specific examples, but feel they are too sacred for me(us)to put into a blog. I remember wondering at the time if Italy would affect me the same way, if I could come to love a people and culture as much as you did. I came to love the Italians long before I met them....through you.

Nothing in your actions in the MTC was inappropriate. Your expressions of love for the Italian people and for us as missionaries were pure and edifying. I had the opportunity to serve with others whom you taught and they too shared a love for you and an increased love for the people they served because of your influence. I also met many in Italy who knew you and were touched by your spirit.

My desire to teach at the MTC was directly a result of my desire to pass on your legacy to future missionaries. I don't think I fully succeeded in accomplishing what you did, but following in your footsteps was truly a blessing in my life.

If Tomaso was a catalyst for your compassionate feelings for the Italian culture, I feel to thank him for that. I cannot even read your translation of his words without hearing the accents, smelling the aromas, and basking in the beauty of this wonderful people.

I know your heart and am not concerned about the choices you will make. I count our "reuniting" as a true blessing in my life, a second tender mercy from Father to rescue my soul.

Con tanto affetto ed amore,
Bravone

playasinmar said...

10-to-1 a mysterious business trip to Southern Europe is in your near future.

Holy crap! There are too many Scotts in this conor of the blog-o-matic (or whatever you call it).

Bror said...

I have read your Thomas posts for the past few days. I have been thinking about them a lot. I just want to say lucky you. I think it's great you have this relationship with Thomas.

Beck said...

KENGO: I have screamed from the moountaintops and preached from the rooftops my feelings of the appropriateness and necessity of male-to-male affection in this American society! This has been one of my quests! I preach it and live it - maybe to much and to the detriment of some, but I don't worry about them and I'm happiest when I am as open and affectionate as possible. And for the most part, it has worked to everyone's advantage.

Saying that does not mean I don't see the dangers of a sexual, physical relationship for someone married as I am. So, I get it the warning and see the line, even though at times it may be thinner than dental floss in a blizzard!

But, we've got to fight the suggestion that all male-male affection is sexual, and thus evil or wrong. So many men, because of this John Wayne hangup, are missing out on so much. That is why the MTC was such a magical place to teach - particularly missionaries that will be rubbing shoulders with people who will be touching them at least 90 times an hour! They were so open to put down their guards (at least the majority) and see the world through different eyes, and discover the magic of close, intimate, personal, touchy-feely relationships with other men.

I reject any notion that this is wrong! Now where did I leave that dental-floss, I can't seem to find it anywhere... :)

Beck said...

ANON: I do want to see where this relationship with him will go. I do want to know what it would be like to be with him in such a relationship, but it is disingenuous of me to speculate, for I'm acting immature in doing so, for, at least for now, it isn't going to happen. The practical side of me takes over from the passionate side and wins the arm-wrestle. I can't fly off (even though I've investigated flights and costs) at least right now. I reserve the option for the future and will see what happens and develops from our newly discovered dialog of passion. As we scale it back, we may lose the intensity, but the feelings are now said, they can't be taken back, so we now must decide how the journey proceeds from here, just by email, by occasional visits, or by living together. In all likelihood, the first two have possibilities, but the last does not, at least with the situation as it now stands.

I appreciate your encouragement to do so, but know that I do love my wife, I treasure my kids, and I love the Gospel and I'm thankful for the blessings and bounty they bring into my life. Yes, there are serious difficulties and disconnects and dishonesty and misunderstandings - but in the end, there is a love, a different kind of love than what I'm currently feeling for Thomas, that is still strong enough to overcome those shortcomings and struggles.

Beck said...

BRAVONE: I've written you privately, but publicly I thank you for you testimony of who I am and that this is real and I'm not making it up. I couldn't make this up. Even the best Hollywood screenwriter couldn't invent such a story and turn of events.

Yes, for everyone reading this, it is true that I was BRAVONE's MTC teacher, I'm sure to his detriment. I corrupted him in my way of teaching the Gospel and in showing affection. :) In all seriousness, I love Bravone. He is one of MY elders, a special soul that has touched my life now and shown me sincere brotherly love in a second round of this journey.

Beck said...

PLAYA: Do you want to be my travel agent? :)

BROR: I consider myself lucky, too, for I have known this man for nearly 29 years and he's touched my life in multiple ways and continues to do so. I feel that is a miracle. I feel that I should be very grateful that this has taken the turn it has. How often do these relationships typically last? A few phone calls, a few emails, a Christmas Card for a few years and then it's over... But it ain't over until it's over, and for me, these feelings aren't over. They are precious and I want to treasure them and understand them and embrace them and develop them and nurture them in ways that are positive and good for all involved.

If that makes me "lucky" then I'm the most unluckiest lucky man alive because there's still a choice to be made - maybe not all or nothing choice - but still a choice, and that's the unlucky part of the deal.

Damon In CO said...

WOW!!! Look at what I miss when I miss a couple of days of Becks post.

HOLY CRAP BECK!!!

I want you to know as I read your last two posts I laughed and cried and found myself envious of your current position and at the same time grateful not to be in exactly your position.


Wow! I have thought so much.

You know you've passed a point of no return. From your posts I know you've recognized that but wait...because I'm not sure the full impact of that has hit just yet.

I think I had a similar experience on my mission as you had on yours. My Thomas was Karson...who I've talked about a little bit.

I love him immensely. I would do anything, give anything and be anywhere for him if he needed me. He's married now and like you with Thomas I was there for his wedding.

I know that I love Karson. I also have known, almost from the beginning that I am "in love" with him. I don't know if he realizes he feels the same way about me or not...if he can allow himself to reocgnize those feelings. But I know he has feeling for me too; for alot reasons I can't go into.

Before Karson was married I have daydreamed about getting responses from Karson like you got from Thomas. And I know what I would do but our situations are different.

Some have said on here that you are sharing your heart between your wife and Thomas. I would say your compartmentalizing your heart and that space reserved for romantic, sexual love is not being shared at all...not really.

You are feeling a sense of wholeness right now because for once you are having needs met that haven't been met ever...or not since your mission. You are being loved by a man whom you love too.

Sure you've had it before with your other bromances, but this with Thomas (then and now) is diffefrent than with Tim or the others.

I'm happy for you Beck. Because, more than you can guess, I know the happiness...the exhileration, the joy you felt when you read Thomas' words to you. I can only imagine the surreal feeling it must have given you.

I have two things to point out. The first is a word of caution. I know right now you firmly believe that you have no intention of pursuing this relationship with Thomas into inappropriate realms and that you've already pulled back in your emails.

However, allow yourself to daydream enough and to consider it enough and you may be pulled toward a decision you might not be ready to make. I am not judging any decision either way, I am simply pointing out that in continuing to consider what now truly "could be" with Thomas you open yourself up to a path you might find yourself on without meaning to be there. You may find this new revelation between you and Thomas will tug you in a direction that you're already fighting.

Second, in life we have many obligations. To work, to friends, to family...just as some examples. Some might say that our first obligation should be to ourselves. If we do not take care of ourselves how do we truly fulfill our obligations to others?
Fulfilling your obligation to yourself needs to be defined by you, though.

I agree with Scott...your wife really should know what's going on. I'm not sure any of it would be received well...but she deserves to know.

I love you, Beck. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Your choices are tough...but they're good choices to have.

~Damon

Beck said...

DAMON said: "You know you've passed a point of no return. From your posts I know you've recognized that but wait...because I'm not sure the full impact of that has hit just yet."

I don't know what the full impact is at all. I daydream of what that might mean, but reality always overcomes fantasy. Yet, I can't go back. It's like telling my wife that I'm gay and all the emotions and turmoil that caused, and then turn around and tell her: "Oh, I was just kidding". I've told him that I'm "in love" with him and he's opened himself to those same realities - I guess we can close ourselves off from each other, but we can't just take it back and say "Oh, I was just kidding". I don't know the consequences of these words other than the current eurphoria... I'm not sure what the future will bring, nor the associated consequences. I feel I'm strong enough and anchored enough to see it through to it's best conclusion - but who knows?

"...Some have said on here that you are sharing your heart between your wife and Thomas. I would say your compartmentalizing your heart and that space reserved for romantic, sexual love is not being shared at all...not really."

You do get it! But, I feel the compartmentalization is coming for a survivor tool in order to keep sane between my two selves. We all have two selves within us, and I'm not referring to "good and evil" or Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde" either... but two selves that sometimes choose and survive between two good choices. I think that closeted gay Mormons are experts at this.

"...in continuing to consider what now truly "could be" with Thomas you open yourself up to a path you might find yourself on without meaning to be there." Is that necessarily bad? Isn't there a possible option of this path that is good? The "could be" is killing me. Before it was just a dream, a possibility within my mind only... now it is a real choice and a possibility in both of our minds. Shouldn't that be explored? treasured? understood?

"...If we do not take care of ourselves how do we truly fulfill our obligations to others?
Fulfilling your obligation to yourself needs to be defined by you, though."

That's where the "what do I want" list comes in... and it ain't an easy path - and it bothers me that I'm struggling as hard as I am to come up with it - it shouldn't be that hard, in fact, it should be obvious - but it isn't.

I'm sorry for the shock of my post to your system. I'd love to learn more about Karson and how you've learned to manage your feelings for him.

Damon In CO said...

Beck,

LOL don’t worry about shocking me. It wasn’t a shock really…just a surprising turn in the story of your life.

When I refer to “full impact” you’re getting it, just not all of it. You’re right you can’t take back what you and Thomas have said to each other. But, right now you’re worlds apart. How will it be and how will you feel when you see him next? Do you realize how hard it will be not to hold him, to kiss him and to let yourself experience him? That’s part of what I mean when I say the full impact hasn’t hit yet.

You said you want to “see it through to its best conclusion” but what does that mean? What is the best conclusion to you?

In talking about considering what could be with Thomas what I meant was that by daydreaming you subconsciously think about what you’d like to have. Our choices and actions originate in thoughts and ideas. Once you’ve pictured it in your mind it’s easier to make it happen…or let it happen.

Although this might not be bad, it could be if you aren’t prepare to head down that road. Your better of consciously choosing to head down that road instead of just letting something sort of happen. As I said, it’s just a word of caution…

You said Beck that we all have two sides within us. Do we? I don’t feel myself split like that. Not even as good me/evil me. The two together are me and I learn to manage them both.

Beck said, “…now it is a real choice and a possibility in both of our minds. Shouldn’t that be explored? treasured? understood?”

That depends…who are you asking? If I had to make that choice with Karson I’d say yes, absolutely. It’s what I’ve wanted. But you need to answer that question for you and Thomas. I think you do what to explore it but how you do that is a path you are going to have to carve out for yourself.

As far as what you want and your list; I have a theory. You can tell me I am completely wrong, if I am. I think your list of what you want is hard because what you really want and what you think you ought to want aren’t the same. You’re afraid of what you really want because of what the consequences could be…not just your consequences but how it would affect those you love.

If you want to make it easier to make that list then when you think about what you want imagine that it’s just you and you don’t have to consider anyone else. That’s the list of your wants. But what you really want is not always what’s best for you and that’s something you’re going to have to figure out too.

As for me and Karson, I am more than happy to share as much as you want to hear. As for how I manage my feelings for him? I don’t really. I am hopelessly in love with him. I’ve never told him that but I think he knows.

Before I was ever out of the closet he got married and for me that was it. I would never presume to interfere with his marriage or his happiness. But, if somewhere down the road he came to a realization of who he was and his feelings for me and wanted to share a life with me, I would do it.

It would hurt his family and I know that. That’s always the sad casualty in these stories: The spouses and children of gay men who were following (trying to follow) society’s rules.

Did I ever tell you about my friends’ dad in high school? LDS family, 6 kids and his dad finally comes out of the closet and they get divorced and live their own lives. It was hard for all of them, especially in the beginning but time seems to have healed the wounds for all of them.

If you ever want to chat or email you know Scott has my information.

~Damon