Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas longings...

My thoughts are mixed. I'm desiring things that fracture me. I want to be in two places at the same time.

Part of me desires to be with him as he directs his small choir of local citizens at the piccola chiesa paesina where they sing their praises to God for the birth of the Son in a way that can only be appreciated being there in that place and time. Part of me desires to be at midnight Christmas Eve mass with him as he plays the organ at the local cathedral, and then again at midnight mass on Christmas. To feel the spirit of his music and the sacredness of the occasion, and the pageantry of the season with him is something I long for.

But it is not to be... I am here. He is there. He wants me there with him. I told him I wanted more than anything to be there with him. He understands. I'm not sure I do. He's making a video of the oratorio and sending it to me. I'm not sure that I can watch it... yet I can't wait for it to come.

This is a dream, a fantasy - real as it is, it is still a fantasy...


Part of me desires to be focused with my wife and kids and not go anywhere else. I want to just stay home, to just cuddle together around the fire, to just sit quietly wrapping my arms around them, holding them close and cherishing this place and time together. I have this dear and loving family here and now. This isn't a fantasy. This is real. This is peace.

I held her in my arms this morning for a long, long time. We cuddled and caressed each other affectionately - no one said anything as we watched the darkness dissipate into light. I felt serenity, comfort, love and peace.

Why do I make this so hard? It's here in front of me to grasp if I want it... Do I really want it?


May you be wiser than I and find the serenity, comfort, love and peace that you seek at this Christmas Season... MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Anonymous said...

Hey Beck, long time reader here. As I read your posts and others comments I'm filled with sadness. So many voices here are telling you that you should stay where you are, to fight, that loving another man is not worth it. Well, I have to say I disagree. Maybe for them it wasn't worth it, but you are different. You are your own person, and maybe it is what is best for you. I think that deep down it is less a question of "Do you really want it?" and more a question of "Am I brave enough to go for it?" You know what is really want, whether that is to be with Tomas or not. Either way, It is OK.

Bravone said...

Boun Natale my friend. I can feel myself back in Italy each Christmas. What a wonderful, sacred time.

I pray you will feel the warmth and love of your family as you celebrate our Savior's birth.

With a big Italian Christmas embrace,

Ezra said...

You know, life is full of really tough choices. Do you accept the happiness now, and avoid the risk of destroying everything in your life persuing a fantasy? OR do you go forward with your dream and have courage that when you make that leap you'll find yourself happier than you ever imagined?

I can't say. I certainly don't envy my married MoHo friends. I pray that you will be guided to the decision that is best for you.

Beck said...

ANON: Thanks for being out there and reading along. You make me realize there are those who are silent readers and are following my saga and it amazes me that you feel inclined to read my pinings.

I appreciate your comment and encouragement. I'm torn at times, as I really desire a male relationship, but I am anchored in my family commitments and covenants and treasure those to the point of not wanting to walk away from them. Keep in touch as I find my way through this fog I'm in... whether it is an issue of bravery or desire or responsibility or love, I'm not sure but it is okay.. it is okay.

Beck said...

BRAVONE: My memories of Italian Christmases are strong and powerful. I wish I were there now caroling in the snow-filled streets, acting spontaneous and showering folks with hugs, eating more than I should of the best of food, and the Pandoro - I need some PANDORO!

Buon Natale mio fratello...

Beck said...

EZRA asked: "Do you accept the happiness now, and avoid the risk of destroying everything in your life persuing a fantasy?" The answer isn't that simple, though it should be, but it isn't. I want to want it and have it be enough. I'm not going off on a fantasy, but the longings are still there, right or wrong.

This married MOHO gig isn't envious, you're right, but I do know that I have a family that loves me, kids that love me, a wife that loves me - that is something that I treasure and will fight to keep myself from destroying.

Thanks for your comments and Merry Christmas!

Bravone said...

Dear Beck and Ezra, While being married and gay is not often the easiest path and not seem to be worthy of envy, I am so blessed to be married and enjoy the blessing of my children. Any moments of angst or despair are far overshadowed by the happiness and peace I find within my family.

It may not be the path desirable or available for all. I consider my self a lucky man.

Merry Christmas,

Beck said...


Sean said...

I think that you are a lot wiser than you play yourself out to be.

Interesting thought that I've been thinking a lot about lately... Do we purposely (whether it be consciously or subconsciously) make our lives harder than they should be? I personally say yes (I think I'm going to blog about this after Christmas). Would you agree with me?

Beck said...

SEAN: Absolutely! My history proves that it is easier to make things hard than to just do what is obvious, even most wise. I don't suppose it is because I just like the never-ending debate and struggle instead of just deciding and putting it to bed once and for all... there is something to the idea that we like it hard.

But why is that?

Anonymous said...


You are not alone in your longings.

I spent the day enjoying Christmas with my wife and children. We cut back this year due to the economy. It was a simpler Christmas, but somehow better and less expensive. More thought and personal effort went into the gifts.

I spent the day surrounded by loving family as I have for nearly 20 years, but much of the day I thought of "Him". You see I have a dear MOHO friend with whom I am more than a little close. I longed for him.

I broke away twice and called him during the day. I wanted to be there for him and hold him, comfort him. His family doesn't support him well and he is very alone; though surrounded by family. He went the entire day without a single gift from his parents and siblings, yet he was with them all day. It's been that way for 12 years. They barely acknowledge him or his needs.

At one point he was within blocks of me visiting family. I couldn't go to him, but I wanted to so badly. He was having a miserable day and I could only comfort him with my voice.

I had a very nice day with my family, all the while knowing that he was hurting and I could do so little.

I love him deeply and I can do so little. If I risk more I may lose all I have. I love my wife and family. I don't want to leave them, to hurt them, but how do I make room in life for this man I have come to love so much? It seems that ultimately, it will only hurt all of us. He wants needs and deserves more time and love than I can give to him. My wife and family deserve all of my attention; all that I can give to them. It is a double bind. I am caught in a web. I am so torn between two very strong and opposing affections. It is a cruel and sick joke. I'm getting angry at God, yet again, for finding myself in this condition.

I wonder, how many find themselves in similar situations? The conflict is killing me. Why? What am I to learn from this and how does this square with my faith?

You see, you are not alone in this.

Beck said...

ANON: Your story is touching and obviously has similar threads to my own. Yes, it is helpful to know (even anonymously) someone else who has similar longings.

Your longings are much more "around the corner" than mine. With a continent and ocean between us, we know that the longings come with a reality that seeing each other is not just around the corner. That is both good and bad...

I hope you're able to find ways to bring peace to this split in your desires. It isn't easy, and I hope you can work your way through it to find the balance between your two longings.

Have you thought of blogging? Your voice needs to be heard. I would love to learn more of your situation and how you cope and deal with the challenges of your longings...

Here to a happier and more internally peaceful New Year!

Anonymous said...

May I ask why is it a fantasy to live as a gay man? I am gay. I had a wife. I have children too. The marriage did not work out. There was misery for both of us. I live as a gay man. I am happy. I thought I would be miserable. I was told I would be regretting my choice. I feel life the way life is meant to be felt. when I was married I was hidden and depressed. Today i see life full of beautiful color. Again I ask why is it a fantasy?

Beck said...

ANON: I suppose it shouldn't have to be left to the realms of fantasy and I'm glad it hasn't been for you - but for some of us, with certain other commitments and arrangements and connections in place, it is difficult to think in those terms without being left to fantasize, as reality does not permit the "happiness" you describe.