Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Gay Chameleon or Gay Switch?




Over the course of the last week, I've received comments on this blog and in private messages from those who imply that I should suspend with my associations in this blogging community, that I should take down my blog and that I should stop "feeding" my attraction issues, including searching for the perfect guy, or bromances, or my newly renewed relationship with an old friend. They typically speak from the advantage of experience and are sending me a warning voice that they didn't heed and sincerely don't want me to go down the same path they went.

Meanwhile, there are those on this blog and in private messages who imply that to think that I can suddenly stop feeling what I feel inside, and that I can turn off the switch of my attraction, is just stupid and ludicrous to even contemplate such a thought. They see progress I've made in self-acceptance and encourage me to be honest with myself and the inevitability of these feelings.

Obviously, there are others somewhere in between these two extremes, but these extremes do exist and both groups show great passion and sincerity for me as a person, particularly in this last week, and are both trying to influence me for the best.

I end up thinking: Am I blogging too much? Has my blog become too important? Is there something about the advice to not hang out with other gay guys? Is there something about not "feeding" my attractions and passions?

Or I end up thinking: Is this community worth holding on to? Is going it alone really better than help and encouragement and support from others who are wanting my best interest at heart? Is the queerosphere a self-fulfilling prophesy of the inevitable? Honestly, I've gone it alone and it isn't fun. There is strength in numbers, particularly numbers that are trying to keep their covenants. Yet, is there something about us coddling each other and encouraging each other in acceptance that we talk ourselves into condoning what we wouldn't condone alone?



So I go back to the switch idea: There are guys out there who have confessed that they really have gone all the way, have had passionate and sexual physical relationships with guys, long-term, short-term and every-term one can think of, living all kinds of gay partnerships - from one-night stands to decades long monogamous relationships - and then... POOF... they walk away from it all, leave it behind, repent, move on to wife and kids and covenants with no regrets, no longings, no never-ending cravings. And I ask: HOW DO THEY DO IT???? Give me specifics! Is that possible? Are these guys for real? Is this truly the rest of the story? Am I too cynical now to accept that that ending is conceivable for anyone, including me, one who has not taken those steps of sexual relations, yet still has strong and sometimes overwhelming attractions and cravings?

I mean, just yesterday, I went to a construction job site. There was the contractor's young baby brother on site who ended up taking me around the project. He was 24 years old, sporting a blond pony tail, young brown beard and piercing blue eyes and a smile that melted me. It was all I could do to keep concentrating on the project and not on him. He caught me staring at him a couple of times and just smiled politely. I was freaking out...

Now, was that because I've been "feeding my issues" too much here and on the Internet? Was it that I miss my past bromances that are now gone and a long-distance passion that isn't here and now? Am I just a lusting slutty gay-adolescent destined to live my life this way because I haven't experienced that which my warning voices have experienced? Am I just a sucker for a twenty-something, athletically-fit, blond pony-tailed, young bearded, blue-eyed beauty or what?

The point is: I can't turn this off! I can't be a chameleon that can change at whim! I'm doing that gig already and have done it so much that it's driving me insane and I don't know how not to do it - fitting into my splintered selves... dishonesty with my wife and kids... sneaking relationships and blogs... temple attendance and church leadership positions all wrapped up in a chameleon rainbow of change. I don't care how much I step away from this blogging, these queerosphere friendships of fellow MOHOs, the Internet, my bromances, my fantasy world - it doesn't matter - I don't know how to turn this off. And I really am struggling to know that those of you who can look at such a guy and just walk away and keep your thoughts on your work - I don't believe you. Some admit to such emotions and follies, while others keep such thoughts to themselves, while others say they've overcome such thoughts and have moved beyond them because they are a LIE.

I don't believe anyone. Where is the truth? I don't believe that I'm alone in these feelings. I don't believe I can switch this gay-thing off. I don't believe that I can just walk away. Yes, I can resist, I can walk from actually doing something inappropriate, I can control myself, but to say that these feelings won't happen if I just work at it hard enough - I'm not convinced. How do you do it? How do you go from having passionate relationships with other men and then just decide one day that you won't anymore, and you don't... even in thoughts.
I know the Plan and I know the Atonement and I know repentance is possible and that change is possible and that repentance is nothing more than a "change of heart" or a "change of direction". But I will reiterate that I am convinced, as delusional as I may be, that these feelings are innate, are part of me, have always been and will always be - not taking away the possibility of the "healing power" of the Atonement, but recognizing that my Spirit is who I am and I am this way and I have nothing to be ashamed of who I am. These feelings are part of me and define me and are a GIFT from God and as such, it is my duty, obligation, responsibility and passion to multiply this gift and make it the best that it can be for good - for others and for me!

Maybe I am too far down the chains of hell and I don't even know it... or I've realized too late and I'm already chained to the author of all LIES... and this Blog and this queerosphere community is just part of Satan's package.... (now if one really understands the Plan, one realizes this defeatist attitude is the greatest of all LIES - there is always hope and I'm not giving up yet!).

27 comments:

Sean said...

You ask, "Where is the truth?" The truth is inside you. You know what's good for you and you know what's bad for you. Other people may have their opinions of what you should and shouldn't do, but ultimately, it is you who knows the truth to those answers. At times it may be hard to follow what you know to be true or it may be hard to find the truth deep down inside of you, but you can find it. The truth is there.

For me, I can't turn off my feelings like some people can. I have had my relationships and I do crave them at times. One thing that I found that really helps me is finding things that I am passionate about and can get lost in. Doing this gives me a sense of purpose and fills most of the voids in my life.

Sean said...

One more thing I forgot to mention. There have been times when taking a blogging holiday was best for me. This usually happened when I let blogging control my life--I would constantly be checking blogs, emails, comments, etc. Desperate and hoping to have any contact with people. So if you are feeling this way, you might want to consider taking a blogging holiday and let things simmer for awhile.

Hidden said...

Beck, you already know the answer to your angst.

You're just forgetting.

Your choice, your agency... it's the most important and powerful thing you have. To save you or destroy you.

Abelard Enigma said...

There are guys [who] walk away from it all, leave it behind, repent, move on to wife and kids and covenants with no regrets, no longings, no never-ending cravings.

There are even more ex-ex-gay's who would beg to differ.

Like you, I spent most of my life trying to deny these feelings and pretending they didn't exist. I was nearly 50 years old when I finally came to terms and was able to admit to myself that I am gay.

After spending decades failing to rid myself of these feelings - change now seems about as likely as me becoming a concert violinist - it ain't gonna happen. And, if change means returning to the self loathing I lived with for most of my life - then I don't even want to change!

We all need to learn how to play with the hand we've been dealt. Although we've both been dealt similar hands - how we play them will be different and unique to ourselves. And, there will always be naysayers on both sides telling us how we should play our hand.

Bottom line, Beck needs to do what's best for Beck - and it doesn't matter what any of the rest of us think.

Philip said...

Beck,

One way to stop gay feelings is to partitionalize one's feelings.

However, I tried it and don't recommend it.

My gay feelings are so intertwined with all my other feelings that the only way I could keep a lid on my gay feelings was to put a lid on all my feelings.

When I was a young man, I met other gay married men that put a lid on their gay feelings but they never could do it for very long. Maybe a few months, even a year or so. However, many of them were extremely successful (maybe because they didn't let feelings intrude into their everyday business life) and they didn't seem to suffer from the constant turmoil I always found myself in.

When I tried to be like them, I found that I became a person I didn't want to be. A person I liked less than what I was. The man I became was able to handle rational matters wonderfully but I had trouble making everyday connectiopns with others, even my wife and child. Something that had been easy before became increasingly difficult.

I didn't just want to be there for my family in a protective and financial way. I wanted to be there for them emotionally, too.

I decided it was better to struggle with inner turmoil if it meant still being there for my wife and child emotionally than being successful but emotionally closed off.

I truly believed my child, who was just a baby at the time, is so much better off being raised by an emotional wreck of a father than an emotionally closed off father.

But there is more...

Back then I didn't know realize what the long term price these men were paying for partionalizing their feelings because they never attempted to form friendships with me and went in and out of my life so quickly that I never really go to know them. But now I have met others who finally crashed and burned after years of partitionalizing their feelings and I think they and their loved ones paid a much bigger price than me and my loved ones did living with the turmoil.

These men and their loved ones suffered from decades of not connecting.

Regards,
Philip

Sean said...

Hi Beck,

It has been sometime too since I last popped over to take view in QOS. It was Abe who actually told me that I should stop by and visit your particular blog.

When i started reading your story here with regard to Thomas, I too was greatly reminded of my dear friend John Galt. Like yourself John has been one of my personal heroes along with a few others like L, Samantha, Abelard, and ya, you!

We come and go here in the weirld little space we've carved for ourselves on the net. We are dicotomies within our own religous community. Yet we have one thing that keeps us fully rooted in our belief that Father is indeed real. That Christ is the Savior and He did die and was reserrected. I know I am a Child of a God. My beginnings didnt start here and certainly wont end when I give up the ghost. Even with that conviction, there are times that i wonder if it really is "true". I faulter; hell sometimes I even fall flat on my face (often multiple times during the same week). But this i also know, that I can get back up.

I had to find a balance in my life. I can no longer deny that I am gay, but at the sametime I cannot deny other parts of myself which I know to be just as true.

Honestly, I dont believe anyone truly understands real Love. Sure the Greeks did try to define it and I think by those definitions we've also come to hedge love into something that it isn't as well.

We've spoken/read ad naseum, it seems, about cultural differences and the American problem/issue with male/male contact. I honestly belive that even we as LDS do not fully comprehend Love.

A few weeks ago I was teaching a Sunday School class where we discussed the importance of emotions/feelings. We discovered together that we are not to supress our feelings. meaning that what we feel is what we feel. but we do have to make our actions/reaction compliant with how Father has asked us to live and we have covenanted as such.

I do not fault your feelings/emotions/drive, hell I have great sympathy and empathy because I have the same feelings.

My Samwise lives in my community. We were in the same mission. Our kids play together. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him if he asked. I also get to tell him I love him. He brings me much happiness. But I also believe that Father has given me a different path. A path that i chose and continue to choose. My heart and my love are with my wife and also with my friend.

I dont understand "Love" Beck, but it certainly seems much bigger than what we are currently experiencing in this particular life.

If you ever need to talk (voice) I am always available.

All my best to you Beck. To your family, your wife, you children, and to Thomas.

Love,

Beck said...

SEAN: I agree that I know the answers and the truth lies within me. But, it's nice to learn from others. I enjoy blogging for that purpose. I enjoy your perspective. I admire all perspectives, yet, I marvel how someone can be one way one day and one way another way. I'm not saying that I want to do that necessarily, as I don't think it is possible... once I was "switched on" to what I was oppressing all these years, it was impossible to switch it off. Yet, if one has done that, than I want to learn HOW. I'm still open, but I don't believe, for me, that it is possible, or even desirable.

When I say that, I feel like maybe I'm denying the Atonement to work within me. Yet, when I realize that what I'm really saying here is being who I am and who God wants me to be, and to use my gifts for the better - then I don't feel like I'm denying any of His redemption - for there is nothing to be redeemed from.

I also agree that passions are a great thing. Blogging does get controlling, and putting my efforts back into my family, service, work, etc. help to keep me in balance. Blogging gets addicting... I am uncertain of myself so I seek confirmation, criticism, help, slaps-in-the-face, etc. because this is my only source of discussing these things - and it gets controlling... I just took a blogging holiday and then things got more complicated, I came back, and now I already feel like I need to take another one... but I'm cool. I'm fine. I'm working hard, and we're doing fun things for Christmas - started doing Secret Santas in the neighborhood last night and had a blast... There is life beyond blogging, but...

the gay switch is still locked in the "on" position!

Beck said...

HIDDEN: Agency is as basic as who we are as spirits. It always has existed and always will. We always have existed and always will. And who we are is based on how we use our agency. I haven't forgotten anything here.

I'm just commiserating... I'm cool - hanging in there, remembering who I am.

Beck said...

ABE: I am not after these gay-switch guys to make the decision for me to return the way I was (depressed, angry, distant, aloof from my wife and family and anything to do with intimacy, etc.), and I totally understand that Beck makes the decisions and choices for Beck and only Beck knows what is best for Beck and that Beck's situation and package of "gifts" (which include challenges and blessings) are uniquely Beck's and no one can judge him and his choices for what he does - I know. I just want to know how guys who've had it turned on full blast can turn it off to a dribble... or in our cases, since we've never turned it on full blast, are we left always tinkering with the switch, neither fully on or fully off?

And yes, as stated above, I do NOT want to return to the completely-in-denial guy - that guy was not happy, not connected, and nearly got divorced just because of his complete emotional blockage. When he did start to come out to himself, he started to transition from a non-person to a real human.

I am a real human. I feel. I have passions. I love. I love people a lot. I romantasize to a fault. I fantasize more than a teenage girl. But I'm alive and God knows it and I feel good and happy with the switch turned on. No, I have no experience and so I'm destined to remain a teenage girl... and if that is what remains of this decision to not switch off, then I guess I am destined to remain a teenage girl. It is my perogative and my agency and thank you very much for caring!

Beck said...

PHILIP: When I was in complete denial I was fine. I went over a decade with hardly a hiccup in attraction issues... I dealt with it just fine - but I pulled away from my wife, I became dull and lifeless, but I survived.

When I opened up to my bromances, I started coming alive. I was excited and passionate again, not just about them, but about my church service, about spiritual things, about work, about creativity, about reaching out to those in need, etc. But, with my bromances came the fact that I was turned on to guys and this is what was bringing me to the fact that I was always turned on to guys, I just suppressed it for so long that I had forgotten - and then it started to gush forward... and here I am.

At times I feel like a volcano ready to explode... I've used that analogy many times here, because it feels appropriate. I have kept my erruptions to a minimum, and let steam off from time to time, but, like your partionalizing friends, the time may come when I just explode! And who wants to see the carnage from that?

Do I go back? Is it possible to go back? That is the question. Is it possible to experience so much more than I have and then switch it off. Is that possible?

Beck said...

SEAN #2: It is so good to see you commenting here, and noticing that I'm still a wreck.

You said: "I dont understand "Love" Beck, but it certainly seems much bigger than what we are currently experiencing in this particular life."

I agree I don't understand it. I just know that I'm happier when I feel and desire and care and risk and open myself to all of these emotions than to close them off from even happening.

Abelard Enigma said...

are we left always tinkering with the switch, neither fully on or fully off?

That's an interesting thought. Perhaps, since we've never fully turned it on, it's not possible for us to fully turn it off - maybe it will be forever stuck in the halfway position. Sometimes leaning one way and other times leaning the opposite way - but never fully engaged in either position.

Bravone said...

Beck, As one who has had physical relationships, I can assure you that for me and I am sure most, the feelings and cravings don't just go "Poof." The feelings are sometimes diminished a bit when my life is in balance, but they are always there. There is no such thing as a gay switch. Choosing to leave gay physical relations behind is an extremely difficult and painful process.

I am surprised at the sentiments expressed by some towards John Galt. I don't personally know him, but I have read his story. Some doubt his credibility or try to marginalize the difficulty of his journey. I do not understand how any of us are in a position to judge him. I also cannot believe that we who so desperately seek acceptance and tolerance cannot even show the same to "our own." Sorry for getting a bit exercised. It just frustrates me sometimes. It almost seems that some would be happier if those who have decided to do their best to live a righteous life or to try marriage would fail. Maybe misery loves company. (Wow, I must really be worked up. I hope I still have a friend or two at the end of this post)

Yes, there are those of us who have crossed the line and returned. For me, it has been a long and excruciating process, yet it has also been a process of self discovery and purification. There was no switch to flip. It was more like resetting a dislocated shoulder without medication.

I am back where I need to be. I do not say it boastfully, but humbly and gratefully. I have no illusion as to my vulnerabilities. The attractions and cravings are still present, but they do not dominate my life. I choose to fill it with other worthy and uplifting things. I choose to surround myself with people who care about me. I choose to not go by the bar at night. I choose to not view porn, to not engage in inappropriate sexual activities.

I did not choose to be gay, but I choose to not let this one aspect of my life define the whole. The choice is ours.

Beck said...

BRAVONE: I appreciate your sentiments and honor them. I honor JG and others wanting to remain anonymous like him that have now written me, and I want to learn from you, the more "experienced" bunch.

What I see in you is the honesty of the struggle, the journey of redemption, and the vulnerability that remains. That actually means more to me than your sexual experience. That shows me that it is possible to fight the fight and to keep on keepin' on, and making good choices each day...

Maybe I'm reading too much into the other stories and seeing too much of a dramatic change to be believable. And sometimes I feel like I show my vulnerabilities too much at the detriment of my strengths. I appreciate vulnerabilities and strengths in a person - that is what I find endearing in you.

Sometimes in this community there is the concept of misery and commiserating together in our suffering. We aren't happy unless we are miserable. If we didn't have our misery and our companions in crime in it, then where would we be? What would the purpose of our lives be if we didn't tear at each other and keep ourselves down in the struggle and not allow our brothers to reach up and out and onward and forward without us? You're right, there is that sentiment... I hope, however, that you weren't supposing I was espousing such posture.

I only want to learn and be better and show my vulnerable side and my strengths of determined will without a false sense of hope of switching it all off.

Damon In CO said...

Beck,

I don't anyone's story, really, but my own. And I agree with you that, for me, I cannot turn my switch off. Maybe some can...maybe they're lucky.

Whether I completely cut myself off from any gay associated things or not my feelings will still be there...in complete force. I tried for years to keep these feelings and emotions at bay. To remove every gay thing in my life.

I am afraid, that for me to diminish my feelings in the slightest I'd have to live amongst women only. And I would probably find the butchest woman of them all and spend the rest of my life with her. LOL

I also believe that we're all indivduals and our successes and our paths to success will be extremely individual. Success to me and success to you may be very different.

I think we all wish we understood better how homosexuality and it's role fits into God's plan. We don't. In fact, Church leaders aren't exactly clear themselves.

Sean is right, you're going to have to figure out for yourself what you need to do with yourself. Abe is also right...you've got to do what's right for you.

I think you're are hoping someone out here in the blogosphere or somewhere else is holding the secret answer for you. One that allows you to be ture to yoru covenants, remain active in Church and fulfill the needs you have as a gay man.

I'm sorry but that solution simply doesn't exsist. It's what I was looking for too for a while. As a friend once told me...you're really Mormon and really gay and the two can't mix. Which one is going to make you happier? The fact is you will HAVE to sacrifice something no matter what you choose.

It's a harsh reality no one has ever really wanted to face. You can recognize your sexuality and realize you can never fulfill it and remain in full fellowship of the Church. You will sacrifice fulfillment sexually and emotionally.

Or you will choose fulfillment and you will not have full fellowship in the Church. Some may say one sacrifice is much bigger than the other. But that's for you to decide.

You want someone to give you the answer, Beck and like Dorothy with her ruby slippers you've had the answer all along.

I love you so much Beck. I've struggled like you have. I didn't have a wife and family in my situation. But I stayed up nights weeping, praying, begging Heavenly Father for answers. Then I gave up on answers and just begged for peace. I warred within myself for years.

I do know now, more than ever, that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know now more than I ever did that I am of worth and importance. I have received the peace I sought. I don't have the answers but I do have peace.

Maybe you need a "vacation" from all of your angst. Take time to discover the answer that is already in you.

~Damon

Bravone said...

"I hope, however, that you weren't supposing I was espousing such posture." No Beck, I don't think you are even capable of throwing an insulting word. I probably should not have said what I did. It was one of those times I get worked up and then sort of regret the tone. I hope I didn't offend.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Damon's comments ring true. I think the answer for all of us is already within us. The hard part is accessing it, sorting out all the junk and rediscovering the truth within us.

I think we all agree that as we currently understand things, there is no way to be sexually fulfilled in a gay relationship and also enjoy full fellowship in the church. However, there is much more to our gay natures than sex. Thankfully those other traits and blessings that accompany our "gayness" are compatible with the gospel, maybe even helpful.

Thanks for letting me vent without judging me harshly.

Good night my friend,
Bravone

Scott said...

I've been swamped with work, so I've been silent, though I've followed the posts and comments here when I've had a spare minute here and there. I need a break from PowerPoint animation for a minute, so for a complete change of pace from what I have been working on, here are my thoughts:

For a long time "gay Scott" was a belligerent little beast that I kept chained up in a dark cell inside of me, and he was alternately passively subdued and ravenously wild. In a frenzied phase he would manage to grab my thoughts when I saw a cute guy and twist them down dark paths into places that I didn't want to go, and I hated him for it. Overall, though, the chains were strong and the bars were thick, and he never gained enough freedom to be able to have much influence on my physical actions.

Then, earlier this year, God turned the light on inside of me and I looked in that cell and realized that gay Scott wasn't the monster that I had thought him to be. In fact, he looked just like me, and I saw in his eyes that he was good, not evil. All of the tricks he had pulled over the years had been acts of rebellion, motivated by the resentment that he felt at his imprisonment. I was blessed by God with an ability to accept him and to love him, and we became fast friends.

He still lives inside of me, but I allow him his freedom and he cherishes it and exults in it. I have discovered that his former mischief had been a twisted manifestation of his gift for finding great beauty in the male form and face, and he delights in pointing out to me every beautiful thing that he discovers so that I can enjoy it too. Occasionally he still starts to lead my thoughts in undesired directions, but since he has been given his freedom he is much easier to distract.

For all his happiness at his new-found liberty, he is a bit lonely. His kind is not really complete without another, and his kind can only be found in other gay men. For now, though, he is content to enjoy our new friendship and his new freedom, and I am happy with the relationship that we have forged.

I recognize the possibility that someday he may want more, and that his desire for a mate may increase to the point where he begins to make demands. Should that day ever come, I guess I will face a decision. As I see it, I will have a few choices:

I could give in to his demands and help him to find what he wants. This will mean hurting Sarah, something that I certainly don't want to do (and something that he doesn't want to do either--he loves her too, as much as he is capable of).

Or I could clap him back in irons and shove him back in his cage. But this won't mean going back to the way I was before I got to know him, because the lights are on now, and I know him and consider him a friend. As hard as it was to deal with his imprisonment before, when his cage was dark and I could consider him a monster, it will be much, much harder emotionally to keep him constrained when the lights are on, and I can see the hurt and pleading in his eyes.

The only other option, and one that may or may not have any hope of success, would be to try to put him off. To try to use logic and reason, or bribes and pleas, or whatever other means I can come up with, to get him to agree to withdraw his demands for the time being.

I can't tell you right now what my choice would be, because I don't know. I hope that the day that I have to make that choice is far off, or that it never comes at all, because it won't be an easy choice to make.

It looks like you may be facing that choice right now. It sounds like you are feeling like you may not be able to convince "gay Beck" to hold off for a while, and to withdraw his demands. If this is truly the case, you may only have the first and third options to choose from. I don't envy you that choice.

Some final thoughts, that may or may not help...

You may or may not have noticed that in the decisions I outlined above I said nothing about the Church. That is because in reality, I don't see the Church as a major factor in the decision.

I have a solid testimony of the Savior and the Atonement. I believe that the Gospel was restored through Joseph Smith. I believe that the Church, as "the Kingdom of God on Earth", is true.

I also believe that the Church, as in "the Corporation of the...", hasn't got homosexuality figured out yet. I believe it's possible that the two or three GAs who have said that homosexuality is a mortal condition are wrong. I believe it's possible that homosexuality is eternal, and that us gay people fit into the Plan somehow, and that we just don't understand how yet.

So, as a gay man sealed to a woman in the temple, I see two possible eternal futures: (1) I die, learn that gay really is mortal only, and rejoice that I'm sealed to a wonderful woman or (2) I die, learn that gay is eternal, and God in His infinite wisdom and mercy works everything out so that both Sarah and I can be perfectly happy throughout eternity (together? both sealed to different men? who knows?).

Or... if Sarah and I were ever for some reason to separate and I was to find a partner: (1) I die, find out that gay is eternal, and I can be sealed to my partner (and Sarah can be sealed to a wonderful man who she loves and who loves her) or (2) I die, find out that gay is mortal... and who knows where I'll end up (many would say I'm in big trouble since I've intentionally sinned with my partner, but I think that maybe the Atonement is farther-reaching and Mercy more powerful than we realize, and that given my circumstances, I might have a chance at some Celestial glory).

In a nutshell, then, I'm going to do what feels right without worrying about whether it meshes with the Church's teachings on homosexuality or not, because (1) I'm not convinced that those teachings are inspired and (2) even if they are, I believe that God is merciful and judges each of us according to our circumstances and what is in our hearts.

So my only concern, if I ever have to face the choice that you face, is Sarah's emotional well-being and physical welfare (as well as that of my kids, of course).

This has gone on far longer than I intended, and I think I've said more than I meant to, and possibly more than I should have (so much for anyone thinking I'm perfect anymore, with all I've said about the Church). :) I've got to get back to work, and you've got a decision to make. I wish you the best of luck in making it, and I know that you'll make the right choice.(*)

(*) because really, depending on your point of view, either choice could be the right one. :)

Neal said...

Have you prayed about it?? What does HF want you to do? Isn't that who we're supposed to put first? "Not my will, but Thine be done". Have you considered what His will is in all of this?

We're ultimately responsible for our own salvation. No one can save Beck but Beck. No one can develop your relationship with HF but you. What do you want that relationship to be? What does HF want that relationship to be? Answer these questions, and you've answered the others.

Regards,

Neal

Beck said...

DAMON said: "I'm sorry but that solution simply doesn't exsist. It's what I was looking for too for a while. As a friend once told me...you're really Mormon and really gay and the two can't mix. Which one is going to make you happier? The fact is you will HAVE to sacrifice something no matter what you choose."

The choice isn't for me to choose between being really Mormon or being really gay. I'm both and that's that. Meaning, I can't stop being either without stop living. I am a believing member of the Church and I love men. So, the choice isn't between the two - instead it is between how to live with both being a part of me since I can't change or switch either of them off.

I'm just asking HOW others have done it. I'm doing it in the best way I know how and that is to not lose my head over pony tailed blond construction young bucks, as I keep reminding myself I'm happily married, and it wouldn't be right to jump him... while at the same time not cursing or hating myself for admiring just how stunningly beautiful he is... and that fine line, isn't always easy to find.

The line between loving Thomas and desiring to be with him and hold him verses closing all ties and blocking myself of having such a bromance at all, as a violation of my marital commitments and morals... with this one, I don't find the bromance a negative thing and am seeking a way to keep this relationship while not violating my marital relationship or Church membership. I don't feel they are exclusive of each other.

But, yes, the choice is mine. I'm just saying I can't switch it off and now that I'm as "out" as I am, I can't go back and say "just kidding" and stop being who I know I am.

Beck said...

BRAVONE said: "...I don't think you are even capable of throwing an insulting word..."

Well, you haven't seen me lose my temper. I can get pretty feisty, but thank you for the compliment. I try to be accepting and understanding, teachable and humble as I learn from those who obviously know more than I do, and that means you!

Beck said...

SCOTT: When you get going, you really get going! You are always good at laying out the choices in a logical and orderly manner.

Beck isn't going away. Beck now has a voice and I hear him and I want to hear him and learn from him and experience those things that he yearns for. And with Beck's freedom, he's helping me to be happier and more content with myself and so I don't want him to go away, back to prison, hidden away. I'm happy with sharing my life with him. He's shown me great lessons of tolerance and love and beauty and has demonstrated his gifts and I want them to multiply.

That said, Beck respects me, and is willing to be patient. I'm not as anxious to let him take over as you may think and I think he's okay in being a bit more patient and not be hasty.

So, there is time... there is always time to work things out. All I'm saying here is that Beck isn't going away - he isn't switching off and I don't want him to and I'm amazed if others are able to have their "Becks" switched off or change at a whim. Beck and I are mostly happy together and finding a way for us to live side by side and respect each other seems to feel right - oppressing either one of us for the betterment of the other does not make sense, nor is it even possible... For me, for now, it isn't possible.

Beck said...

NEAL: Many times I don't ask Heavenly Father what he thinks because I feel like I already know his answer and to ask what I already knows seems stupid. I haven't prayed about these specific choices between me as I'm not sure I want the answer! That's the scary part. I'm not sure I want the answer.

I have asked him about my gay self and He and I are happy that we've come to understand each other (as noted in my response to Scott above) and I feel good about the prayers I've had with Heavenly Father about self-acceptance and peace between my splintered selves and no longer hating myself or beating up on myself.

Bravone said...

I am not convinced that knowledge or wisdom learned from making wrong choices ever trumps faith.

Beck said...

BRAVONE: Okay - you win! I'm better than you because I've never caved - I've just wished to have caved. :)

I get your point. But it takes FAITH for both of us in our respective journeys to move forward with HOPE.

Bravone said...

"I'm amazed if others are able to have their "Becks" switched off or change at a whim."

I don't think it is possible or necessary. It certainly isn't possible to change at a "whim." It is hard and should be.

Bror said...

Well, I can't find my switch, but I know without a doubt it has always been on. I can't turn it off bud. I don't see how it is possible. I have been trying for years to find the off switch. I know now it's not going to happen. I am ok with that. I feel better about myself after accepting this. And as far as bromancing, take that away from me and I might as well just die today. I am not ashamed to admit I need them. They motivate me to do things I would not do otherwise. The Bror before bromancing sucked to the bone. He was on a path of self destruction. My wife can even tell you this. I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't. I can only share with you how I feel. I do want to say keep up the blogging and don't change a thing. There are perfect like they are now. They are so Beck and I like that.

Beck said...

Thank you Bror... We feel about these bromances identically. I would be dead without them. I am alive and a better husband and father because of then, not in spite of them!