Over the course of the last week, I've received comments on this blog and in private messages from those who imply that I should suspend with my associations in this blogging community, that I should take down my blog and that I should stop "feeding" my attraction issues, including searching for the perfect guy, or bromances, or my newly renewed relationship with an old friend. They typically speak from the advantage of experience and are sending me a warning voice that they didn't heed and sincerely don't want me to go down the same path they went.
Meanwhile, there are those on this blog and in private messages who imply that to think that I can suddenly stop feeling what I feel inside, and that I can turn off the switch of my attraction, is just stupid and ludicrous to even contemplate such a thought. They see progress I've made in self-acceptance and encourage me to be honest with myself and the inevitability of these feelings.
Obviously, there are others somewhere in between these two extremes, but these extremes do exist and both groups show great passion and sincerity for me as a person, particularly in this last week, and are both trying to influence me for the best.
I end up thinking: Am I blogging too much? Has my blog become too important? Is there something about the advice to not hang out with other gay guys? Is there something about not "feeding" my attractions and passions?
Or I end up thinking: Is this community worth holding on to? Is going it alone really better than help and encouragement and support from others who are wanting my best interest at heart? Is the queerosphere a self-fulfilling prophesy of the inevitable? Honestly, I've gone it alone and it isn't fun. There is strength in numbers, particularly numbers that are trying to keep their covenants. Yet, is there something about us coddling each other and encouraging each other in acceptance that we talk ourselves into condoning what we wouldn't condone alone?
So I go back to the switch idea: There are guys out there who have confessed that they really have gone all the way, have had passionate and sexual physical relationships with guys, long-term, short-term and every-term one can think of, living all kinds of gay partnerships - from one-night stands to decades long monogamous relationships - and then... POOF... they walk away from it all, leave it behind, repent, move on to wife and kids and covenants with no regrets, no longings, no never-ending cravings. And I ask: HOW DO THEY DO IT???? Give me specifics! Is that possible? Are these guys for real? Is this truly the rest of the story? Am I too cynical now to accept that that ending is conceivable for anyone, including me, one who has not taken those steps of sexual relations, yet still has strong and sometimes overwhelming attractions and cravings?
I mean, just yesterday, I went to a construction job site. There was the contractor's young baby brother on site who ended up taking me around the project. He was 24 years old, sporting a blond pony tail, young brown beard and piercing blue eyes and a smile that melted me. It was all I could do to keep concentrating on the project and not on him. He caught me staring at him a couple of times and just smiled politely. I was freaking out...
Now, was that because I've been "feeding my issues" too much here and on the Internet? Was it that I miss my past bromances that are now gone and a long-distance passion that isn't here and now? Am I just a lusting slutty gay-adolescent destined to live my life this way because I haven't experienced that which my warning voices have experienced? Am I just a sucker for a twenty-something, athletically-fit, blond pony-tailed, young bearded, blue-eyed beauty or what?
The point is: I can't turn this off! I can't be a chameleon that can change at whim! I'm doing that gig already and have done it so much that it's driving me insane and I don't know how not to do it - fitting into my splintered selves... dishonesty with my wife and kids... sneaking relationships and blogs... temple attendance and church leadership positions all wrapped up in a chameleon rainbow of change. I don't care how much I step away from this blogging, these queerosphere friendships of fellow MOHOs, the Internet, my bromances, my fantasy world - it doesn't matter - I don't know how to turn this off. And I really am struggling to know that those of you who can look at such a guy and just walk away and keep your thoughts on your work - I don't believe you. Some admit to such emotions and follies, while others keep such thoughts to themselves, while others say they've overcome such thoughts and have moved beyond them because they are a LIE.
I don't believe anyone. Where is the truth? I don't believe that I'm alone in these feelings. I don't believe I can switch this gay-thing off. I don't believe that I can just walk away. Yes, I can resist, I can walk from actually doing something inappropriate, I can control myself, but to say that these feelings won't happen if I just work at it hard enough - I'm not convinced. How do you do it? How do you go from having passionate relationships with other men and then just decide one day that you won't anymore, and you don't... even in thoughts.
I know the Plan and I know the Atonement and I know repentance is possible and that change is possible and that repentance is nothing more than a "change of heart" or a "change of direction". But I will reiterate that I am convinced, as delusional as I may be, that these feelings are innate, are part of me, have always been and will always be - not taking away the possibility of the "healing power" of the Atonement, but recognizing that my Spirit is who I am and I am this way and I have nothing to be ashamed of who I am. These feelings are part of me and define me and are a GIFT from God and as such, it is my duty, obligation, responsibility and passion to multiply this gift and make it the best that it can be for good - for others and for me!
Maybe I am too far down the chains of hell and I don't even know it... or I've realized too late and I'm already chained to the author of all LIES... and this Blog and this queerosphere community is just part of Satan's package.... (now if one really understands the Plan, one realizes this defeatist attitude is the greatest of all LIES - there is always hope and I'm not giving up yet!).