Saturday, December 29, 2007

Year end reflections - part II...

So it's been three years. Am I any different? How have things changed? For the better or for worse? I'll leave those to be dealt with in the next post in this series...

But, an odd thing happened this post-Christmas week that is related directly to this quest for self-reflection at year's end:

Over the course of the last couple of days I've been visited twice (separate and unrelated) by Tim and Will (my two boy-toy heart throbs, if you will, who started the whole "coming to terms" with my attraction issues and eventually opening up about them to myself and to my wife).

It's a coincidence that:

1. each of them came to me of their own will and accord (I did not solicit or even invite such meetings) at my home office,

2. each of them sought out their "old mate" to have a "chat" and to get updated with me over the holidays (seeing that we don't see each other much anymore as both are away to school otherwise),

3. each of them have nearly-engaged fiancees and are planning weddings in the near future,

4. each of them came to discuss the complications and intricacies of the female relationship and the path that leads to marital bliss - um..yes, they came to me, the ol' gay guy, their mate hug-buddy who is such an expert at marriage,

5. each of them stayed over 2-1/2 hours discussing their lives with me - and yet it seemed like only a few precious minutes,

6. each of them confessed their love for me and I for them,

7. each "chat in the flesh" session ended affectionately with our famous hugs-and-kisses scene at the door (need I rehearse the familiarity and beauty of the magic of that sense of touch???).

Now, I personally find it interesting enough that these two guys (who, though they may not know entirely, started it all in waking up my internal volcano, and who independently nearly ended my marriage in divorce three years ago!) are still around, actively in my life, anxious for our relationship to continue and to grow and to be reinforced.

But, the really interesting part is that Tim and Will both came to my house and in both cases, my wife came down and saw us together (talking) and she was very friendly, interested in their lives and not upset that they were with me. And, to further confuse the situation, she never said one thing to me about them coming over (nor the odd coincident of two occasions on top of each other like that), whether I had called them, if I knew they were home for the holidays, whether I arranged to meet them etc. etc. In fact, she hasn't brought them up at all in any subsequent conversations with me. Now, that is what is freaking me out - for you see - Tim and Will are symbols of all that I desire that she can't offer me - and thus, they are a source, a huge source of frustration and jealousy in our marriage. In the last couple of years, even mentioning their names, or encountering them at church, or heaven-for-bid at home, was ammunition for interrogations - questioning my motives and not seeing how painful and hurtful it is to have them still in my life after all that I've confessed that I feel toward them.

And now - nothing - no interrogation at all. Instead, polite pleasantries that are truly sincere. What is going on here? Is she planning the big ax to drop on me in my sleep? Or has she changed and come around to see that these "boyfriends" of mine are just that - friends - friends that are boys (dang cute boys I might add :)) that I need in a special, unique sort of coming-to-terms-with-being-gay-and-married way - and yet not in a way to destroy my marriage, love and loyalty to her? In other words, after dropping the bomb on her that I'm gay and "out" (at least to ourselves), I've suspected that she's anticipated the next bomb dropping that "oh by the way... I've got a boyfriend and I'm leaving you for him" announcement. And, since that second bomb has never come, is it possible to think that she is beginning to trust me? Can she believe that despite my attractions to these boys (that are a strong as ever, if not stronger), I'm still hers and am not going any place? Can she possibly be viewing them no longer as a threat to her and to our marriage? Can she be beginning to accept me for who I am?

to be continued...


One of So Many said...

I hope she is coming to understand the strength of the relationship you have with her. Worry is not a healthy emotion for her or anybody.

Clark said...

Wow this is such an awesome post. VERY thought provoking. The way that your wife has reacted to the situation.. in such a different way then she would have in the past.. is so interesting to me. Perhaps she is trying a different tactic to promote inclusion in your life rather than promoting conflict with it. Obviously part of your life is this attraction, and if she is indeed beginning to trust you- I think thats an amazing sign of promise. A perfect brightness of hope comes to mind.. I am a new reader so I am playing catch up a little bit with your story, but I just wanted to let you know that I found this very interesting. I hope you are having a merry Christmas!

J G-W said...

Beck - You could always ask her how she felt about those visits... I can understand why you wouldn't want to kick any sleeping dogs, but maybe if you asked her about it, it would be reassuring to her that you are concerned about her feelings.

GeckoMan said...

I agree with John, that you strive for mutual understanding. Perhaps you could express appreciation for her positive changes, and ask if you are interpreting her behavior correctly. And of course it never hurts to calmly reinforce your loyalty and commitments to her at an opportunity such as this when review of relationships and plans for the future are top of mind.

I hope this 2008 is indeed a Happy New Year for you, Beck.

Beck said...

OOSM: Worry continues in both of our minds. No, it isn't healthy. Neither is walking on eggshells...

CLARK: Thanks for finding me. I've appreciated seeing your interviews and following your friendship with Elbow. Please don't be a stranger.

Beck said...

JGW: The "sleeping dog" was kicked a bit on New Years Day... more to come. This isn't getting any better! :(

GECKO: Mutual understanding is hard to come by when denial is the standard mode of operation. The Clintonian "don't ask, don't tell" keeps status quo but doesn't progress any discussion of mutual understanding.

Maybe I'll write her a letter?

Anonymous said...

Maybe she realizes that these boys that are your friends are just friends. After all, they are much younger, about to be married or dating girls seriously etc. and I hate to interrupt your fantasyLOL, but maybe these young men look up to you as the great guy you are, and as a good priesthood holder/father figure type person in their lives. Maybe there own fathers (I would be willing to bet money on this one) are absent, emotionally absent, not getting along, not as strong in the Church as you, not as nice as you...etc.

Dr h, my husband says "when you hear stomping hoofs, think horses not zebras". It could be, Beck that your feelings and desires with these young men are all one sided. Your wife may realize this as well and be accepting you for who you are and the man she loves. I agree that, I also don't like waking sleeping dogs or cats (I'm a cat person:) however, I bet if you did speak with her, she would greatly appreciate you more.

Don't be afraid to bring it up, reassure her you love her and that these young men men alot as friends to you. She may realize after all, that there is no chance on their behalf that they would want anything more that fatherly love and friendship from you. I know you are not that old:) but you know what I mean. It's great that you've helped the two young men in their lives and that you support them in their futures to hopefully get married and have children and fulfill the measure of their creation. I realize that sounds like a major Church line, but it's the Lord's line and design for their happiness and yours, and as you know, the love of our children can hardly compare to any other love on this planet!
Well, good luck to you and please try to talk with your wife, she probably has thought about the whole thing a million times already and told herself that these two boys wouldn't do anything sexually with you but it might bug her that you are so taken with them (believe me she knows and can tell, but is being loving to you and giving you space.) She sounds like she adores you Beck, God bless you in your future with her and your children/family.

Love, Kittywaymo