Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Year end reflections - part 1...


Three years ago tomorrow, I attended the funeral of a dear, close friend. It was sad enough that it happened just after Christmas, but it was even worse that he had committed suicide and left four small children and a widow to wonder those "whys" that cannot ever be answered. I am still haunted by his suicide and how he got to the place that made it all make sense to take his own life and to conclude that his family would be better off without him. The days after Christmas continue to be a difficult ones for me...


It was also three years ago, that coincidentally, I was seriously contemplating the same thing. We had made it through another holiday season and we were able to "put on the great facade" in front of friends and family that all was fine in the Beck home. Of course, it wasn't... I had recently come to the conclusion that I was gay - a revelation in the making that took twenty three years of marriage to accept. My wife knew that something was changing inside me as I became more and more distant from her, pulling away from family and all things marital.


After attending the funeral of my friend, I literally fell apart. I couldn't understand so many things. I started crying all the time. I couldn't stop. I was in so much pain and torment. I knew what I was doing to her and I couldn't live with myself, knowing what I was doing to destroy her life and all that she thought she had created with me. I knew that either I would have to confront my wife and bring her into full understanding of what was going on inside of me, (which was something that I just couldn't imagine doing) or I would have to leave the situation all together (moving myself from my wife and kids - running away - or worse - just ending it... my buddy just did it - so why couldn't I?) I was very frightened!


These thoughts and emotions, these feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness overwhelmed me. I knew I had to confront her and I prayed that she would confront me so that I wouldn't have to bring it up. I knew that if I didn't do something to reach out to her for help, I would end up doing something frightening... and again, I wept for my friend and wept that I was heading for the same result.


Fast-forward three years: A lot has changed and evolved in the last three years, mostly for the better... Forester asked me recently whether I regret having come "out" to my wife. That's intriguing me. I know some have advised me to let the past go and that what is done is done... but as this year ends, and I come to my third anniversary of my "outing" to my wife, I feel an evaluation of these last three years is appropriate as I look forward to realizing and marking the "progress" made instead of the lack of progress (though I'm certainly not as far down the road that I thought I would be by now - but, hey... I'm still on the road and I'm still going forward)...


To be continued...

4 comments:

santorio said...

beck, i've just caught up on your postings for the past week or so.

ti voglio bene

what else can i say?

One of So Many said...

The end of the year certainly warrants reflections. It's amazing to look back on ourselves and see where we've come from.

J G-W said...

Life is good. Your post makes me realize, even when things are painful, there is so much good in life. Peace be with you in the new year!

Beck said...

SANTORIO: Grazie tanto per la tua amicizia. Ti voglio bene assai!

OOSM: I feel it's important to look back as long as I do it in the spirit of measuring from where I've come in hopes of assessing where I'm going. As much as it is my natural tendency to grumble over lost opportunities in the past, I need to focus on the opportunities of the future.

JGW: Peace to you and yours as well!