In another recent post, a similar stream of consciousness brought out that those of us who are going through the acceptance period of "being gay" are really just "theoretically gay". I personally gathered from this term that I am putting together my past experiences and feelings and finally recognizing them in a different light... an understanding that I am gay "theoretically", though I have no real practical knowledge of the subject.
It's like gaining a testimony. As a missionary, I presented a storyline with feelings and thoughts that confronted the prospective investigator with new understanding. I exposed the "feelings" of the Spirit and identified them as such and guided the person through those feelings to "know" for himself that these things that I was presenting, added light and knowledge on the subject of religion - and with pondering and searching within oneself, he could know "theoretically" what I knew to be "true". But, with no real practical knowledge of the subject, he really didn't know.
Do I really know I'm gay?
In my last post, it was said that I have these feelings of lust, and these fantasies (which are increasing inside me day by day whether I like it or not) because I'M GAY - simple as that.
In one sense, there is a great relief to hear "testimony" of what I feel inside myself from another source, a validation of these feelings to help me move past the theoretical stage. When I read the words that these feelings I have are "normal" and mean that I am GAY, brings a sense of peace to my soul - a peace that has long been searching for a release, an expression, a realization - just as an investigator's first taste of recognizing the Spirit that has always been there inside him.
And yet, in another sense, I feel very frightened by this "testimony" of who I am and what and why I'm feeling these things. There is a side of me that resists this "knowledge" and makes me afraid to truly admit it to myself.
It was a huge step to come to this conclusion and admit it to myself and then be confronted by my wife and "come out" to her... but when my "testimony" of myself is only "theoretically gay", it is really hard to come all the way out.
I'm fooling myself, because I really don't know anything about what I'm talking about. This isn't reality. I don't have experience or knowledge or assurance of any of these things. So how can I say that I'm truly GAY?
This thought process is starting to take over my life. I was at a business lunch yesterday with two clients and we were sitting at a table at a sidewalk cafe discussing a potential project. Along comes a young stud with a tight white tee-shirt with sleeves ripped off exposing the most perfect athletic arms you've ever imagined seeing. I stared for a moment to the point of frustration from my client who wasn't sure what put me in a trance. I was quivering inside and it was hard to get back focused on the discussion. When I realized what had happened, I started freaking out inside. Neither of the other two guys even noticed the buff stud walking by and I was totally shaking with lust.
Then, later in the afternoon, I was meeting with one of my employees about another project. He's about 12 years my junior, a very good worker, and very good looking. I hired him in the fall and he's always come to work in dress shirts - but today, being a beautiful spring day, he came in wearing just a tight extra-small black tee-shirt, the sleeves hardly covering his shoulders, exposing his athletic biceps. Obviously, he had worked out at lunch and his bis were ripped.
We sat next to each other at a table discussing our project and he'd twist his wrist or lean his head on his hand in a way that his biceps leaped into flexed perfection. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them... I felt like the proverbial straight guy who keeps looking at the cleavage of the secretary's plunging blouse line. I felt like such a slut... I wanted a piece of his guns and it was such an awful lustful moment. I was thrilled at first, and now I'm feeling nothing but panic!
I'm the boss! I'm the guy who's supposed to know everything! And yet, I really don't know anything...
I've reasoned and justified that all I want is an emotional bonding with guys, a feeling of belonging and being accepted by them and being a part of them. Physically, I've lived my life vicariously through occasional emotional body hugs, arm wraps, neck kissing, etc. But, this vicarious flirtation of man-to-man contact is just fooling me to think I know what I'm desiring and feeling. In reality, I want I piece of meat! I want to have the social, emotional, committed relationship that I've felt over and over and over with guys in a pattern of eventual hurt (as they move on with their straight lives and I linger behind wondering and wishing and fantasizing and stalling in an unfulfilling way), but I want to have the physical, lustful, carnal, sexual part as well... And I know I can't do that or have that, or should even desire that.
I'm just "theoretically gay"... and I'm not even sure I know what that means either.