Monday, May 15, 2006

SO NOW WHAT?

The jury is out that I'm undeniably gay!

I guess I knew that, and have partially accepted that internally for some time now, but still to have it said emphatically means something to me - some kind of passage to a cross-roads.

So now what?

I'm still married. I'm still a husband and father. I'm still an active member of the Church. I'm still very much living in a heterosexual world.

And I'm still very much living in a homosexual world in my mind. And I'm very frustrated with the choices I have before me. As much as my "being gay" has not been a choice - what I do from here is certainly a choice!

And I'm terrified...

So now what?

5 comments:

Foxx said...

That's the perpetual question, isn't it?

I know it's no help, but really, you're the only one who can answer that question. When it comes to something like this, every person has a different "best" path to take.

On a lighter note, I love the times when it is so abundantly clear that I'm gay and I see the wholeness and the greatness about it all at once. That makes me happy.

Dave Walter said...

Beck,

You actually have several options, none of them great, but some of which, at least, aren't horrible. The difference between choosing an option that at is least not horrible -- and maybe even hopeful -- is to GET TO THAT THERAPIST! I've said I'll help you find one; take me up on the offer if you can take that step yourself.

AttemptingthePath said...

stay true to the things to know to be true.

when you consider that the fact that youre gay doesn't matter at all.

Beck said...

I'm trying to prepare myself to take the next step on that 'best path' or at least the path that is 'least horrible' while still 'remaining true to the things I know to be true'.

Thanks guys for caring enough to comment. I appreciate it.

-L- said...

Hey, Beck,
Sorry I've been away and haven't commented for a while. I hope you will read some books on the subject too. I'm surprised at how helpful they've been. You should indeed get a therapist. I would include your wife. My wife and I worked through some of my issues with a non-religious (but not anti-religious) therpist and it was a great help.