Tuesday, May 09, 2006
FANTASIES of LUST
What are the purposes of my fantasies?
Why do I have sexual fantasies?
Do heterosexual men have fantasies of women as I am having fantasies of men?
Am I gay if I have fantasies of men?
Am I alone in this? Is this something that I do because I really don't have any other means to release my desires for a relationship with another man?
These and many other related questions have been circling through my mind lately. As I've reflected on it and tried to be honest with myself as I've thought about my past through objective eyes, I've come to the conclusion that I have NEVER had a sexual fantasy of any kind of me with another woman, and this includes my wife of twenty years! Is that strange? Why all of a sudden am I realizing this? Man I'm slow...
I know that for some, this is obvious. But for me, I'm still fighting the notion that this can even be "normal" and that I shouldn't think it a big deal at all... But it is a big deal! And I feel confused and guilty.
I really haven't fantasized about her, or about any girl or woman I've met or known... not one! I really am trying to dig through my memory banks to come up with one and I can't think of one instance. Isn't that pathetic?
So what does that mean? I mean, I love my wife. I cherish her. She has been the strength and essence of my being for so many years. We've become soul mates, help mates, and have created wonderful adventures and experiences together as companions; romantic companions included. I must admit (and I'm a bit shy to confess such things - but perceived anonymity increases boldness)that our sex life has been very rough, at times, and even non-existent for a long period of time. And it has had more to do with me than with her. In reality, our sexual life improved dramatically when we were honest with each other and on the verge of divorce as I admitted I was gay. It was then, that we began to try to "fulfill" each other's needs in a more complete manner and began to have more meaningful sex for the first time in our marriage. It became frequent and powerful and invigorating and wonderful, and we were free as "newlyweds" to rekindle the fire of lost time.
But, even then, I didn't fantasize about her. Isn't that mean and awful? I feel terrible for admitting this. But, it's true. I really never have! In fact, there have been many times, even more recently, when my sexual arousal comes from her touch accompanied by a "fantasy" of a guy next to me caressing me. I feel like I'm cheating on her by allowing this "fantasy" to have its way with me, but she wants me to "respond" and "perform" and I want to fulfill her needs and desires, and so I indulge.
What is going on here?
It would hurt her so much if she knew what is going on inside my confused brain. I can't tell this to her. I have tried to be more in tune with her physical needs and pay attention to her desires... she desires kissing so much more than I do... I try to give her the passion she seeks in me, but it is more like work than like pleasure. That sounds cruel. I don't mean it in a cruel way. It's just that I need to work at it to make her sure that she knows that I love her. It isn't completely natural. And when she wants it more than I, it's definitely work.
Meanwhile, the hug thing in the garage a couple of weeks ago with my guy friend brought on a stiffy that I still linger over -- and with no work or effort at all! And my semi-conscious and conscious mind easily slips into that mode of desiring the fantasy of more and more.
I seldom dream (that I can recall) but when I do, it seems to always be centered on adventures with a gorgeous guy, half-naked or completely naked... camping, on the beach, or hiking or whatever. It's a dream of intimacy of hugging and kissing and always with guys... sometimes guys that I know, other times, guys that I imagine.
I've had recent wet dreams where I've imagined having sex with a guy and they've become very intense. It scares me! I should have moved beyond this years ago! I've analyzed myself thinking that maybe because I've never FULLY lived my passionate longings, that I've become very imprisoned in time... like I'm still an adolescent in the realm of sexuality and I haven't moved into adulthood, though I'm a responsible adult in every other sense of the word. Can that be?
Is this why I fantasize?
I must admit that sometimes I really enjoy it. But, I know it must be unhealthy because it isn't real and I'm living in an imaginary, pretend world and I feel very stupid, naive and innocent... and I feel ashamed. I should be well beyond this!
I have the opportunity for physical rapport with my wife every day, and we have a 'sense of normalcy' as we've re-established our commitment... but I feel like I'm a liar or cheater for having these "thoughts", these "ideas", these "longings" that don't center around her physically, but around a guy.
I've fantasized about certain guys that I know, that started with infatuations and have developed into friendships, and close relationships... but the guys are always straight. They have been guys that love me for who I am and sensitive to my desires to be physical and "touchy" with them... and they allow me to be so with them. But I've tried to curb this attraction to them as I know it is dishonest with my marital covenants and is disloyal to my wife and to them as friends. I desire the wrong thing from them and know it will lead to disaster if I allow these fantasies of attraction to play out in the world of reality...
And so, I pull back even from these dear sweet guys... and then the cycle of fantasies magnifies. ARGHH! I desire them even more!
Is it lust? Elbow asked this question and I've come to a similar point of puzzlement: IS THIS ALL ABOUT BURNING LUST? Don't I just truly LUST AFTER BEAUTIFUL GUYS??? Do straight guys lust? Is lust normal?
Am I fooling myself that I really desire more than physical satisfaction... I want emotional bonding? Maybe I just want a hottie!
I can't believe I'm even saying these things. This is all so strange to be so open about this detail of my life. I'm such a fool.