I've been doing a lot of thinking lately -- in reality, I'm constantly thinking about my current plight and what to do. I want to be responsible and make good choices. I've appreciated the cyberspace friendships that are developing, yet even those can't really fill the need I have to figure things out wisely. I know I need to seek counselling and yet it seems like I'm throwing in the towel, like I've given up and turning this issue over to someone else. Aren't I the one that is responsible here? Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows what to do?
All my life I've tried to be a support to my friends and family, to those I've served with, and I've felt like I've been able to help a lot of people make good choices. I now face choices and for the first time I'm doubting what is "good".
Yesterday before I went into the office, I was working at my home computer. My friend (the one in the garage) came into my home office without my seeing, or without knocking and started giving my shoulders and neck a deep muscle massage.
I knew it was him! I wanted him to touch me!! I wanted to be close to him!!! I groaned with pleasure and turned around and he smiled a huge grin. He was wearing a tee shirt and shorts and was all sweaty from doing yard work. I got an adrenelin rush just looking at him. I felt all nervous inside, like a good case of butterflies, only better. He stood there talking to me and I chose not to get up out of my chair. I knew if I did, I'd reach out to embrace him and try to never let go. It was all I could do to stay seated and stay calm. My heart was racing. We made small talk, but I really couldn't concentrate. It took all my concentration skills to keep my hands off him.
We talked for a while about our lives and his work, and then my wife came in. It was awkward at first, but in reality we were just talking. She was really cool about it and I appreciated her trust in me. I lost it over a year ago and it's taken time to earn it back... but there I sat, both of them oblivious to what was going on inside me. I don't think either she or he had any notion.
He smiled at me in a goofy sort of way and soon left. I thanked him for coming. It was over and we didn't even hug (which is very unusual for us).
You see, I'm at a point where I wonder if I'm going to be able to make the right choices and stay seated, or embrace the opportunity before me.
In one of his comments a while back, DW declared that maybe all I really wanted was validation to go for it, that in reality I just wanted "permission" from someone to release the chain and let me free. I've thought a lot about this. Deep down, I mean way down inside, I do have a desire to experience and know for myself what these feelings are for and why they are so intense right now. I really want to "go for it", in which case, I'm seeking affirmation therapy. Yet, I have other feelings that won't let me go down that path. I have feelings and have made covenants that mean more to me than satisfying this desire, so, in that case I'm seeking reparative therapy.
Truthfully, I don't feel a need to change! I love these feelings! I'm learning to love them for what they are and the good that I've done with them, be it subconsciously or consciously.
I have a dear friend who has already gone down this road. He knows my situation and frankly is sick and tired of my stalling. He also sees this BLOG as nothing more than a search for sympathy and a distraction.
"The reason I said what I did about the blogging is because in a way it's just more of the same where you're concerned - it's another distraction that's keeping you from getting the kind of serious professional help that you need. It's a band-aid on a very big wound. I'm a band-aid on a very big wound. None of us out here in the cyber world are qualified to help you or capable of helping you in the way you need help. You need to sit down with a professional face to face and have a serious talk and get some serious help.
"...all of this stuff that you've been doing in one way or another points towards the one thing you haven't done, which is make love to another guy. It's the one thing you want the most and it's the one thing you've most completely denied yourself. You've built it all up to a dangerous breaking point - and that's what concerns me so much. If you'd at least had some physical contact somewhere along the way or let off a little of the steam with regards to your feelings for other men it'd be different. But you haven't. Everything you've done has been cloak & dagger - lying awake endless nights aching for the one thing you've never given yourself the chance to experience.
"...You've created a volatile situation in your life and I'm trying to help you understand the seriousness of it and understand how thin the ice is you're skating on. I know you think you're in control, I know you think you can just keep keeping on indefinitely. But, you are NOT superman and your garments don't give you supernatural powers. You're a human being and you're fragile. Don't do this to yourself. Don't risk the breaking point - you're closer to it than you have any idea.
"...You're such a good man and your devotion to your family is a beautiful thing. As I've said over and over again from the start, it's this dangerous game you're playing that concerns me. I know how much you ache to be held by another man ... I know how much you want to make love to another man and feel that completeness inside you. Those are very strong feelings and they're never going away. But somehow you've got to find a way to make peace with them before they consume you and cause you to do something foolish and destructive.
"...It's so beautiful loving another man and being loved by him. It's beautiful because it expresses and fulfills the deepest and truest part of who we are as gay men. I wish for you the joy of knowing what it's all about because it really is wonderful beyond words to describe it. I also wish for you the opportunity to know what that feels like in a way that won't destroy anything you've worked so hard to create and maintain."
I have a hard time disagreeing with anything my friend has said. I also don't want to destroy everything that I have worked so hard to create and maintain.
How long can I resist?