Monday, May 01, 2006


In an effort to be a bit more positive, and to show that there are good days along with the 'angst', I decided to write a more upbeat entry.

Spring has sprung in the Rockies and it feels great to get outside and feel alive!

Spring has a very nostalgic feel to it, particularly when the snow is still on the peaks but the flowers are in full bloom and the trees are finally leafing out. The spring scenery, particularly at BYU, triggers the memories of when we were first engaged and taking our engagement pictures on campus, and all the events surrounding our courtship.

I decided to surprise her this weekend and catch her away under false pretenses and with camera and tripod in tow, rekindle some "magic" by recreating those engagement pictures some twenty years later. The sky was perfect, and the snow covered mountains and plump flower beds and blossoming trees all cooperated on cue. The BYU campus never looked better. It was as if the place was spruced up just for us.

We had a lot of fun finding "our spots" and rekindling the magic of so long ago. There have been times, long periods of time, when it hasn't been so magical and I've been pretty aloof. There have been times, long periods of time, when I have been in my 'angst' and she's been shut out and long suffering.

For one day, we were young again, free again, excited to be together again, and to remember that despite my "issues", we were once very much in love and very much excited to create this eternal family. For one day, we were one of those gaggy and disgusting BYU "engagged" couples who were walking on air, oblivious to the thousands of students surrounding us. We kissed openly and often in "our spots" and for one day, we were back again. This was where it all began. The magic was still there for this one day.

So, if I can have it for one day, can I have it forever? Can I hold back my lust and angst for just long enough to make this work? With all I've invested in this relationship, can I really just throw it away or can I hang on and keep it going?

It really was a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, nostalgia is good to help you remember. The scriptures talk about us "remembering" the feelings we had, particularly the feelings of the spirit and whether we can feel them now. I guess that remembering can go both ways, with magical moments with guys as well.

Oh well, for one entry I am going to try to not go there... I am trying to show that I don't always have to be uptight. For one day, I was free to be me again, in love with my wife. She is an amazing, beautiful person and I love her!

I still do!

By the way, how anyone can get anything done at BYU with all those gorgeous guys walking around in their well-fit tee shirts and baggy shorts and sandals is beyond me - how in the heck did I ever graduate from this place???

... oh the beauty of spring!


AttemptingthePath said...

I'm not a student, but i live close to campus. It always happens when I'm on the way to the temple to do baptisms and I see a hot guy jogging with his top off. man, it's hard to deal with.

But Congratulations on rekindling some of the magic with your wife. that's amazing!


Dave Walter said...

Beautiful scenery. And angst-free, too.

Another Other said...

For one day, I was free to be me again, in love with my wife.

That's awesome. My wife and I were actually on campus today, too, as coincidence would have it. And it is beautiful. How refreshing it must have been to feel like yourself again in such a beautiful environment.

I'm enjoying your blog and wish you luck on your journey.

Beck said...

A path:
Thanks for joining the comments. I appreciate your honesty in your blog and facing tough issues at a delicate time as you prepare for your mission. As one who's been there where you are now, my thoughts and prayers are focused on you. Good luck with your "papers" and let me know how it goes...

To Dave and Another Other:
Thanks for following along with what's got to be a pretty lame life. "Free to be me" is a relative term, as I continue to live a double life. But, sometimes, "angst-free" is good.

I think I need more than luck to make this work.

-L- said...

When I set foot on BYU campus for the first time as a freshman, the first thing I saw was one of the most amazing half-naked men ever. I audibly sighed. And realized that there would be many challenges for me. I think things became much worse after I got into porn--it really tends to make you view other human beings as objects. But, what the hell am I doing? This post was your vacation from gay issues.

I'm glad you had a good day, Beck. I'm glad you and your wife continue to enjoy the friendship of a lifetime. Taking such pro-active efforts in fostering it will never be regretted, in my opinion.