Over or under?
I consider myself a man-hug connoisseur. I make myself open to almost anyone for a hug. I've noted this ad nausea before - but, hey, for someone like me in this situation I'm in, it's what I live for.
Often hugs with good friends come long and hard with arms over the top of the shoulders. If one is over, sometimes the other is under, but still around the chest. Or sometimes one is up over one shoulder and under the other matching the other's embrace in a locked pair.
But what about both being under - around the waist - holding tightly together down low?
I was at a wedding yesterday for another dear friend... three in three months of my dear 20-somethings biting the dust. This friend I haven't spoken about here. But, needless to say, he has been very open to my affection and I adore his innocence and sweetness and kindness toward everyone, and especially toward me. I have always been open to him and he has sensed that and reciprocated willingly, sometimes with surprising gusto. But I digress...
After the wedding ceremony, the traditional parade of family and friends filed to the head of the altar to greet the newly formed eternal family, hugging the couple - and as usual, the Mormon hugs of pats and quick embraces (never a duration over 3 seconds - I know - I was watching and consciously counting) proceeded in normal fashion - both family and friends. When I came to Matthew, I was pretty sure it would be different between us. He grabbed me enthusiastically and squeezed me tightly into him. It was the one-arm-up-and-over in combo with the other under-and-around. It had to have been 30 seconds! He didn't let me go. So the harder he squeezed, I reciprocated, his bride staring at us, my wife looking on... and a line of greeters still to come.
And then it happened... right there in the temple, at the altar no less. I started to get excited down under. So, I kissed his neck and broke the hug, said something quickly to the bride, grabbed my wife and left abruptly, a bit red I'm sure.
I don't know if this abstinence thing has anything to do with it, but I was feeling it pretty good and the "volcano" analogy of "doing something stupid" entered my mind... and in the House of the Lord no less. I didn't plan this. I didn't want it... Well, maybe I did, but not there in that place and time.
But it gets weirder... We stayed after for the photos around the temple grounds. For the most part, Matthew was focused on his bride and his family as it should be. But at one point, as the photographer organized her with her siblings, Matthew was freed up and came over and gave me another embrace. He was obviously very happy and sweet, and we hugged intently.
Then, at the wedding breakfast, he was away from her as I came in and we hugged "intently" again, but this time with our arms both low, around our waists. We transitioned from over the top to under and around with both arms, holding ourselves tightly. It just happened as we dropped around each other's waists. By now I was totally confused... this was the third intimate hug.
At the end of the breakfast, my wife went to the bathroom and I found myself with the groom fairly alone at the entry to the restaurant with well-wishers leaving... and for the fourth time, we fell into the embrace again... and again it was definitely both of us under and around the waists. We held our foreheads together, like we were slow dancing as a couple. And it happened again. I allowed myself to kiss him again. I was getting really excited. I backed off and looked up and noted a man (not part of the wedding party) sitting at a bench staring oddly at the two of us. Had he noticed our embrace? He was staring straight at us. Fortunately, my wife arrived in time for us to make a quick exit.
It takes an awful lot of attention and affection for me to "get going" with my wife. At times it works well, and at other times, it takes a lot of work. But with these spontaneous little encounters with my friend on his wedding day, it wasn't work at all. It just happened.
I can't believe I'm sharing this. I feel I need to get this out. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so bottled up inside. If it can be this spontaneous, is that what it should be like for a normal couple? I mean, is this spontaneous reaction what happens to normal married folk? I guess I'm dwelling on just all that I'm struggling with... and how wonderful it feels to be in the arms of another man... even if that man is innocent, sweet, just married, and straight... as all my "men" now are.
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this...