Thursday, July 10, 2008

Everyone knows but me...

I feel very vulnerable and transparent right now. I've come to find out that the facade I've built around myself and my world really isn't all that opaque, but, in fact is quite transparent. Recently, I've revealed things through being too personal on my blog and with email correspondences that has caused me to lose the shroud of anonymity that I've sought to preserve for so long. I've been "found out" and this freaks me out.
And then I get freaked out for being so freaked out about being found out.

I feel like I'm wearing the emperor's new clothes and everyone knows but me that I'm completely naked and no one will tell me so to my face.

I feel like an A&F model who is completely naked though somehow delusionally being told that it's okay as I'm marketing clothing for a clothing store while wearing no clothing.

Or that I'm modeling something hideously silly though being told it looks great...

Am I that transparent?

Why do I cling to anonymity? Why am I still so afraid to be "found out"? I say it is because I don't need to have extra drama in my life, for my wife, for my kids in particular. But is it also for my profession, for my status, for my ego?

What am I so afraid of? What am I so ashamed of?

Maybe I've been too personal - too detailed - too casual. I've done so to be real with myself. I've tried to use the blog as a reflection of what is really going on, with real events and real commentary on those events, emotions, feelings in my life and not just generic commentary on the subject of the day in the news. But maybe I've gone too far... Maybe I should back off... Maybe I should disappear and reappear with "new clothing".

Why didn't anyone tell me before that I wasn't wearing any clothes?

And why do I feel so vulnerable? It's been four years this month since I outed myself to myself. Don't you think after four years I would be okay with this by now?


Kengo Biddles said...

I've gone through it myself, these feelings. Part of me feels like I'm going to go hide, or make a new "persona." And part of me doesn't feel like I will, but rather, just let people find out when/if they will.

And for the record, I don't know when your nudist streak came out, but you were wearing clothes when we had lunch last year... :)

Beck said...

You're right... I should just shrug it off and let people find out when / if they will.

What am I afraid of? It's no big deal, right? Defensively, I just don't want anyone hurt and I guess I'm still scared of being nude in public.

Thanks for noting that I was wearing clothes... you never can be too sure! :)

Damon said...

Hi Beck,

I never realized you were being so transparent. What do you mean you've been discovered?

I think you've chosen one of the best possible ways to handle accepting yourself and relating to others with similarities.

Perhaps you prefer anonimity because it's safe or at least it feels safe. Revealing this unique part of yourself, which you only recently discovered, can be much like baring your whole soul. It takes a lot of trust that someone won't abuse what you share with them.

I can understand the necessity to protect your family. Being gay and married and LDS is such an unusual and difficult situation to be placed in.

When you realize that someone has known your "secret" that you've struggled to protect I think you often feel naked. When I came out and most of my friends and family were like, "ya we know" I was really shocked. I had been struggling to keep this a secret for so long and they all knew anyway!

Don't worry, you do get used to being naked. :)


Abelard Enigma said...

Um, those are some risque images you attached - have you fallen off the wagon from your abstinence mode? I'm not judging, I rather enjoyed them. But, then your comment on Foresters blog - let's just say I'm concerned.

Beck said...

"...When I came out and most of my friends and family were like, "ya we know" I was really shocked..."

I've heard this described time and time again, but as much as it softens the blow, it still is hard to believe when you think you're the best kept secretkeeper around. Yes, it makes you feel naked.

Beck said...

ABE: Yes, I fell off the wagon... I'm not perfect. I've let you down and let me down.

"let's just say I'm concerned." I appreciate that, but don't worry - I didn't go find a boytoy and do the deed in the hotel room on the road this week... but, I did fall off the wagon when I hit a bump in the road... Maybe I'll blog about it later.

Right now, feeling exposed, I don't know how much detail to share. Instead of specifics, wouldn't you prefer generalities? After all, that's what being "found out" does to one's ability to be real.

And, yeah, I guess the graphics are over-the-top, but I feel over-the-top right now.

Kengo Biddles said...

I've struggled with that, Beck. My sister-in-law reads my blog, and now I feel like I should be more the same time, I feel like "damn the consequences" so that I can just VENT. Dunno. It's tough

Anonymous said...


I know how you feel. I've wanted to start a blog of my own to record my feelings... but that fear of being "discovered" somehow prevents me (or maybe i'm just too lazy to actually keep one up...) Its easier, at least for me, to be more honest with complete strangers than it is to be honest with people I actually know. But I'm usually to analytical and take things really personal. I would hate to know what some people think of me, so if I think I know what they are thinking, and those thoughts are negative, I feel like i've let them or myself down. (wow, that was quite the sentence... maybe THAT's why I don't have a blog... no one would understand it.) I think in a culture such as the LDS one, its hard to be completely candid with same gender attraction because of the stigma that comes along with it. I feel like I would be a failure in the community for something I had little to do with... does that make sense?

Anyway... I don't know why we are so afraid of being exposed. Maybe we just want to avoid being judged by others.

Oh, and sorry to hear about your relapse. But don't worry, you can be proud of the time you lasted.

Silver said...

I wonder how much our blogs get noticed. Outside of our MoHo circle, do the public at large even know we exist? I was worried once what other people thought of me (not just once, I always worry about that) but, my wife said, "what makes you think other people spend their time thinking about you? You aren't that damned important". That was a slap in the face.

So, do they really take notice? Do they really know what we blog about? Or, are we all just walking around naked and nobody really notices because we are this closed community that nobody else really is aware of....

Am I taking this big chance of being "outed" by being in the public domain? I worry about it but, if someone guesses, will they be shocked? Maybe not.

I had a friend who's sister became pregnant out of wedlock. She was keeping it a big secret until she found the courage to tell the family. They knew her so well that they all had guessed at that point. It wasn't a shock at all. I wonder if my kids already know. On some level, I think they do.

Beck said...

ZACHARY said: "...THAT's why I don't have a blog... no one would understand it.)"

I disagree! We, this group of misfit toys would understand your blog and would benefit from it. You are insightful and need a voice ever as much as I do. I suggest you reconsider NOT blogging and open up here among those of us who DO understand.

"...I think in a culture such as the LDS one, its hard to be completely candid with same gender attraction because of the stigma that comes along with it. I feel like I would be a failure in the community for something I had little to do with... does that make sense?"

Yes it does make sense and that fear of the stigma and the drama of the perceived failure keep me back from being forthright and open and out there... and because I'm not, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy and here I am afraid of my own shadow of someone knowing - truly knowing in the flesh - my inner thoughts.

And it perpetuates to the point that the community at large continues the stigma and unknowingly feeds the fear for we don't give voice to our thoughts and feelings.

Beck said...

SILVER said: "what makes you think other people spend their time thinking about you? You aren't that damned important".

Thanks for the slap in the face. I needed that!

I'm not that important and the world at large really doesn't care or even notice this little community and so what's to worry. All of the good that comes from blogging is more beneficial to helping me to sort things out than any of the negatives of being "found out". I'm not that important and the world doesn't really care - so I should get over it and just be me and to hell with anyone who can't accept that!

Thanks for the slap. :)

But, I still feel naked...

Silver said...

Dude, you are naked. We all are when we enter the queerosphere. We leave safety behind and put it all out there flappin in the breeze:)

It's not easy to be authentic. We all have fears and hurts from our past. I was scared to death of other men and walked around for years looking at my feet. It was hard to look another man in the eye. I was afraid of getting hurt again. Not totally afraid but, I wasn't functioning well.

I salute and honor all the men who take this risk. My life is better since I did and the funny thing is, I haven't really been betrayed or shamed for doing so. I take chances by being myself, telling my truth and almost without exception I am loved and supported in these circles because, I'm among friends who understand me and walk with me.

Would I be that honest in my Ward or my neighborhood? Hell no! They don't have the background and the compassion to understand it. It takes effort and a lot of time for them to be understanding of a "Homo". The stereotypes and stigma are far too strong. I wouldn't recommend that anyone get that honest. We need to be protective, wise and cautious with who we tell. I'm just grateful that we have the blogosphere and groups online and in person to talk with real people who do accept and undertand us, and occasionally give great hugs too!

Beck, I never said YOU "weren't that damned important". My wife told ME that! I'm sure you are far more important than me :)

Anonymous said...

silver: "On some level, I think they do"

and when "they" have assimilated this knowledge (if ever they do so), they will come to us.

the closet door can be opened from either side

Beck said...

"the closet door can be opened from either side..."

especially if you were stupid enought to leave the key on your blog for everyone to take and unlock your closet door!