I don't know if anyone really follows this blog anymore, and that's okay as it never was intended to be for a "following" in the first place - all it really is, is for me to have my own sounding board to discuss with myself issues that I cannot discuss anywhere else...
but I really need some outside counsel.
It has been 76 days now (yes, I'm actually counting - does that mean something?) since I have looked at any website of any kind (G, PG, R, etc.), not even swimming suit ads, nor artistic photo sites, and no YouTube (which started the whole thing in the first place with my son finding me watching PG scenes of guys kissing), and at least that long since having downloaded anything of any kind, and that long since deleting past downloads (of pretty tame stuff I must point out). I thought after I had passed the 2 month barrier I was home free and beyond this. I was okay... (not that I really wasn't okay before - but I didn't want to confuse my family and add difficulty to an already difficult family situation - particularly with regards to my son - who by the way is fine and hasn't made any reference to that situation since then).
But I'm not okay.
I saw that Abelard posted today... and I love Abelard and all that he offers to this community. He is kind and sensitive and caring to everyone. He has become a dear and special friend. He innocently has posted a humorous ad from YouTube that I found quite amusing. It wasn't the ad... it was the YouTube links that are given at the end at the bottom as the mouse is allowed to scroll on by... I saw the one of "gay couple hottest kiss"... and just froze. I wanted to click on it and see what it was.
It's that proverbial hook.
But I didn't bite and I haven't... but the point is - I want to... and this is so stupid... I thought I was beyond this. I thought I had moved on! But come to find out, I haven't moved on at all. I've just stopped. Nothing has changed. I've just stopped.
Again, nothing happened... but I feel so conflicted inside. Even after all this time and fooling myself into thinking that all is well and I'm in control and things are cool.
I didn't click on it. I know that if I do, it will be the door opening all over again and I'm not going to do that... I have promised myself and my family that I'm not going to do that.
So, with such resolve and commitment to the promises I've made, why do I remain here feeling so conflicted? so confused? so self-loathing?
I'm really tired of the fight. I'm just really tired...of fighting...