"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."
-- 1 John 1: 8-10
I have sinned. I have fallen off the wagon. I am not perfect. I have failed in my attempt to be perfect.
I do not feel it appropriate to share details of the nature of my "sins", but suffice it to say that I was on the road this week, alone, in a hotel in an out-of -state city. It is not good to be alone, especially with confusing hormones raging like a teenager. I have slipped up, have done some stupid and silly things, have lost part of my resolve, and have indulged in vain and frivolous things. I may be excused, some may say, because I should never have tried to go "cold turkey" or to have made a resolution that was all or nothing, knowing that someday I would fail and fall (even though the "cold turkey" approach was my immediate reaction to a situation where I felt if I continued on the path I was on, I would lose everything I had, but most especially the love and affection and relationship of my wife, and particularly of my son). I may be excused, others may say, because of my attractions that have bubbled up in recent days like the volcano ready to erupt, and such things are bound to happen for a gay married Mormon guy so closeted and closed off of any possible way of letting off the building pressure and steam. If I keep such a tight grip on the lid and don't give myself any slack, I'm certain to explode.
Others may be disappointed that I fell, that I lost my resolve, and that I'm not living up to my potential or the example I make myself out to be. They may find my recent arousals and subsequent ventures into self-pleasure as not heeding the warning signs of too intimate of touch, or of allowing curiosity to get the best of me.
Others still, may see this as a bunch of crap and that I'm choosing to live a life of self-imposed conflict, confusion and delusional dishonesty - in other words, a life that is "so 18th Century! I mean, really, why would anyone choose to live like that?"
All I can say is that I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I'm not the poster-child of the MOHO MOMs. I never set out to be an example with any special knowledge. I've been very honest in my shortcomings, immaturity, and lack of progression. Maybe I've been too honest, as to cloud my thinking and blur my vision, obstructing me from seeing correctly the amount of progress I have truly made, and the amount of integrity I still have in my possession despite all this angst and confusion. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have been given - no, it's more than that - what I have been blessed with. I refuse to tear down or throw away that which I have created, including marriage and kids, church and testimony. It's been too long down this particular road. I'm too committed. I can't turn back. But I also refuse to throw away these other parts that are very much a part of who I am and still need exploring - they are poorly understood and very confusing to me - still after this 4 year journey now of open dialogue with myself about these parts of me - these parts that long to be loved, understood, sexually complete. I thought I would figure them out after 4 years - or nearly five decades for that matter. Come to find out, I still am not the master of my universe, for they master me.
If you are proud of me that I've sinned, that I've allowed myself to break for a moment from my 18th Century existence, please understand that I am not proud. If you are saddened by my lack of resolve, please understand that I am not saddened.
I just am...
P.S. Don't misread my comments here. I am by no means equating "being gay" with "sin". Nor am I equating my "attractions" with "sin". In the last 4 years of coming to terms with these feelings within myself, I have at least come to realize the fallacy of such equations!