I realize now that my journey into cold-turkey abstinence from all things gay (including PG websites, underwear ads, swimming competitions etc. all those really "hard-core stuff" - get the picture?) wasn't the right thing to do. Though my motives were to be more sensitive to my kids and respectful to my marriage, it was an over-reaction... something I'm very good at. I was uptight, angsty, uneasy, and difficult to be around. Not the "cleansing" I expected.
I've tried (since falling off the wagon) to still limit my viewing pleasures and to cut way back on downloads... not a perfect path, but maybe a more manageable one, seeing that I'm not perfect.
So, I've decided to take up something in its place that will keep me occupied and productive... I've started a weightlifting / strength-training program. Now, don't laugh at me! This is very new and different and I feel awkward and stupid. But I have a home gym and some weights that I have seldom used and I'm getting into a morning ritual of working out a bit.
Now, if you knew me, you'd know how foreign this is to me. I was always intimidated by the jocks and the athletes at school who were always so much bigger and stronger than I was. That intimidation has extended well into my adulthood. I still feel very weak, and scrawny and skinny and inferior. I would rather be strung up a flag-pole with only my underwear on, or be found dead in a back alley than be found in a weight room. Gyms of any kind, including the mall-type fitness centers still give me the chills. Locker rooms make me want to vomit, remembering past experiences of abuse in those testosterone dens. Even though I know I could catch some beautiful eye-candy in the flesh, I just won't go to gyms. They just are too intimidating and I feel so out-of-place I get sick thinking about it.
So, like I said, don't laugh...
But, after a couple of weeks, I really am enjoying it. I'm starting slow and I don't have a lot of time, but just a little bit every day has helped me to feel better about myself. I enjoy the pump, and I enjoy the feeling of muscles burning. I'm still weak and scrawny and skinny and inferior, but I see progress already.
I'm not really doing this for my health's sake. I'm not that committed. It's all for vanity, for self-confidence, and for staying away from the computer at down-times. Aren't those good enough motives? I'm not after getting big, but if I could be more "normal sized" and look younger and be stronger and more confident and LIKE MYSELF a bit more, then maybe there are benefits to this new goal.
Maybe someday I'll be willing to take my shirt off at the beach and not be embarrassed... this 40-something may still have something to show after all.
I feel vulnerable and stupid for sharing such a "teenager" type post, but it feels good, and it's what's happening - so deal with it and don't make fun of me - give me a little encouragement!
BTW, does anyone know where I can get some 'roids? :)