So it's been three years. Am I any different? How have things changed? For the better or for worse? I'll leave those to be dealt with in the next post in this series...
But, an odd thing happened this post-Christmas week that is related directly to this quest for self-reflection at year's end:
Over the course of the last couple of days I've been visited twice (separate and unrelated) by Tim and Will (my two boy-toy heart throbs, if you will, who started the whole "coming to terms" with my attraction issues and eventually opening up about them to myself and to my wife).
It's a coincidence that:
1. each of them came to me of their own will and accord (I did not solicit or even invite such meetings) at my home office,
2. each of them sought out their "old mate" to have a "chat" and to get updated with me over the holidays (seeing that we don't see each other much anymore as both are away to school otherwise),
3. each of them have nearly-engaged fiancees and are planning weddings in the near future,
4. each of them came to discuss the complications and intricacies of the female relationship and the path that leads to marital bliss - um..yes, they came to me, the ol' gay guy, their mate hug-buddy who is such an expert at marriage,
5. each of them stayed over 2-1/2 hours discussing their lives with me - and yet it seemed like only a few precious minutes,
6. each of them confessed their love for me and I for them,
7. each "chat in the flesh" session ended affectionately with our famous hugs-and-kisses scene at the door (need I rehearse the familiarity and beauty of the magic of that sense of touch???).
Now, I personally find it interesting enough that these two guys (who, though they may not know entirely, started it all in waking up my internal volcano, and who independently nearly ended my marriage in divorce three years ago!) are still around, actively in my life, anxious for our relationship to continue and to grow and to be reinforced.
But, the really interesting part is that Tim and Will both came to my house and in both cases, my wife came down and saw us together (talking) and she was very friendly, interested in their lives and not upset that they were with me. And, to further confuse the situation, she never said one thing to me about them coming over (nor the odd coincident of two occasions on top of each other like that), whether I had called them, if I knew they were home for the holidays, whether I arranged to meet them etc. etc. In fact, she hasn't brought them up at all in any subsequent conversations with me. Now, that is what is freaking me out - for you see - Tim and Will are symbols of all that I desire that she can't offer me - and thus, they are a source, a huge source of frustration and jealousy in our marriage. In the last couple of years, even mentioning their names, or encountering them at church, or heaven-for-bid at home, was ammunition for interrogations - questioning my motives and not seeing how painful and hurtful it is to have them still in my life after all that I've confessed that I feel toward them.
And now - nothing - no interrogation at all. Instead, polite pleasantries that are truly sincere. What is going on here? Is she planning the big ax to drop on me in my sleep? Or has she changed and come around to see that these "boyfriends" of mine are just that - friends - friends that are boys (dang cute boys I might add :)) that I need in a special, unique sort of coming-to-terms-with-being-gay-and-married way - and yet not in a way to destroy my marriage, love and loyalty to her? In other words, after dropping the bomb on her that I'm gay and "out" (at least to ourselves), I've suspected that she's anticipated the next bomb dropping that "oh by the way... I've got a boyfriend and I'm leaving you for him" announcement. And, since that second bomb has never come, is it possible to think that she is beginning to trust me? Can she believe that despite my attractions to these boys (that are a strong as ever, if not stronger), I'm still hers and am not going any place? Can she possibly be viewing them no longer as a threat to her and to our marriage? Can she be beginning to accept me for who I am?
to be continued...