I think I need to clarify something from my last post...
As I've had a few days to think about it, my feelings I'm feeling about what my wife said and thinks isn't necessarily "hurt" as it is "disappointment". I'm disappointed that after nearly three years of being more "open" about the situation, we have not ventured much past the common notion of any distinction between "gay feelings" and embracing the "gay way".
And as I'm concluding here, this disappointment has more to do with ME than with HER because I have not helped her, or educated her on the distinction, but I've refused to articulate it better. I need to do a better job at this communication gig. This is my responsibility. As I learn and grow and accept, I need to invite her to understand the same thing.
Over the course of many years now, I've had all this time to really take a good look at myself, and to study myself, to reflect on the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. I've had time to think and meditate and pray and fast and find comfort in the Lord and find comfort in that acceptance of Love from the Lord and from myself. I've grown from self-hatred to self-acceptance. I've been able to make a distinction. She has not had these years of contemplation and, even now, is willing to put them "out of sight / out of mind" as they are too painful to deal with. Contemplating that her husband has very strong attractions for other men, and that despite all of her efforts to love and be attractive and provocative, he remains attracted to other men, is something that destroys her self-esteem, self-worth and image as a woman. As much as she tries to wrap her brain around this concept, in her world, in her mind, it is too incomprehensible. To blame her for her reaction or how she's coping is unfair and unjust. I am not here to do that. She is wonderfully sensitive to my needs and hopes and dreams and desires and I don't want to portray it otherwise.
But to expect her to be "up to speed" with me, isn't her fault, it's mine. I need to bring her along carefully and lovingly.
This is not easy. In fact, it's damn hard!
But in the end, I'm convinced it is the right thing to do!