There's nothing like a good ol' trial to set your reflections in a corrected direction and re-evaluate your priorities... This particular trial isn't my own. But as I watch a dear loved one suffer so intensely, to feel no connection with anyone or anything, to lose perspective of anything beautiful (even losing the sense of color), to have no hope, and to desire death over life - it really makes you think...
My heart tonight is hurting. I feel so helpless. I don't know quite what to do... to connect with this dear loved one and restore hope.
You know, these things I write about in this little blog of mine are really pretty silly. They are my foolish gay adolescent thoughts and fantasies, my infatuations and crushes, my foibles and follies. In reality, what my dear loved one is going through makes my little angsts seem so insignificant and irrelevant.
What really is important is family!
What really is important is love, and feeling loved, enough to want to live!
What really is important is connection with others, with each other!
So many people over the course of time have disconnected with this dear loved one. So many gospel-centered / Holy-Ghost-companioned folks have missed the boat and not seen the pain and suffering of a child of God in front of their eyes and have either allowed themselves to be spiritually tuned out and blind to the situation before them, or their not knowing what to do has paralyzed their actions to the point of no-action. We're embarrassed and feel uncomfortable. It's not easy to reach out. We second guess our natural instincts to help. Or even worse, we don't like the uncomfortable feelings we get around unhappy people so we talk about them and gossip and even "turn them in to the Honor Code Violations office" because they scare us and we'd rather they just go away!
These misconnections and disconnections we have with people can add up to life-threatening outcomes of whether the one really hurting and suffering even cares to take that next breath.
I believe in life. I believe in family. I believe in hope. But, we can't do this alone. As parents of children, we do all that we can, and it's not enough. We fall short. We need the fellowship of the Saints, the love of each other to fill in the gaps.
So I have this little attraction issue going on... big deal!! I still have my wife, my family, my testimony (yes, for those who really haven't read between the lines- and I apologize if I've hidden my candle too far under the bushel - may I declare emphatically that I have a testimony!), and my hope. I also have this community. This community of MOHO saints is of value to me because it brings me connectivity to others who understand me in a way that I have found nowhere else - and that brings me hope.
I know of someone tonight who hears nothing but voices bouncing inside declaring with convincing anger that there is no hope, to the point of wanting to stop living and they are doing everything in their power to make it happen.
No one is to blame for this... unless we "see" the need of that someone and choose to do nothing about it... Please remember that you can be the Lord's hands in lifting someone who feels that there is no way to be lifted. Please don't be afraid to do something for someone when you are prompted to do so. Listen to those little promptings in your head - you never know what your smile, your kindness, your tenderness and care can mean to someone feeling so lost and alone.
Please remember to connect!