Thursday, November 08, 2007


There's nothing like a good ol' trial to set your reflections in a corrected direction and re-evaluate your priorities... This particular trial isn't my own. But as I watch a dear loved one suffer so intensely, to feel no connection with anyone or anything, to lose perspective of anything beautiful (even losing the sense of color), to have no hope, and to desire death over life - it really makes you think...

My heart tonight is hurting. I feel so helpless. I don't know quite what to do... to connect with this dear loved one and restore hope.

You know, these things I write about in this little blog of mine are really pretty silly. They are my foolish gay adolescent thoughts and fantasies, my infatuations and crushes, my foibles and follies. In reality, what my dear loved one is going through makes my little angsts seem so insignificant and irrelevant.

What really is important is family!

What really is important is love, and feeling loved, enough to want to live!

What really is important is connection with others, with each other!

So many people over the course of time have disconnected with this dear loved one. So many gospel-centered / Holy-Ghost-companioned folks have missed the boat and not seen the pain and suffering of a child of God in front of their eyes and have either allowed themselves to be spiritually tuned out and blind to the situation before them, or their not knowing what to do has paralyzed their actions to the point of no-action. We're embarrassed and feel uncomfortable. It's not easy to reach out. We second guess our natural instincts to help. Or even worse, we don't like the uncomfortable feelings we get around unhappy people so we talk about them and gossip and even "turn them in to the Honor Code Violations office" because they scare us and we'd rather they just go away!
These misconnections and disconnections we have with people can add up to life-threatening outcomes of whether the one really hurting and suffering even cares to take that next breath.

I believe in life. I believe in family. I believe in hope. But, we can't do this alone. As parents of children, we do all that we can, and it's not enough. We fall short. We need the fellowship of the Saints, the love of each other to fill in the gaps.

So I have this little attraction issue going on... big deal!! I still have my wife, my family, my testimony (yes, for those who really haven't read between the lines- and I apologize if I've hidden my candle too far under the bushel - may I declare emphatically that I have a testimony!), and my hope. I also have this community. This community of MOHO saints is of value to me because it brings me connectivity to others who understand me in a way that I have found nowhere else - and that brings me hope.

I know of someone tonight who hears nothing but voices bouncing inside declaring with convincing anger that there is no hope, to the point of wanting to stop living and they are doing everything in their power to make it happen.

No one is to blame for this... unless we "see" the need of that someone and choose to do nothing about it... Please remember that you can be the Lord's hands in lifting someone who feels that there is no way to be lifted. Please don't be afraid to do something for someone when you are prompted to do so. Listen to those little promptings in your head - you never know what your smile, your kindness, your tenderness and care can mean to someone feeling so lost and alone.

Please remember to connect!


Ron Schow said...

My heart goes out to your loved one. As you say, when someone is experiencing major suffering, it helps the rest of us realize that some of our irritations and disappointments in life are really pretty minor issues.

GeckoMan said...

I never doubted your testimony. We live in dualistic worlds, and reconciling these distractions to a position of understanding is what we're all about in the bloggosphere.

I'm sure your struggles have sharpened the empathy that is evident in this post. I hope you are able to do something of comfort for your family member.

J G-W said...

Beck -- as you know, I too am in the midst of a real life-and-death crisis with very close friends. I too haven't felt free to blog about it or share details. But it is painful to see crisis and suffering in friends who mean everything to you, and be helpless to do much anything but "be there." Though I suppose "being there" is no small thing. As you say in this post, connectivity is everything.

I value my connection to you, I hope you know that. Gecko is right: the dualistic world we live in threatens to divide where there should be no division. We can't bridge those divides ourselves. Only the Holy Spirit can help us do that. That's where testimony comes in and is so, so valuable.

Peace be with you, friend.

David said...

Hey...I don't think I've commented on your blog before, I'm kind of new to the whole moho community. This post really hit home because, even though I'm not to the point that your friend is at, I'm headed there if something doesn't change. I can't seem to hold on to the things that matter. I'm not looking for sympathy here, but rather just reiterating that connections do matter, no matter how small.

Forester said...

This is so true. My struggles with SGA are nothing compared to the suffering of so many. Right now, my depression is a much greater problem. I too enjoy the support I have received from all of you. I'm so grateful for this community.

Beck said...

Ron, Gecko and John: Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. This is a particularly unique and difficult time in our family. I appreciate you reaching out to me. I must learn from this to always reach out to others, especially when prompted to do so. How many times have I been pricked or prompted to do something for someone and then allowed myself to talk myself out of doing anything? How many times have I been that "angel of mercy" for someone and not done it? It really makes you think when you see the tables reversed and wish someone could be an "angel of mercy" for your loved one.

Beck said...

David: Thank you for sharing your comments and posting on my blog. I love to discover new people in this community. You mention that you are suffering. What can I do for you? How can I (and others)reach out to help you? There are many in this community that can offer support with a variety of backgrounds and situations. Please let me be a source of support for you.

Beck said...

Forester: I admire and am encouraged by your attitude, testimony and convictions you personify! You are a source of strength to me. I am sorry for the sufferings caused by depression. My "loved one" suffers from depression among other things. I don't understand it, but I see the impact it has on destroying one's will to live.

We need to be aware of each other. We need to be a source of strength to each other. Please help me to help you better. My prayers are with you as you seek comfort and sustaining influences during these difficult times.

Scot said...

That was beautiful, Beck.

I don't understand it, but I see the impact it has on destroying one's will to live.

I think I posted on this predicament a while ago. It’s tough to help a person you love fight what you can’t see. My heart goes out to your loved one and yourself.

elbow said...

YES!!! Connection and the ability and strength and experience of connecting with someone with family, friends, relationships, people, and even strangers is the key to being whole. We are not an island, and to connect with someone is the feeling of being alive. You've done that for me on countless occasions and I love you for it! You're amazing, Beck.

Neal said...

Thanks Beck! I needed to read those words today.