Monday, November 05, 2007

The workings of a stressed mind...

I'm really going through some interesting times right now:

1. I've had a critical employee quit on me, leaving me with more work than I can handle, with more work coming in on two large jobs that I just landed, and no real way to climb out of the hole I've created. Needless to say, it is stressful to be "all alone at the top". Now, in my case there isn't a whole lot of difference between the top and the bottom when you're self-employed. :)

2. More importantly, my family is going through some serious and difficult times. I really have tried to keep these issues outside this blog. The family issues are separate from this blog theme - and yet, right now they are really inter-related. One member in particular is really suffering some tremendous personal trials of a physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual nature. It is not a fun time and I feel so helpless, so unable to assist where I should but can't. Needless to say, it is stressful on the home front, which just adds to normal life pressures. I can offer advice, I can counsel, I can give a blessing, I can be of comfort and support, I can give my love - but in this particular case, all these things seem to come up short, even empty. I know it is a time for much "prayer and fasting", but it is also a time for the professionals. If you know me, this is a big step to recognize the need for "professionals" to help, particularly when I've been so leery and distant from receiving any personal professional help with my coping with my attraction dimension of my life. But now I feel helpless and frustrated.

3. And right when I should be an anchor of support and stability, of sound reason and spiritual strength, I feel myself entering a mini (yet intense) "pon farr" (to steal the term from Abelard- and if you don't know the meaning, then ask him because I'm not able to explain the Vulcan mating cycle). All day today I am obsessed with things that are distracting me from work, family, the spirit... I am drawn to the need to "kiss-a-guy" thoughts, to the point of insanity! This is so absurd. Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to? I mean, it's to the point that I want to go to my "other apartment" where I "keep" my boyfriend.

It reminds me of the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's" where George Peppard is "kept" by Patricia O'Neal. For a long time I couldn't figure out their relationship, until I realized how perfect it would be to "keep" someone. So my pon farr thoughts have been concentrating on what it would be like to "keep" a boyfriend for emotional and physical gratification when needed. I would get what I need when I need it and he would have an apartment and expense account for what he needed. We'd both benefit, both using each other in some kind of odd symbiotic relationship.

I don't know... I know this post is stupid, but I'm trying to be real in my thoughts even if they are stupid and even if I show my weaknesses and foibles. It's got to be the mini- pon farr, right? Or is it the stress? Or is it both?

Either way, is there anyone out there who wants to be "kept"?


playasinmar said...

Cool. Looks like we're back to needlessly provoking L. :P

As for "keep lest you be kept." I dunno. Either sounds like it would be nice.

Kengo Biddles said...

I think it's both the pon-farr and the stress. Heaven knows mine seem to go hand in hand. I sent you a private message, as well, Beck-ster. :)

Beck said...

PLAYA: Now don't go off and get me "in trouble" again! There is no gratuitous skin (IMHO) but simply an illustration (as always) provoking thoughts of pon-farr.

As for being "kept" - are you up to the task at hand? :)

KENGO: I don't know whether it is conforting to know one is not the only one where pon-farr and stress go hand-in-hand. I guess I'm wondering why this is the case. How come such urges increase under moments of increased stress?

Scot said...

“Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to?”

Heck, that one’s easy. Just a little copy and paste and…

“these thoughts [are] overwhelming me [because] I have such serious other matters to attend to.”

It seems to me stress often breeds stress.

I would get what I need when I need it and he would have an apartment and expense account for what he needed. We'd both benefit, both using each other in some kind of odd symbiotic relationship.

As I’ve stated before, I’ve known a couple of such arrangements; I’ve even known them where the wife knows all about the kept man. Heck, right in my kid’s school there’s a parent pretty high up in the LDS church, and his boyfriend will sometimes even pick up his kids. But I just don’t see such ending in anything but tears, and I’d not think on it as a robust solution.

I mean, it’d be so hard to trust someone with that part of your self if they take it on for an apartment and an expense account, right? And how far past a release would it really satisfy if they had to be kept at that distance? I really don’t know, but if you “keep” a person, I’d imagine you never really get them. To me it just kind of sounds like trading one battle front for two…

Unless, that is, Playasinmar is game, and then I’d wager his humor could smooth over all those potential problems ;-).

GeckoMan said...

I wish I could be 'kept.' Someone to coddle me (cuddle, too). Someone to pay my bills. Ha! Yeah, right.

Dream on, dear Beck. Take a hike. View life from a mountaintop. Then go take a cold shower. . . by yourself (or maybe with your wife)!

Beck said...

SCOT: You may have mentioned the guy with the "kept" boyfriend before, but I may have forgotten. I can't imagine such a thing would work in anything but a fantasy world of movies, but... it is a thought... :)

GECKO: A guy can dream, can't he? :)

MoHoHawaii said...

Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to?

Hmm.... when I am weighed down by vexing real-life family and business problems, I think about getting more fiber in my diet and rebalancing my 401(k) investments. Don't know about you.

NOT! I have the weirdest escapist fantasies you can imagine, like selling it all and living on the beach as a surfing instructor. (I don't surf.)

I think you should let your fantasy life be what it is. You're under stress. It's not like you're going to indulge your daydreams anytime soon, so give yourself a break. Almost everyone needs an active fantasy life to stay sane.

Good luck with the family and work problems, however. These sound tough.

GeckoMan said...

Like I said, Beck, dream on! But it never hurts to seek a different or possibly higher perspective.

I'm with Moho, I hope things smooth out and your stress factors at home and with work can find a catalyst for getting over the hump and through the problems. Just get started on the tough jobs, don't procrastinate, and hopefully you'll find some satisfaction in it.

playasinmar said...

Did Scot just try to hook us up?!

Beck said...

Playa: I think he did! Are you game?

J G-W said...

Beck - So sorry to hear about the stress. It just makes me wish for MY recurrent fantasy: a gay ward where we're all members and can give each other big hugs EVERY Sunday.

MoHoHawaii said...

Ooooooh John, you read my mind. I want you to be the bishop of the first gay ward. I'd be happy to come every Sunday if you were.

Seriously, I've had this little fantasy going through my head for a few days now about an LGBT ward. Can you even imagine how good the congregational hymns would sound? What about the quality of the choir? And the talks would be great, too. I swear I'd overcome the little obstacle of belief if I could go to that ward.

In my fantasy, everyone would be welcome no matter what their state of belief or couplehood was.

OK, now back to our regular programming.

Kengo Biddles said...

Scot, you're such a Yenta!

I know for me that when I pair up stress and fantasizing/acting out, it's often a subconscious desire for comfort.