I'm really going through some interesting times right now:
1. I've had a critical employee quit on me, leaving me with more work than I can handle, with more work coming in on two large jobs that I just landed, and no real way to climb out of the hole I've created. Needless to say, it is stressful to be "all alone at the top". Now, in my case there isn't a whole lot of difference between the top and the bottom when you're self-employed. :)
2. More importantly, my family is going through some serious and difficult times. I really have tried to keep these issues outside this blog. The family issues are separate from this blog theme - and yet, right now they are really inter-related. One member in particular is really suffering some tremendous personal trials of a physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual nature. It is not a fun time and I feel so helpless, so unable to assist where I should but can't. Needless to say, it is stressful on the home front, which just adds to normal life pressures. I can offer advice, I can counsel, I can give a blessing, I can be of comfort and support, I can give my love - but in this particular case, all these things seem to come up short, even empty. I know it is a time for much "prayer and fasting", but it is also a time for the professionals. If you know me, this is a big step to recognize the need for "professionals" to help, particularly when I've been so leery and distant from receiving any personal professional help with my coping with my attraction dimension of my life. But now I feel helpless and frustrated.
3. And right when I should be an anchor of support and stability, of sound reason and spiritual strength, I feel myself entering a mini (yet intense) "pon farr" (to steal the term from Abelard- and if you don't know the meaning, then ask him because I'm not able to explain the Vulcan mating cycle). All day today I am obsessed with things that are distracting me from work, family, the spirit... I am drawn to the need to "kiss-a-guy" thoughts, to the point of insanity! This is so absurd. Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to? I mean, it's to the point that I want to go to my "other apartment" where I "keep" my boyfriend.
It reminds me of the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's" where George Peppard is "kept" by Patricia O'Neal. For a long time I couldn't figure out their relationship, until I realized how perfect it would be to "keep" someone. So my pon farr thoughts have been concentrating on what it would be like to "keep" a boyfriend for emotional and physical gratification when needed. I would get what I need when I need it and he would have an apartment and expense account for what he needed. We'd both benefit, both using each other in some kind of odd symbiotic relationship.
I don't know... I know this post is stupid, but I'm trying to be real in my thoughts even if they are stupid and even if I show my weaknesses and foibles. It's got to be the mini- pon farr, right? Or is it the stress? Or is it both?
Either way, is there anyone out there who wants to be "kept"?