Friday, November 16, 2007


How do you wish your will on someone else? Should you? Is that even something that is right to do?

How do you will someone to live? How do you rekindle a desire to eat? to breathe? When the body has decided to shut down and no longer processes normal things such as thoughts and food and air, can it be retaught to care, to function, to live?

How do you restore hope that has been shattered? Once hope has been lost, can it be found?

How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved? How can you offer yourself to someone that won't receive you?

What do you wish for someone?

What do you live for?

What do you hope for?

What makes you want to get up each day and eat, and breathe, and live?

What keeps you loving when you don't get love in return?

I don't mean to be down, but this road we are on in our family is a long discouraging one. It's draining. It's fatiguing. It's frustrating. I want things to be better now, not later. I want solutions and actions, not indecision and apathy. I don't want two steps forward and one-and-a-half back.

I have no answers. Do you?
I want lots of things that I can't have.
I'm sorry to be negative and consumed in my own world here (of course that is what all blogs are for, no?) I promise to get back soon to my own angsty self-centered Beck posts.


J G-W said...

Beck, so sorry to hear that this agony continues. I wish there was more I could offer you than love and well wishes and prayers. Hang in there.

playasinmar said...

The best advice anyone could give you: charter a plane and spend the afternoon learning how to sky dive.

Beck said...

J G-W: This agony looks to continue for some time. Sometimes changes are not so quickly made.

PLAYA: Skydiving, I must admit, is not something I have thought of doing. Yet, not out of question. I hate small planes... they make me dive for the barfbag with the first sign of turbulence... but such activities may free my mind of current concerns.

I need to get away.

Beck said...

BTW John, I don't mean to belittle or overlook your offerings of love, well wishes and prayers. They are exactly what we all need for each other to keep hangin' tough! Thanks for your thoughts in my and my family's behalf.

Neal said...

When my father was dying - laying there in a coma - the doctor told our family he could probably still hear us. Evidently that's the last of the body's senses to go. We could never really tell for sure, as there were no outward sign of acknowledgement, but we believed the doctor was right. So, we all stood around his bed as a family and swapped stories. We talked about all the fun times we experienced together, all the sacred times, the things we loved most about my dad, and the things he had taught us. He passed away 24 hours later, with all of us there around him - telling him we loved him to the very last minute.

Perhaps your loved one is somewhat like my dad. Maybe they are emotionally or spiritually not present - in a coma if you will - but maybe they can still hear. So, just keep talking.

I'm praying for you and yours.


playasinmar said...

Yeah! Get away. Just for a single afternoon of adventure. Everyone needs a change of scenery to clear the mind.