Do you believe in them? Or are you one of those that believes "everything has a purpose"?
As noted previously, I'm going through some severe struggles with my family in crisis as well as needing to rebuild my business while juggling my own sense of self-worth (or lack thereof) in the universe, gay attractions notwithstanding.
So, in that spirit, out of the blue, an independent consultant offered a name of a person that I should consider hiring - someone that he felt would fit my company's needs perfectly. I hate hiring people. I don't like change. I would rather overwork myself than train somebody new. Was it a coincidence that this person made such a suggestion right when I needed it? I talked to him by phone (as he is out of town) and things felt good. So, we agreed to meet at a mutually convenient place in a public food court at a mall where we could decide if a working relationship could work for both of us. He suggested a place that I had not been to before and I agreed to meet him there at the appointed hour.
The interview went well and I was pleased with the prospects of hiring this person. We got along well from the start and my consultant friend was right - it was a "good fit".
Then it happened -
another "coincidence". While sitting there in animated dialogue, I look up and catch out of the corner of my eye - Tim - my "Tim" walking by! He was wearing a dark blue dress shirt with a sharp golden tie, his hair perfectly cut to grooming perfection reflecting maturity, style and refinement. My heart leaped. I haven't had my heart leap out of my chest in years, but it leaped - to the point of my feeling the need to catch it before it fell out of my body.
After noticing "him" pass by, I really couldn't concentrate on much else. I ended the interview and we walked out to our respective cars. As I did so, I noticed Tim again, this time at the store where he was working. He didn't see me as I nervously proceeded to my car.
I sat in the car, contented that I had solved one of my work-related stressful situations, and contemplated another. Let me explain for those of you who are not following along with my gay soap opera (which is probably everyone of my vast reading audience):
Tim is a tall, gorgeously handsome, young man that I have known now for nearly ten years. Our relationship has evolved from teacher-student, to mentor-"mentee", to older friend-younger friend, to brother-brother to confidants to my fantasy world of infatuation and obsession. He literally saved my life once and I have felt a bond, a kinship, a brotherhood, an affection and affinity for him ever since - and to my pleasant surprise - instead of the normal evolution of multi-generational friendships over time - it has been reciprocated and strengthened, not weakened over the passing of time... I have recognized this evolution and thus have distanced myself purposefully so as to not make a wonderful friendship into something that it is not - and trying to balance my strong-felt feelings for him with my commitments and covenants. In that distancing, I have seen him sparingly this last year, the last time being over five months ago.
But even with distance, as my stress levels increase, my pon-farr increases proportionally, and thus my fantasies of him increase as well. This has become unwise. One of my fellow MOHOs has pointed out that this has become an obsession of mine. I know my obsession is inside my mind. I am aware of it. I have used "him" as a personification of my gay adolescent needs and I'm not proud of it. Like with all my intimate relationships I haven't been completely "truthful" about my emotional attraction needs. In being honest about him with my wife, I nearly destroyed my marriage, and have attempted, to no avail, to move beyond him. In finding no strength to "confess my attraction" to him other than my physical and emotional sense of bonding I "need" with him - I have permitted our relationship to continue into whatever you will make of it - he being a willing participant.
I sat in my car contemplating the "coincidence" factor of meeting with someone just at the right moment and in the right place to catch a glimpse of my fantasy-boy. Was this supposed to mean something? Should I go in and find him? What would I say - that I was scoping him out and found out where he worked? He hadn't seen me, so it would be safe to drive off and forget about the whole thing. As such thoughts went through my head, my heart kept beating faster. My head, heart, and spirit weren't communicating very well, and I didn't know what to do - but the overwhelming thought was this: He is my friend. We have continued to correspond and he has shared things with me that only I know of. Our level of mutual love and brotherhood has never been stronger, despite the distance between us. He has declared his "love" for me and I for him. We mutually recognize our "odd and unique" relationship that goes beyond the boundaries of normalcy, and cannot be reasoned or explained to the innocent bystander.
I thought to myself - this is so stupid. I didn't do anything wrong! I'm not rendezvousing with him. It's an innocent coincidence... that's all... and shouldn't friends, particularly with our kind of friendship, be able to meet in a public emporium and say "hi"? So, I got out of the car and went back into the mall. Nervous, but confident, I walked into the store and he wasn't there. I asked the manager if "Tim" worked there, to be sure I wasn't imagining things - my fantasy world running wild and overriding my reality world. No, I wasn't imagining things - Tim did work there, but had just gone on a quick errand and would return shortly. He asked for my name and I told him I was "just a friend" and that I would return later.
I walked around the mall feeling like a school girl. Should I return later? I was giddy inside. What was I doing? I'm supposed to be the mature one here! I had business to take care of! I had family needs to be met! I needed to keep my pon-farr in check and here I was in the middle of the day, roaming a mall lost in thought of his reaction to my showing up. I felt nervous like I did on my first date in high school. I thought to myself: "You're such a drama queen! This is so gay!"
As I rounded the corner of his store, I caught sight of him talking to the manager, his back turned away from me. My heart beating stronger than normal, I entered the store. The manager saw me and was about to indicate my presence to Tim, when I asked if either of the gentlemen could help me make a selection of one of the fine items there behind the counter. Hearing my voice, Tim turned around and broke into an enormous smile of surprise.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, obviously not expecting me, as he came around the counter quickly and instinctively enveloped me in one of his classic all-body hugs, our bodies welding together as one in the middle of the store. I fell into his embrace and kissed his neck. We held each other tightly, forgetting that his boss (and other customers) were standing there watching us. NOTE: It was one thing to do "our thing" in the corridors of the church where such "brotherhood affection" had become common place between Beck-n-Tim, but in a store in a mall in front of his boss?
Still holding each other hip-to-hip around our waists, I asked the manager if I could steal Tim for a few minutes. Fortunately, he agreed, and Tim and I walked out arm-in-arm and found a place to sit and talk. Many things have been going on in my life. Even more things have been going on in his - hard, difficult choices to be made and situations to be resolved. I noticed as we spoke just how beautiful he was, as if I was seeing him for the first time. I studied his deep blue eyes and noticed how stunning they were - they made my heart melt. I was completely twitterpated. My gay adolescence kicked in and I was in love-lust-infatuation all over again. The cliche sounds not so stupid when you really feel "putty in his hands". We ended up talking for well over an hour, arm-in-arm, completely oblivious to others that might have been watching us. Tears were shed. Comfort given on both parts. I really felt a weird sense of romance-spirit-brotherhood-boyfriend-ship all at once. Yes, I really did feel the spirit as we communicated very intimate things to each other.
I told him that I was worried about keeping him from his job. He didn't seem to be so worried. Even so, I told him I needed to go. We returned to the store where I saw the manager smile at me. Tim and I embraced again, caressing each other. I cuddled into him, he did the same. And then it was over, and I left.
As I drove onto the freeway, I felt so good and warm inside. I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it, even if I should have. I genuinely smiled as I couldn't help but marvel at the "coincidences" in our lives...