Tuesday, June 20, 2006
STEPPING OFF THE CLIFF...
It's been pretty stressful lately.
We've been doing a lot of talking. She's reached the point where she can't deal with the status-quo of doing nothing. She's used the "D" word (divorce) for the first time, and phrases such as:
"Why did you ever marry me?"
"Do you find me repulsive?"
"It's so hard to lie next to you knowing you don't want to be with me"
"Are we just friends?"
"The only reason why I'm holding on is because of the kids..."
"Any other woman would have left you six months into this..."
"Why have you wasted the best years of my life?"
There's been a ton of tears, emotional turmoil, frustration... I think the "D" word has been used in frustration... but the point is well taken that she's through dealing with it in silence, in long-suffering, with a spirit of endurance for the hope of something better.
So, we eventually got to the point where I need to seek counseling.
(I know, I know... those who follow this blog are saying "well, it's about time, Beck!")
(drum roll please)
I actually have an appointment with a counselor who deals with these issues - a week from tomorrow. I know this shouldn't be so traumatic, but it is. At this point, however, I'd rather face a counselor with these issues than the tears and frustration of my wife. So, I'll give it a try. I'll be honest and open and see where this goes. At this point, it can't hurt. I mean, can things get worse?
There's already enough hurt to go around.
I'm feeling like they think I've got a "disease" or something, and I'm sick and need to see a doctor to get better. I feel like they think I'm damaged and need fixing... or at least I feel like this is what society, my wife, etc. expect of me - to be fixed.
I told her that I've become familiar with the different approaches of therapy - that there is affirmation therapy and reparation therapy and that I'm not sure I want either - am I entitled to a say in this matter? I mean, I don't feel like I need to be fixed. Yes, I'm broken. My heart is broken. My spirit is broken, but deep down, I don't feel broken. So what do I need to fix?
I don't feel the need to "embrace" affirmation, and yet the ecclesiastical approach of reparation is repulsive - as fasting and prayer and embracing the atonement aren't "cures" for this "disease". I need to find something in between.
I expressed this to her, and she understood and is trying to be supportive. She seems happier now that I've agreed to take this step.
I guess it remains to see if I'm stepping up to greater heights, or whether I'm stepping off the cliff.