Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I can't tell whether I'm halfway under or halfway out... either way, I'm not breathing too well.
I realize I shouldn't be unloading my counseling needs on cyberspace, but it helps me to vent a bit, and maybe bring some kind of clearness of thinking.
We've continued our normal life together as life expects it to be, putting on the peaceful image for our kids. (Thank God for the kids - they've been our saving grace numerous times!) And yet, privately, there has been a change - something that isn't right. It's like two jigsaw puzzle pieces that have been forced together and you think it fits and works, but when other surrounding pieces have to connect, it's obvious they don't fit and need to be shifted around. It's as if she has said to me "Okay, you want it as we were? Well, then, you will have to do a lot more work for it, buster!". I mean, for the last 18 months (ever since I came out to her)we've really been physically close, closer than we ever were in the previous two decades! But now, it's as if I've crossed a line, and she's stopped trying.
We still cuddle, but at my insistence. We still kiss, but no longer is there passion. It's as if she's pulled back, sending a message that she still loves me, but she's tired of my "issues" and being the one always working for that romantic passion.
I haven't been "wanting" the romantic passion and sex as much as she has... it's always been that way. I never have! Don't get me wrong - this recent trend for more intimacy has been fun and exciting, but it's also been work, and getting into the "right frame of mind" has been more and more difficult. I've sunk into homoerotic thoughts to get "excited". I wish I didn't have to do this, as I wish I could be excited just for her sake. She senses this and I think she's tired of it. She's sending signals that I've got to put out more effort or we aren't going to have any relationship again, and then what do we have?
And yet, I was just trying to be honest with her to let her know how hard this is for me, and how I feel like I'm a sea lion expecting to "perform" at her touch... and the more I stress over it, the worse it gets, and the more I don't want to do it and just sink into a cyber life of "soft porn". I think she's hurt and tired of it...
I know she's hurt!!
I have "wasted her life". She pointed out very adamantly that "any other wife would have divorced me six months into this sham of a marriage". And look how long we've survived (I don't know whether that gives hope to anyone else out there that this mixed orientation marriage can be devout and long-lasting over twenty years - but we've done it - with tons of good that has come from it, but tons of struggles and loss of precious time and needed passion). She's right in the sense that we haven't connected very well sexually, but we have been and continue to be soulmates in so many other ways - and I've grown to the point that I can't imagine life without her, despite my fierce desires to cuddle and hug and be with young beautiful guys!!!
I guess I can counterpoint that "I've given up my true desires for homosexual relations" in search of something better with her - and I've never "crossed that covenant-breaking line". I've allowed her to vent without venting back. We haven't escalated our frustrations with each other to the point of yelling. Just silence, isolation, tears, and slowing pulling back apart... I sense we are going back where we were, and she is beginning to realize I'm never going to truly change.
I wish she'd want to be a part of what is going on inside me, but I know she doesn't. She wants me to get over it and get into her and her only. I can't bring her to realize this needs to be the both of us fighting for each other together. But, if anything, I sense this new shift in our relationship has allowed me to think more openly about seeking counseling and not hiding it from her. It's always been a nagging concern of going off to a counselor in secret and then having to explain where I've been and what medical payments I've made, etc. I think now, if this shift continues, it will give me the insentive to openly pursue professional help - and when the time is right - hopefully, she'll be able to join in.
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And then, I feel like I'm slipping in Church activity... not in my testimony, my personal spiritual convictions, don't get me wrong, but in my desires to participate with the ward family, with quorum brothers (YUCK) and activities, with interactions with the "saints". It just is feeling more and more foreign and more and more not a part of me, and I'm beginning to worry if I'm on the first steps of stepping away.
I'm not questioning the spiritual witnesses that I've had, that have filled my reservoir to overflowing - I'm still drawing on those reservoirs, but I'm no longer overflowing, and I'm pulling back... sinking...
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This whole entry sounds like mindless rambling. I'm sorry for that. Maybe I should just pull back and stop talking about these things.
Am I going under or am I coming out?