Saturday, June 03, 2006


It's been a good time for my family in the last few days. My eldest graduated high school, and my youngest "graduated" (or advanced from) kindergarten. It is a time of celebration... a time of reflection... a time of change.

As I sat through each of these ceremonies of one of life's passages, I reflected on my own graduation and the time that has passed by. And it made me ponder what I've really done with my life. I'm certain we all go through it... I mean, wondering if we are contributing and engaging and tackling life head on and being a part of humanity and part of the process of growing and stretching personally, but also helping and lifting and serving others along the way... making a difference.

The theme of the high school graduation was from Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar:


"There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune, omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures".

Sounds generic enough, the good ol "seize the day" or "our lives have just begun and opportunities abound before us" stuff.

But, it made me think about how NOT DEALING with my "issues" of homosexuality, or even coming to terms with what that means, and delaying the process for such a very long time, has made my life "bound in shallows and miseries". I have had moments when I have "taken at the flood" and lived my life more fully, and I've felt that taste of joy, of completeness. But, I'm held back from embracing life fully, and I find myself perpetually treading water in the shallows!

This shouldn't be taken that I regret completely the path I've chosen. Because of my choices, I have been greatly blessed with amazing experiences and joys. Just to see my children be so happy, so grown up, so amazingly beautiful - it's worth so much to me... their white smiles at the ceremonies - priceless!

* * * *

There was another quote, typically heard at such ceremonies, that stated:

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived..."

I sat there contemplating that one as well. I have way too many fears in my life, and in the process, I feel half-lived or nearly-dead sometimes.

* I fear getting old and find myself envying the young.

* I fear sexually being honest, and living a life desiring male bonding and intimacy but never really finding it and knowing it.

* I fear true honesty with my wife, for fear of losing her, instead of facing the issues at hand in a mature manner and working them out "with her" and not "without her".

* I fear losing what I have created in my life, my family, my kids, my marriage, but find I'm not treasuring what I have either.

* I fear heights.

* I fear risking the unknown.

But... my personal phobias are a subject for another time...

Right now, I'm just counting my blessing instead of my struggles!

I have felt, these last few days, a real sense of joy in being a small part in the lives of my children.
They have brought such happiness into my life that had I not chosen my current path, may not have ever known! They are my greatest joy and blessing. (I wish I could brag about them and share the amazing, wonderful people they are, but in the spirit of anonymity, I hesitate to do so - so I must leave it at that - and yet, be mindful of all that God has granted me, despite everything I'm personally going through right now - I am blessed and we all need to realize the blessings that are in our lives!) And I thank God each day for my kids and the miracles they are in my life! I am so grateful for them!

There is something magical about a father's love for his children and the sense of pride he feels for the amazing human beings they are becoming. They are literally in every imaginable sense of the word a MIRACLE!


Latin Stud! said...


Elbow said...

I'm so happy that there are moments of being thankful in your life.
You are a great and wonderful person, you deserve to be happy and to realize that you have amazing blessings.
Thanks for sharing.

-L- said...

At least I know how you can deal with the fear of heights. Don't jump off any cliffs anymore! :)

Thanks for a nice post. I appreciated your thoughts. You seem to be gaining in personal insight with every day.