Saturday, June 10, 2006

is it over?


we tried...

we woke up and cuddled...

everything was good...

she wanted it...

i couldn't perform...

she kept attempting to massage me...

but to no avail...

i told her: "it isn't working"...

she got all upset and started crying...

she quickly left the bedroom and got dressed...

she stormed back in and told me i better figure out what is going on inside me or else...

she growled that i better decide whether i want to be married anymore or it is high time we get a divorce...

she blubbered something about "giving me the best years of her life" and for what???

and that i've ruined her life...

i just stared at her, not expecting such a reaction to a simple statement about my ability to do it with her this morning...

she wanted a response, but i didn't know what to say - her tears stifled me...

she left in a huff - has been gone for several hours now!

i feel my life is over...

6 comments:

Another Other said...

When either my wife or I has something on our mind, something that we choose to let simmer within us for a while, we've known each other for so long now that the other senses it quite acutely, even if nothing is said. Sometimes that leads to a peripheral conflict, which, as we talk it out, we realize is our subconcious attempt to talk it all out--to access the elephant by discussing our displeasure at the mouse.

It seems to me that your wife's reaction is not indicative that she's overreactive, nor that everything has fallen apart. She's just noticing what's there, perhaps things you haven't had the chance to fully talk about, the feelings that are brewing inside you, the many things you've said in this blog that would probably shock her. This is her way of telling you that she knows the problem is big and real and scary. She demanded an answer probably because she craves for you to talk. This is her trying to say the lines of communication are open. This is your chance to start communicating. Don't run away from it. Take it. Tell her everything. I promise it will help you both feel much better even though the process might be a little sticky. I'm positive, no matter what you decide to do with your life, taking this step of full disclosure will help add much clarity to your journey. And perhaps you'll discover that she'll still accept you for you after all. Which might help you accept you for you as well.

AttemptingthePath said...

*hug*

Samantha said...

Because intimacy is so...well...intimate, when things don't go right it's easy to become emotional. I agree that she's probably taking this opportunity to express emotions and feelings that have been beneath the surface for some time now.

There's more to this than meets the eye. How frustrating and heart-breaking for both of you.

Dave Walter said...

I deleted the first paragraph of my original comment because just as I was about to post the message, Samantha posted an entry with the same sentiment.

I hope your wife will ultimately be able to understand what's going on with you. But don't fall into the trap of feeling guilty when she blames you for ruining her life or makes unreasonable ultimatums.

You have done nothing wrong. Your being gay is not a betrayal of your marriage vows. It's simply what you are at your core, and it is good.

Your life is not over. But it's getting more interesting. ; )

If you need someone to talk with, I'm here for you.

Chris said...

I'm positive, no matter what you decide to do with your life, taking this step of full disclosure will help add much clarity to your journey.

I agree with this completely.

Elbow said...

It was really painful to read that. I have been exactly where you are and it feels horrible.

I'm amazed that someone is having the same kind of issues. My wife has reacted that same way, I have been where you are a dozen times. What is there to do? Is it our fault? Is there anything to say to her that will make it all ok?

My heart is with you.