Monday, June 12, 2006

Curling up

She came back and we tried to talk, but mainly we avoided the subject for the rest of the day. She told me that I was self-obsorbed and needed to get over it and think of us as a couple and not me as a problem. She's right... I have been self-obsorbed and it confuses my "ability to perform" when it counts.

That night, I started to massage her back and she just started crying. It was as if my touch triggers in her the knowledge that I haven't fully loved her and only her, and she feels like her life has been thrown away on a relationship that is seriously broken.

I wasn't sure I'd even be allowed back in bed, but she "granted me permission". I cuddled with her as she sobbed. I didn't sob. Maybe I'm beyond sobbing anymore. I don't know. But I just held her until she finally relaxed enough to go to sleep. We were both emotionally exhausted.

Sunday morning came and I started convincing myself that I wasn't going to go to church. She went off to meetings so I was able to think. I reconvinced myself to go, as I had to teach a lesson, though I didn't feel like teaching anyone anything inspiring.

When we did go to church, we didn't say anything nor touch each other. My heart ached. I dropped her and the kids off at the front door and then went to park the car at the back. When I got to the back door, there was my dear friend. He obviously was waiting for me and could see my face. We embraced. Not the typical High Priest embrace, but the full body embrace. I buried my head in his shoulder and started sobbing. He didn't ask anything. Countless people passed us by on the way up the steps into the building, and I didn't care. He just held me and it felt so good and peaceful. There was nothing sexual about it. It was just so warm and comforting and gave me the strength to enter the building.

When we broke, he just smiled. He has no idea what is going on, but I think he feels he's helping me with these hugs.

Then I went to Priesthood... I'm beginning to hate my High Priest Quorum meetings. There are so many "gems" that I take from that gathering of brethren. For example, here are a few that come to mind over the course of the last few weeks:

1. If you haven't received the answer to your prayers, it's because you haven't exercized enough faith. (I tried to point out that maybe the answer hadn't come "just yet", but that the faith of the Brother of Jared could still have been exercized).

2. If you don't endure, don't dispair, you can always be used as a bad example. (Said in jest, but still the point was taken that we fail or don't measure up if we don't endure to the end exactly as "normal church going folk" do).

3. All children should be expected to 1) graduate from college, 2) go on a mission, and 3) be married in the temple. (I recognize those are good and worthy goals, but there are many people across this globe that will never attend college, and besides that, there are men in the quorum whose sons have, for whatever reason, not chosen to go to college or serve missions... are they damned forever?)

4. We as a church are no longer prejudiced, as President Hinckley emphasized in the last General Conference, but we certainly can see that mixed-racial marriages are doomed from the start. (no need for comment).

5. 70% of black children are illegitimate - so much for the strength of the family. (again a totally inappropriate comment).

Now I know it sounds like I'm picking a fight, or maybe I'm emotional and overly sensitive, and I probably am... but I just don't fit in the Quorum at all. I hate it! I detest it! I don't relate to those men... Maybe I can ask permission to fall back into the Elders Quorum where there may be further light and knowledge...

My lesson went fairly well, though I was so distraught, I left all my notes at home. So I winged it and I felt the spirit strongly, believe it or not, and had a few class members crying their eyes out. Afterward, I was asked to give a blessing to one of the sisters in the class who has been struggling. I hesitated, but was relieved when another priesthood brother, a dear friend, also was asked to be the voice, and I had to just participate as the second brother. I prayed so hard that my current confusion wouldn't intefere with his inspiration or her needs. I prayed for her as her problems at the moment seemed so much more real than mine. In the end we hugged and cried together. It was wonderful and beautiful and brought me enough peace to go to Sacrament Meeting. We were late, but it was okay...

My wife accepted me and told me it was okay as we partook of the sacrament.

We're not there yet... I've got to seek help... Maybe this has brought something out between us to allow me to seek help... I don't know. I'm not sure about much of anything. But, I do know that I felt the spirit in my class, in participating in the blessing, and in my wife's acceptance of me again, at least for now.

But most of the time, I just feel like curling up in a ball...


Dave Walter said...

It seems that you are uncurling now, and that's good.

Baby steps.

Elbow said...

I just love you. I want you to know that. I'm happy for you in some ways, because it seems like you are starting to focus more on what you need.
Sometimes I can't believe what I am reading because it's like I'm watching a video of myself.
I'm here for you.
Thanks for that entry