Tuesday, June 27, 2006

HOLDING ALL THE PIECES...



I'm at the point where things really can't get any worse. If I don't look at her right or search her out to say "hi", or if I don't hug her just the right length or with just the right amount of passion, then I don't love her at all... and then all of the pain of the past comes rushing back to the surface.

She's bringing up situations and circumstances of 20 years ago and if I don't remember the detail of the event and the pain that was caused by my "issues" or lack of interest, or whatever it was, then obviously I don't care enough about her.

I'm sick of it... I can never measure up! I can't take back those words of my "confession" of coming out to her last year and so now everything comes back to that "I KNEW" about these things all along, and yet why did I ever think of marrying her? And if I "KNEW", then why did I go through with it...

And now with so much time passed, and so much pain, and now stirring up all of the pain of all of the past incidents - it's killing us! We're stabbing each other with verbal knives and I hate it... I just can't stand it any more!

She's tortured! And I can do or not do the simplest things and she's off on her tortured mode. I can't live like this. She can't live like this. This isn't living!

I see a therapist for the first time tomorrow. I enter with trepidation. At first I wasn't quite sure what to say or how to start it off, but now with today's storms of emotion, I've got plenty of fodder to begin any therapy.

I don't know where I want this therapy thing to go... I'm still not convinced it will do any good. Honestly, I don't know what to expect and I'm skeptical of the whole process. With that skepticism, can therapy really do any good?

The thing that comes back to haunt me is the total unfair view she is placing on me. She is acting as if I knew everything about my situation back when we were courting and engaged, and yet, for whatever reason, I went through with marriage anyway. In reality back then, I didn't know at all about where or how this was all coming together. I certainly held puzzle pieces in my hand, incidents and memories and events that maybe made sense to some, but to me, they were just my life's experiences a piece at a time. They didn't become the PICTURE of the situation, the whole of it, until I was able to piece together these various puzzle pieces a year or so ago...

And now, after having done so, both she and I can't help but look back at this incident or that event or that lack of emotion or that ill-placed feeling of passion with a clear PICTURE in mind, with all of the jigsaw pieces firmly attached in their proper order and unique place. And we can't go back to the naive times, the innocent periods of understanding, the ignorance of our sexual lives. But, our thoughts and feelings and recollections in today's eyes do that very thing - and we judge ourselves based on the current understanding, not judging on the basis of our understanding at the time with scattered disconnected puzzle pieces before us.

Does any of this make sense to anyone????

I feel like I'm being judged unjustly. Certainly I've caused her deep pain for which I am terribly sorry. Certainly I've been the cause of hurt and neglect and making her feel unwanted and repulsive...

But to say that I did so INTENTIONALLY, deliberately knowing is just plain unfair!

This is getting me nowhere. I don't think I may blog much longer. I don't feel like I'm making any progress. When I began, I had this vision of wanting to discuss about so many things that were consuming me, about affection, about beauty, about perfection, about joy, about age and mid-life crises etc. etc...

But now I just don't care.

Things are beginning to unravel. The pieces that finally fit together to tell the story of the ENTIRE PICTURE of my life, of our lives together, is too hurtful, too painful... and we can't go back. All she wants is for me to "change" so that I don't desire being with men anymore. All she wants is for us to have a "normal" life together. I'm not sure I want to "change"... Change into what? I am who I am and I'm finding it hard to "change" into someone else. Certainly I want to understand and be able to deal with these challenges...

but what is normal?

5 comments:

-L- said...

Sorry I'm so far behind on your blog. I'm sad to hear about the difficulties you are currently facing. Please try not to be discouraged. It's good for her to vent her frustrations, even the irrational ones, so that you can respond to them and know what is going on. The more she talks, the more you talk, and the more you both can listen. It's a process. An imperfect one, but a worthwhile one.

Love you, Beck.
-L-

Samantha said...

Wow...how hard for you. How hard for her. So sorry you're both hurting so much.

I actually started my blog BECAUSE of my counseling. I couldn't bear the fact that I was finding out so much, facing so much, and no one knew--and at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know. Blogging seemed a safe place to express without repercussions.

You may not achieve the lofty goals you once set in your blog, but you might consider using it as a tool as you try to understand you and your life.

By the way, I have visited your blog because, in spite of the "angst", I am drawn by its beauty.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Don't stop blogging. It may not help you, but it's helpful to me (how's that for selfish? :-) )
I'm sorry to hear of your tribulations. I hope counseling is useful for you. It was for me...for a time.
It sounds like your wife could benefit from counseling as well. Maybe that's something you could do together if you find it helps you. She can't blame you for things you didn't intentionally do, and that's something she will have to work out.
Hope things get better.

Elbow said...

My heart is with you. I completely understand.

I've been in the exact situation that are you currently in with your wife. She's hurt and although it's not right for her to treat you this way, it's not right for her to turn her back on you because you are having a hard time.

It sounds like she needs counseling just as much as you do. You might find that the counselor suggests that as you talk about it in your session. The Most beneficial thing would be to go together.

I'm truly sorry that you are hurting. Please don't throw in the towel because you feel like it isn't getting any better. You have strength and the ability to show others beautiful things. I need your voice.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Beck said...

L: I love you too... Stay close even though I know you're entering a busy time of change in your life.

SS: I'm pleased and flattered that you are following my blog. Your voice is gratefully appreciated in this dialog and I appreciate your input and caring. And, thanks for the complement on my blog. I'm still quite new at this.

ACTOR: You're the best. I don't know how I've helped you but if a middle-aged guy, married with kids, hanging on to who he thinks he is or always has been -brings you any kind of hope or support, I'm thrilled. I follow you as well and am anxious to see how your relationship develops.

ELBOW: I hope you know how I feel about you! We have been riding the same roller coaster. I'm just going around a bend and I'm not sure if I'm holding on or if the train just jumped the tracks.

Please stay in touch!