DIFFERENT EYES SEEK PEACE

I really was going to open this entry with a recounting of a memory much repressed in the past that has been stirred up with recent events. But I'm not sure that that will be necessary or appropriate, and I feel a need for restraint. I'm not sure whether the desire to share such things fulfills the purpose of bringing "attention" to myself (look over here, look at Beck, he's coming to terms with being gay! Look!) or whether I seek to cleanse myself of these past reflections as a way of coming to terms with my inner self -- and in the process coming to some kind of place of peace. Maybe it is some of both, I'm not sure, but I feel a need to restrain.

Maybe this restraint is signaling that I'm returning back into my shell. I hope not. I really do hope not. I blog as a way to "open up", to come to terms with my past. If you don't like it, I guess I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm not seeking sympathy (well, maybe a little) as much as I'm seeking peace.

I once had a dear friend (someone I haven't mentioned before) who was a dear mutual friend of my closest friend from my mission.
We were a threesome of sorts. I met these friends, these PRECIOUS BROTHERS IN THE GOSPEL, in the last part of my mission. It was months later when I returned to my mission field (a long story in and of itself) and became "extremely close" to this particular amazing friend. I will call him "F". F had recently been baptized the year before, had progressed quickly in the Church, was ordained an Elder and was preparing soon for his mission. He was so excited to see me (as a RM)and took me around the mission to encounter the saints in the various branches I served in. He was completely devoted to whatever I wanted to do. We had lengthy discussions about the temple, mission preparation and his future, and mine and spent nights together talking for hours and hours.

One night we became affectionate -- more intimate than usual. That affection led to feelings and physical contact. We both were aroused and we mutually knew it and we KNEW the other knew it. I didn't know what I was feeling, naive returned missionary that I was, but he did. He knew! I wanted more, and he was the one who pulled me off and said "no". As I understood this experience then, I was feeling such "passion of brotherhood" even feelings of "spiritual bonding". But, with my eyes seeing more clearly now, I wanted him physically and he wanted me and it scared him. It terrified him! If I had understood more what was raging inside me, I would have been scared, too. All I know is that if he were willing, I would have gone along for the ride. But we pulled apart and nothing "serious" happened.

A year later, I was happily married a few months with my bride. F had received his mission call and was coming from Europe to the MTC to learn a language in preparation for his missionary service. Since we lived just off campus in our newlywed apartment, it was natural that he stayed with us for a few days before entering the MTC and that I would be his "family" to send him off.

It was during those few days that I could tell F wanted much more than to be "friends". F was like Jack in Brokeback Mountain, appearing at my doorstep of my newlywed apartment, desiring a serious rendezvous. I told him he needed to "stay in control of his passions" as a missionary or there would be problems. He sat in my lap, his arms draped around me, and was openly affectionate to me in front of my wife, and it became extremely uncomfortable. I had to explain that "things were different now", seeing that I was married and he a prospective missionary. But he didn't want them to be different between us now! I told him that in America we weren't as openly affectionate as we had been used to being with each other in Europe (an excuse that I realize was the best I could come up with at the time). He struggled with this, but finally realized I was right, and F agreed he needed to "keep things in check" for the sake of his mission and temple covenants. We did embrace in his bed in the guest bedroom, and I felt like Ennis in Brokeback Mountain... We were "friends" and desiring things I wanted to truly do, but my commitments to my wife kept me from doing them.

We had blunt discussions about his commitments as well and he seemed to recognize that he and I both needed to cool it.

As I was an MTC teacher at the time, I saw him frequently during his two month stay. He was "staying in check" and would give me a thumbs up that all was well. His last night in the MTC, I hung out with him and his district and I observed his commitment to serve the Lord and be the best missionary he could be. It was wonderful seeing him so happy and excited and full of LIGHT!

We hugged a long and brotherly affectionate hug and kissed each other good-bye. Little did I know then that that would be the last hug and kiss I'd ever receive from F.

He'd write faithfully each week and I became part of his missionary experiences through those letters. He had immediate success and the language came second nature to him. About nine months into his mission, however, he was sent home. He wrote me and lied saying his father was deathly ill and he was being sent home to deal with family matters. It wasn't until months later that I discovered he "wasn't able to keep things in check" and was sent home for homosexuality. I never got him to open up to me about what really happened, though I surmised as much.

His treatment at home in Europe was one of great sadness. He was openly mocked and shunned by the young adults. His parents, though not members, were ashamed of him. His father refused to speak to him when they realized that F was gay. Our mutual friend was his only source of friendship that didn't shun him, though even now that F was known to be "gay", even he began to pull back. F was eventually excommunicated.

F would call me and we'd talk on the phone, but it was hard for me to "be there for him" when I was a poor college student on another continent. I could feel that he had lost all ties from the Church that he had loved, from the Saints that were his family. But what could I do? And my wife was very hesitant for me to get any more involved. I tried to keep writing him, but he soon stopped writing back and withdrew from me. He knew things had "changed" even with me. I was the last grasp of hope, and even my lifeline for him was sinking into the abyss. I feel horrible admitting this now, but in a way, I allowed him to pull away without realizing the consequences.

Like Jack, having lost all ties to his friends and past, F sought new associations and actively pursued the life of unprotected sexual activity in the big city. He did so, as I contemplate it now, in hopes of ending his life -- it was a suicide plan and he knew it. And he succeeded. He soon acquired AIDS and the following year endured a lonely and painful illness that brought on his horrible death.

His sister (who had joined the Church just prior to his mission), recounted to me of his last wish... stating that he wanted to have a Mormon funeral, and would that be possible, and that the only good thing he ever did in his life was bring her the Gospel (He did have the Mormon funeral he desired - in the Church and ward that had shunned him and washed their hands of him). When I read these words, I wept! I wept openly and bitterly for days! As Ennis kept his post cards and even the shirt from Jack in the closet, I, too, kept his every letter and reread them and reread them. But, I wasn't there for F when he needed me. I, like all the rest of his "friends and brothers and sisters in the gospel" had abandoned him. And he died a painful, horrific death.

Now, some may say that F brought it on himself and that justice was served and he "got what he deserved", that he was a dishonorable missionary and unworthy human being. But, to this day, this very day, and particularly after recently seeing that heartache of a movie, and with different eyes I am haunted by his memory. F was a beautiful and amazing person, deeply spiritual with a testimony as golden as they come. He loved the Church and had embraced it and the Gospel of Jesus Christ body and soul. He was converted through and through. He was so full of spontaneity and the joy of living a full life! He wanted so much to serve the Lord! But it was all destroyed by his "coming out".

There was no mercy... just "justice" - inflicted by those of us, all of us, who should have been the ones to protect him and embrace him in the arms of mercy.

I have tried to forget what we had together and package it away neatly in the back of my closet. But, I am haunted, not because of our relationship (it was pure and beautiful and wonderful, very spiritual and emotionally amazing), but because of my inaction to help him, to be there for him, to give him strength when he was so weak, to give him hope when he had none, to find an alternate path for him than the one he chose as a way to end this hell of a life as a gay ex-Mormon. And, I guess, truthfully, I am haunted by the fear that the same thing could have happened and can happen to me as I "come out" in the light of day.

In some very real ways, I'm still in love with him. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate what I did. I wish it were different, but that is the past and I can't change it. In these different eyes, however, some twenty years later, I see him differently and cry openly even now as I write these words, asking him to forgive me, to forgive my inactions.

I still love him.

I pray that he is well and at peace with himself!

And with different eyes, now I seek that same inner peace!

But I'm still haunted... will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be able to "get over it"? As with Ennis, will I be tormented forever?

BROKEBACK HAUNTING

I've been out of town on a business trip and have had a lot of time to reflect -- away from everything on the home front. In my mood of reflection, I finally saw Brokeback Mountain. I know I'm slow at getting around to things, but when you are as closeted as I am, things take time and need to be done at the right time and place. In my situation, I can't run off to see the hottest movie in town when it is R-rated or gay-themed. It just doesn't work.

Now I'm full of regrets. I know it's just a movie, but...

I wish I had never seen it!

Ever since, I've been haunted by deep feelings that I had neatly put away in my past, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain.

More later...

HOW LONG CAN I RESIST?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately -- in reality, I'm constantly thinking about my current plight and what to do. I want to be responsible and make good choices. I've appreciated the cyberspace friendships that are developing, yet even those can't really fill the need I have to figure things out wisely. I know I need to seek counselling and yet it seems like I'm throwing in the towel, like I've given up and turning this issue over to someone else. Aren't I the one that is responsible here? Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows what to do?

I'm confused...

All my life I've tried to be a support to my friends and family, to those I've served with, and I've felt like I've been able to help a lot of people make good choices. I now face choices and for the first time I'm doubting what is "good".

Yesterday before I went into the office, I was working at my home computer. My friend (the one in the garage) came into my home office without my seeing, or without knocking and started giving my shoulders and neck a deep muscle massage.
I knew it was him! I wanted him to touch me!! I wanted to be close to him!!! I groaned with pleasure and turned around and he smiled a huge grin. He was wearing a tee shirt and shorts and was all sweaty from doing yard work. I got an adrenelin rush just looking at him. I felt all nervous inside, like a good case of butterflies, only better. He stood there talking to me and I chose not to get up out of my chair. I knew if I did, I'd reach out to embrace him and try to never let go. It was all I could do to stay seated and stay calm. My heart was racing. We made small talk, but I really couldn't concentrate. It took all my concentration skills to keep my hands off him.

We talked for a while about our lives and his work, and then my wife came in. It was awkward at first, but in reality we were just talking. She was really cool about it and I appreciated her trust in me. I lost it over a year ago and it's taken time to earn it back... but there I sat, both of them oblivious to what was going on inside me. I don't think either she or he had any notion.

He smiled at me in a goofy sort of way and soon left. I thanked him for coming. It was over and we didn't even hug (which is very unusual for us).

You see, I'm at a point where I wonder if I'm going to be able to make the right choices and stay seated, or embrace the opportunity before me.

In one of his comments a while back, DW declared that maybe all I really wanted was validation to go for it, that in reality I just wanted "permission" from someone to release the chain and let me free. I've thought a lot about this. Deep down, I mean way down inside, I do have a desire to experience and know for myself what these feelings are for and why they are so intense right now. I really want to "go for it", in which case, I'm seeking affirmation therapy. Yet, I have other feelings that won't let me go down that path. I have feelings and have made covenants that mean more to me than satisfying this desire, so, in that case I'm seeking reparative therapy.

Truthfully, I don't feel a need to change! I love these feelings! I'm learning to love them for what they are and the good that I've done with them, be it subconsciously or consciously.

I have a dear friend who has already gone down this road. He knows my situation and frankly is sick and tired of my stalling. He also sees this BLOG as nothing more than a search for sympathy and a distraction.

"The reason I said what I did about the blogging is because in a way it's just more of the same where you're concerned - it's another distraction that's keeping you from getting the kind of serious professional help that you need. It's a band-aid on a very big wound. I'm a band-aid on a very big wound. None of us out here in the cyber world are qualified to help you or capable of helping you in the way you need help. You need to sit down with a professional face to face and have a serious talk and get some serious help.

"...all of this stuff that you've been doing in one way or another points towards the one thing you haven't done, which is make love to another guy. It's the one thing you want the most and it's the one thing you've most completely denied yourself. You've built it all up to a dangerous breaking point - and that's what concerns me so much. If you'd at least had some physical contact somewhere along the way or let off a little of the steam with regards to your feelings for other men it'd be different. But you haven't. Everything you've done has been cloak & dagger - lying awake endless nights aching for the one thing you've never given yourself the chance to experience.

"...You've created a volatile situation in your life and I'm trying to help you understand the seriousness of it and understand how thin the ice is you're skating on. I know you think you're in control, I know you think you can just keep keeping on indefinitely. But, you are NOT superman and your garments don't give you supernatural powers. You're a human being and you're fragile. Don't do this to yourself. Don't risk the breaking point - you're closer to it than you have any idea.

"...You're such a good man and your devotion to your family is a beautiful thing. As I've said over and over again from the start, it's this dangerous game you're playing that concerns me. I know how much you ache to be held by another man ... I know how much you want to make love to another man and feel that completeness inside you. Those are very strong feelings and they're never going away. But somehow you've got to find a way to make peace with them before they consume you and cause you to do something foolish and destructive.

"...It's so beautiful loving another man and being loved by him. It's beautiful because it expresses and fulfills the deepest and truest part of who we are as gay men. I wish for you the joy of knowing what it's all about because it really is wonderful beyond words to describe it. I also wish for you the opportunity to know what that feels like in a way that won't destroy anything you've worked so hard to create and maintain."

I have a hard time disagreeing with anything my friend has said. I also don't want to destroy everything that I have worked so hard to create and maintain.

How long can I resist?

TO TAKE THE PLUNGE

I've been contemplating what I really want from all of this internal discussion. I mean, what is the real purpose of it all... to be sexually free? to be honest? to be faithful? to be righteous? to be whole? What is the point?

I have been contemplating the serious decision to take this discussion to the next level and introduce myself to the world of counseling. Seeking a therapist is a scary proposition to me. It's like taking a dive into a bottomless pit with
massive weights around my ankles, and a fear of never resurfacing! I have never sought professional help and never felt like there wasn't something that I couldn't deal with myself. I've been able to last this long and survive years of hiding the truth of myself (even to myself) with various degrees of success and have managed to live a fairly productive life. To say that I "need help" means I can't do this on my own and to "seek help" from others means I'm weak or incapable on some way, shape or form. (There is no judgment here... just feelings of my own self doubt).

But I realize now that I'm fooling myself. I'm not living well or fully! I'm a shell of a person. I'm a facade, a pretty image of self-confidence and intelligence, masked over a confused and hollow soul.

I've actually started the search this week on the Internet for counseling services to explore what is out there and what may meet my needs. There are choices to be made and how to match those choices with my needs and wants is confusing.

So what are my needs? What do I want from diving off the cliff into this bottomless pool of self-discovery?

* I want to realize that nothing is "wrong" with me. Is that self-centered? Maybe something is wrong with me and I need to realize this and correct it... but deep down I don't feel like anything I'm realizing or feeling is inherently "wrong".

* I don't feel the need to be "fixed", nor the desire to "change" and seeking counseling to somehow fix me doesn't make a lot of sense. The idea of therapy to "change me back" doesn't sound right.

* I want the proverbial "cake and eat it too" attitude. This includes several things such as:
- I want to stay married, or at least be able to stay close to my wife and not hurt her in any way possible. (I'm afraid that going to counseling will ultimately pull me away from my wife and cause deep pain for her - and I'm frightened of that).

- I want to stay a father and continue to develop a loving relationship with my children (and I don't want to see them hurt in any way during this process either. I'm fearful of what this counseling will lead to as I step out into the light of day and face my children with what I may realize to be self-truth).

- At the same time, I wonder if I really want a family. My wife has asked me point blank that question many times. It has more to do with my living a hollow existence instead of embracing what I have. I want to understand how to embrace!

- I want an understanding of why I have these feelings of attraction for men and how I can learn to deal with them.

- If I were to be completely truthful, I would say that I long for a meaningful emotional bonding relationship with a man who loves me fully and completely, including physically or sexually. But how could that happen with the notion of wife and kids above. Am I really that selfish to desire both? I mean, the family life remains in tact, while I go off emotionally, physically, sexually with my boyfriend or partner? (I know this sounds very immature and unrealistic and I realize that... but it is a thought of the notion of "how to have it all". I recognize this notion is full of falacies in that in such a relationship, I really don't have anything at all).

- I want to keep some foundation of who I am, including my belief system of God and my relationship with Diety. I don't want to give up on my "spiritual convictions" or the "spiritual knowledge" that has anchored me so far (some may say "chained me so far"). I'm unsure of how counseling may bring conflict into those beliefs and lead me to pull back even further from the Gospel and Church moreso than I already am. I'm already doubting a lot of things and feeling myself pull away from others as it is.

- I want to gain some sense of peace, some kind of resolution of how to reconcile the conflicts I feel within my soul.

- I want to be free to live, to be me, to feel whole, to not be afraid any more, to stop fearing what others think, to stop fearing the perceived judgment of man and God, to stop fearing the desires to express myself openly to other men without looking over my shoulder to see who's watching. I am living a life of FEAR and I'm tired of it and yet I'm AFRAID to do anything about it.

- I want to feel what it feels like to be gay and not just haunted by lust or imaginary feelings of supposition having no basis of reality.

- I want something more. Is this a sinful desire?

- I want it all.

I feel like I'm on the cliff's edge. I see the waves crashing far below. I feel the butterflies in my stomach (I hate heights). I know I'm stuck on a ledge. I can't go back and the only way off the ledge is to jump and I don't want to jump either because of the potential painful outcome. So, instead of jumping, I'm attempting to climb down the cliff and I find myself clinging with fingertips on a ledge, my feet dangling freely, unable to reach the next ledge below me. I can't pull myself up and I can't touch the next foothold. I'm stuck. I've got to let go...

NOTE: This situation really did happen to me a couple of years ago. I was at Lake Powell with a bunch of Young Men and we climbed through a slot canyon and came out at the opposite end and found the only way out was to jump 50 feet into the water below. One by one, the guys jumped fearlessly into the lake, the awaiting boat now meeting them at this end of the slot canyon. Some were a bit more hestitant, but with encouragement from their peers below, ended up jumping. And then there was just me left stranded on that cliff. I could have returned into the slot canyon and walked out at the other end and made the guys and boats go back to retrieve me, but the pressure was there to jump. As I've said, I'm terrified of heights and jumping that 50 feet into the water below, even though I saw them all do it before me successfully, was too much for me to do. My mind wouldn't go there. I just couldn't do it. Everyone was cheering me on, jeering me on to jump, even the other adult leader on the boat who wanted to get on with it. I saw a ledge below and reasoned that I could hang off the ledge I was at and reach down to it. So, I started scaling the shear sliprock face. Of course, the ledge was farther than than I supposed and now I was really in a precarious situation. I couldn't safely let go into the water because I needed to push off out over other rocks to land safely (had I jumped this wouldn't have been an issue). So there I was dangling and now the jeering was even worse as I was helplessly stuck. One young man (the guy I kissed in the garage the other day) saw my predicament as serious and took it upon himself to climb up to help me. He reached the ledge that I was trying to drop to and ordered me to let go! I screamed at him with obvious panic and told him I couldn't let go. He then said... "Trust me... I'll catch you, just let go!". (I had developed a deep love and trust in him already and to this day I love him more than I should). I looked down and he was still a good ten feet below me. With all the trust I could muster, I let go, placing my life (in my mind of panic) literally in his arms. His strong arms did catch me and held me tight to him on that narrow ledge. We hugged (in front of all the jeering machos below witnessing this) and then from the 30 foot level jumped together into the water below. I took a lot of ribbing for that, but for me, it was very much a real life and death situation and I was literally rescued. I've told him countless times that I'm indebted to him forever for "saving my life". He's told me that he's indebted to me for saving his "spiritual life" and helping to find his path. Somehow, what I've done for him doesn't repay him for what he's done for me.

Well, I now find myself wanting to be in the arms of someone who will catch me as I take the plunge.

I've got to let go...

SO NOW WHAT?

The jury is out that I'm undeniably gay!

I guess I knew that, and have partially accepted that internally for some time now, but still to have it said emphatically means something to me - some kind of passage to a cross-roads.

So now what?

I'm still married. I'm still a husband and father. I'm still an active member of the Church. I'm still very much living in a heterosexual world.

And I'm still very much living in a homosexual world in my mind. And I'm very frustrated with the choices I have before me. As much as my "being gay" has not been a choice - what I do from here is certainly a choice!

And I'm terrified...

So now what?

THEORETICALLY GAY

In another recent post, a similar stream of consciousness brought out that those of us who are going through the acceptance period of "being gay" are really just "theoretically gay". I personally gathered from this term that I am putting together my past experiences and feelings and finally recognizing them in a different light... an understanding that I am gay "theoretically", though I have no real practical knowledge of the subject.

It's like gaining a testimony. As a missionary, I presented a storyline with feelings and thoughts that confronted the prospective investigator with new understanding. I exposed the "feelings" of the Spirit and identified them as such and guided the person through those feelings to "know" for himself that these things that I was presenting, added light and knowledge on the subject of religion - and with pondering and searching within oneself, he could know "theoretically" what I knew to be "true". But, with no real practical knowledge of the subject, he really didn't know.

Do I really know I'm gay?

In my last post, it was said that I have these feelings of lust, and these fantasies (which are increasing inside me day by day whether I like it or not) because I'M GAY - simple as that.

In one sense, there is a great relief to hear "testimony" of what I feel inside myself from another source, a validation of these feelings to help me move past the theoretical stage. When I read the words that these feelings I have are "normal" and mean that I am GAY, brings a sense of peace to my soul - a peace that has long been searching for a release, an expression, a realization - just as an investigator's first taste of recognizing the Spirit that has always been there inside him.

And yet, in another sense, I feel very frightened by this "testimony" of who I am and what and why I'm feeling these things. There is a side of me that resists this "knowledge" and makes me afraid to truly admit it to myself.

It was a huge step to come to this conclusion and admit it to myself and then be confronted by my wife and "come out" to her... but when my "testimony" of myself is only "theoretically gay", it is really hard to come all the way out.

I'm fooling myself, because I really don't know anything about what I'm talking about. This isn't reality. I don't have experience or knowledge or assurance of any of these things. So how can I say that I'm truly GAY?

This thought process is starting to take over my life. I was at a business lunch yesterday with two clients and we were sitting at a table at a sidewalk cafe discussing a potential project. Along comes a young stud with a tight white tee-shirt with sleeves ripped off exposing the most perfect athletic arms you've ever imagined seeing. I stared for a moment to the point of frustration from my client who wasn't sure what put me in a trance. I was quivering inside and it was hard to get back focused on the discussion. When I realized what had happened, I started freaking out inside. Neither of the other two guys even noticed the buff stud walking by and I was totally shaking with lust.

Then, later in the afternoon, I was meeting with one of my employees about another project. He's about 12 years my junior, a very good worker, and very good looking. I hired him in the fall and he's always come to work in dress shirts - but today, being a beautiful spring day, he came in wearing just a tight extra-small black tee-shirt, the sleeves hardly covering his shoulders, exposing his athletic biceps. Obviously, he had worked out at lunch and his bis were ripped.
We sat next to each other at a table discussing our project and he'd twist his wrist or lean his head on his hand in a way that his biceps leaped into flexed perfection. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them... I felt like the proverbial straight guy who keeps looking at the cleavage of the secretary's plunging blouse line. I felt like such a slut... I wanted a piece of his guns and it was such an awful lustful moment. I was thrilled at first, and now I'm feeling nothing but panic!

I'm the boss! I'm the guy who's supposed to know everything! And yet, I really don't know anything...

I've reasoned and justified that all I want is an emotional bonding with guys, a feeling of belonging and being accepted by them and being a part of them. Physically, I've lived my life vicariously through occasional emotional body hugs, arm wraps, neck kissing, etc. But, this vicarious flirtation of man-to-man contact is just fooling me to think I know what I'm desiring and feeling. In reality, I want I piece of meat! I want to have the social, emotional, committed relationship that I've felt over and over and over with guys in a pattern of eventual hurt (as they move on with their straight lives and I linger behind wondering and wishing and fantasizing and stalling in an unfulfilling way), but I want to have the physical, lustful, carnal, sexual part as well... And I know I can't do that or have that, or should even desire that.

I'm just "theoretically gay"... and I'm not even sure I know what that means either.

FANTASIES of LUST

What are the purposes of my fantasies?

Why do I have sexual fantasies?

Do heterosexual men have fantasies of women as I am having fantasies of men?

Am I gay if I have fantasies of men?

Am I alone in this? Is this something that I do because I really don't have any other means to release my desires for a relationship with another man?

These and many other related questions have been circling through my mind lately. As I've reflected on it and tried to be honest with myself as I've thought about my past through objective eyes, I've come to the conclusion that I have NEVER had a sexual fantasy of any kind of me with another woman, and this includes my wife of twenty years! Is that strange? Why all of a sudden am I realizing this? Man I'm slow...

I know that for some, this is obvious. But for me, I'm still fighting the notion that this can even be "normal" and that I shouldn't think it a big deal at all... But it is a big deal! And I feel confused and guilty.

I really haven't fantasized about her, or about any girl or woman I've met or known... not one! I really am trying to dig through my memory banks to come up with one and I can't think of one instance. Isn't that pathetic?

So what does that mean? I mean, I love my wife. I cherish her. She has been the strength and essence of my being for so many years. We've become soul mates, help mates, and have created wonderful adventures and experiences together as companions; romantic companions included. I must admit (and I'm a bit shy to confess such things - but perceived anonymity increases boldness)that our sex life has been very rough, at times, and even non-existent for a long period of time. And it has had more to do with me than with her. In reality, our sexual life improved dramatically when we were honest with each other and on the verge of divorce as I admitted I was gay. It was then, that we began to try to "fulfill" each other's needs in a more complete manner and began to have more meaningful sex for the first time in our marriage. It became frequent and powerful and invigorating and wonderful, and we were free as "newlyweds" to rekindle the fire of lost time.

But, even then, I didn't fantasize about her. Isn't that mean and awful? I feel terrible for admitting this. But, it's true. I really never have! In fact, there have been many times, even more recently, when my sexual arousal comes from her touch accompanied by a "fantasy" of a guy next to me caressing me. I feel like I'm cheating on her by allowing this "fantasy" to have its way with me, but she wants me to "respond" and "perform" and I want to fulfill her needs and desires, and so I indulge.

What is going on here?

It would hurt her so much if she knew what is going on inside my confused brain. I can't tell this to her. I have tried to be more in tune with her physical needs and pay attention to her desires... she desires kissing so much more than I do... I try to give her the passion she seeks in me, but it is more like work than like pleasure. That sounds cruel. I don't mean it in a cruel way. It's just that I need to work at it to make her sure that she knows that I love her. It isn't completely natural. And when she wants it more than I, it's definitely work.

Meanwhile, the hug thing in the garage a couple of weeks ago with my guy friend brought on a stiffy that I still linger over -- and with no work or effort at all! And my semi-conscious and conscious mind easily slips into that mode of desiring the fantasy of more and more.

I seldom dream (that I can recall) but when I do, it seems to always be centered on adventures with a gorgeous guy, half-naked or completely naked... camping, on the beach, or hiking or whatever. It's a dream of intimacy of hugging and kissing and always with guys... sometimes guys that I know, other times, guys that I imagine.

I've had recent wet dreams where I've imagined having sex with a guy and they've become very intense. It scares me! I should have moved beyond this years ago! I've analyzed myself thinking that maybe because I've never FULLY lived my passionate longings, that I've become very imprisoned in time... like I'm still an adolescent in the realm of sexuality and I haven't moved into adulthood, though I'm a responsible adult in every other sense of the word. Can that be?

Is this why I fantasize?

I must admit that sometimes I really enjoy it. But, I know it must be unhealthy because it isn't real and I'm living in an imaginary, pretend world and I feel very stupid, naive and innocent... and I feel ashamed. I should be well beyond this!

I have the opportunity for physical rapport with my wife every day, and we have a 'sense of normalcy' as we've re-established our commitment... but I feel like I'm a liar or cheater for having these "thoughts", these "ideas", these "longings" that don't center around her physically, but around a guy.

I've fantasized about certain guys that I know, that started with infatuations and have developed into friendships, and close relationships... but the guys are always straight. They have been guys that love me for who I am and sensitive to my desires to be physical and "touchy" with them... and they allow me to be so with them. But I've tried to curb this attraction to them as I know it is dishonest with my marital covenants and is disloyal to my wife and to them as friends. I desire the wrong thing from them and know it will lead to disaster if I allow these fantasies of attraction to play out in the world of reality...

And so, I pull back even from these dear sweet guys... and then the cycle of fantasies magnifies. ARGHH! I desire them even more!


Is it lust? Elbow asked this question and I've come to a similar point of puzzlement: IS THIS ALL ABOUT BURNING LUST? Don't I just truly LUST AFTER BEAUTIFUL GUYS??? Do straight guys lust? Is lust normal?

Am I fooling myself that I really desire more than physical satisfaction... I want emotional bonding? Maybe I just want a hottie!

I can't believe I'm even saying these things. This is all so strange to be so open about this detail of my life. I'm such a fool.

THE SPIRIT AND THE FLESH

I find myself weakening... I don't feel my testimony is as strong as it once was. I am beginning to doubt the Brethren more and more and I'm losing the SPIRIT.

I feel myself recently withdrawing from the "Community of Saints", or the body of the Church. I find each week and month that passes, I feel a bit more reserved, removed, and distanced from other brothers and sisters. I hate Priesthood Meeting and the "brotherhood" there that is so different from who I am, and I find myself becoming critical of them and putting up walls to isolate them from me... I guess I feel they will never understand what is going on inside of me and so I withdraw, rather than engage. I go to meetings, instead of come to worship. I sit, instead of participate. I observe, instead of embrace.

To know me previous to my "personal awakening", you would be shocked to hear me state such expressions or feelings about the "brotherhood" of the Church. As shocking as it may sound, I am beginning to feel like I don't belong.

I know it has a lot to do with me, my callings and service to others. It is so much easier to "serve" when you don't feel "wounded" or made of "damaged material". I've served faithfully in callings throughout my life, and even in my current calling where I teach, I feel great joy and service to my students and there is a spirit-to-spirit communication going on. But with the Church as a whole, there is beginning to be a distance. I know I'm the one moving away, pulling back, hesitating, and it bothers me (at least I can say it bothers me).

Maybe I'm becoming more selfish as I become more self-reflecting on things. I know when I am the least self-centered, I'm happiest and the spirit has been there to say "YES"! Maybe I just need to stop moping about it and get out there and help others.

I know how the SPIRIT works within me. I know how to read, and study and pray and fast and seek answers to questions. I get it... I know how it works from personal experience. And I know that these "feelings of the spirit" are real and I do NOT deny them or their existence or their value and purpose in my life. They have brought me to my Savior and I know that He loves me and understands me.

I have come to realize that he desires me to come to Him not perfected, but repentant! His message is for the broken heart and contrite spirit... a humbleness and repentant-ness.

I also know, however, that these "feelings of gayness" are ever as real, or "just" as real. I have come to know that He knows this and doesn't blame me for my "feelings of the flesh", but is more interested in what I choose to do about them.

So why, then does he use his apostles to speak words of confusion to my soul:

"It is a wicked, wicked world in which we live and in which our children must find their way. Challenges of pornography, gender confusion, immorality, child abuse, drug addition, and all the rest are everywhere. There is no way to escape from their influence." -- Boyd K. Packer (April 2006)

"Are you battling a demon of addiction... or the plague of pornography? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem?" -- Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2006).

In both cases, they lump the "gender confusion" (a fancy new term) with other sins, or broken things to mend. What does this mean? And what does it have to do with what I'm feeling?

I don't feel "gender confused". I am very thankful and grateful to be MALE and I love all things MALE!!! There is no confusion on my part to desire to be a woman, or to identify myself any different than as a MAN. But, I also feel woven into my being a desire for male affection, male beauty, male companionship, male sex. Am I confused? Do I have a confused identity?

I don't feel sinful anymore for stating the above. It is what it is! Now, as -L- brought up in another blog, that doesn't give me the license to run off and be promiscuous in my behavior, just as such desires don't give the hetorosexual that same right of promiscuity. I am still a moral being and and guided my moral principles. (NOTE: I'm not declaring that those who think differently are immoral... I'm just stating my own case and belief for me!!!). I can choose what I do with these feelings of the FLESH and I can use the SPIRIT to guide me in those choices to choose wisely, with love and responsibility for my actions.

Just because I have these feelings of the FLESH doesn't make me a sinner to be lumped into all manner of this "wicked, wicked world".

I've rarely questioned the "Brethren" as I've learned from experience that for the vast majority of the time, they are right on target and through application of their teachings, I've experienced joy and felt truth.

I find myself questioning them now, at least regarding this issue... Maybe I'm allowing my confusion to get to me and make things worse. Maybe I really am slipping... I don't know. I just don't feel so wicked, and I feel like the "confusion" comes when I'm lumped into wickedness.

I've taught numerous lessons about the SPIRIT and the power it has for good within our lives. I realize that this goodness is real and has been a guide for me throughout my life. I realize one of the main purposes of these spiritual feelings is to help us "remember" who we are and our potential to become like our Father in Heaven.

One of my angsts is the fact that I do remember how it feels to have the spirit with me, to be prompted to do good and to have testifying truth burn in my soul. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much now that my current "issues" are fogging up that burning image, and making me "hazy" or scrambled a bit in my memory banks. If I truly felt that the spirit wasn't real, but just a bunch of bunk, then I guess I wouldn't feel so disturbed by it feeling hazy lately.

The point is, I still do "remember" those feelings of joy, the communications of spirit to spirit, the witnessing of testimony.

"When a man has the manifestation from the Holy Ghost, it leaves an indelible impression on his soul, one that is not easily erased. It is Spirit speaking to spirit, and it comes with convincing force. A manifestation of an angel, or even the Son of God himself, would impress the eye and mind, and eventually become dimmed, but the impressions of the Holy Ghost sink deeper into the soul and are more difficult to erase... Through the Holy Ghost the truth is woven into the very fiber and sinews of the body so that it cannot be forgotten."

-- Joseph Fielding Smith

If I didn't remember, then I guess I would be "passed feeling". I have been woven into the very fiber and sinews of my body! I cannot forget! I can still feel both the SPIRIT and the FLESH.

That is why it is so hard to walk away and give it up (Mormonism)... Because I do remember!

That is why it is so hard to relate and fit in any more (being gay in a heterosexual Church)... Because I do feel gay!

That is why it is so hard to find my way... I care too much to leave what I know to be true. I hurt too much because I feel myself slipping away from it...

Slipping to that place where : "They lose hope. The adversary harvests his crop and binds them down." -- Boyd K. Packer (April 2006)

Satan's plan is to destroy our hopes! Despite this angst, internal, eating at me from inside out, I still have hope that my Lord is there to understand, and wants me repentant, not perfect.

It really comes down to selfishness... I need to hit myself in the head, forget about it, and go do something good for somebody!

Happy Sabbath!

FOR ONE DAY

In an effort to be a bit more positive, and to show that there are good days along with the 'angst', I decided to write a more upbeat entry.

Spring has sprung in the Rockies and it feels great to get outside and feel alive!

Spring has a very nostalgic feel to it, particularly when the snow is still on the peaks but the flowers are in full bloom and the trees are finally leafing out. The spring scenery, particularly at BYU, triggers the memories of when we were first engaged and taking our engagement pictures on campus, and all the events surrounding our courtship.

I decided to surprise her this weekend and catch her away under false pretenses and with camera and tripod in tow, rekindle some "magic" by recreating those engagement pictures some twenty years later. The sky was perfect, and the snow covered mountains and plump flower beds and blossoming trees all cooperated on cue. The BYU campus never looked better. It was as if the place was spruced up just for us.

We had a lot of fun finding "our spots" and rekindling the magic of so long ago. There have been times, long periods of time, when it hasn't been so magical and I've been pretty aloof. There have been times, long periods of time, when I have been in my 'angst' and she's been shut out and long suffering.

For one day, we were young again, free again, excited to be together again, and to remember that despite my "issues", we were once very much in love and very much excited to create this eternal family. For one day, we were one of those gaggy and disgusting BYU "engagged" couples who were walking on air, oblivious to the thousands of students surrounding us. We kissed openly and often in "our spots" and for one day, we were back again. This was where it all began. The magic was still there for this one day.

So, if I can have it for one day, can I have it forever? Can I hold back my lust and angst for just long enough to make this work? With all I've invested in this relationship, can I really just throw it away or can I hang on and keep it going?

It really was a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, nostalgia is good to help you remember. The scriptures talk about us "remembering" the feelings we had, particularly the feelings of the spirit and whether we can feel them now. I guess that remembering can go both ways, with magical moments with guys as well.

Oh well, for one entry I am going to try to not go there... I am trying to show that I don't always have to be uptight. For one day, I was free to be me again, in love with my wife. She is an amazing, beautiful person and I love her!

I still do!

By the way, how anyone can get anything done at BYU with all those gorgeous guys walking around in their well-fit tee shirts and baggy shorts and sandals is beyond me - how in the heck did I ever graduate from this place???

... oh the beauty of spring!