A couple of thoughts were swimming around and around in my head yesterday and I was finding it hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing.
One was a thought that Moho Hawaii shared with me at the party on Saturday, that he "knew the type of guy I was interested in" ; i.e. the mentoring type with me playing the "professorial" role of mentor / advisor / teacher. And as I thought about it, I knew he was right.
The other thought was triggered by the recent dialogue on Forester's blog, particularly the discussion of his desire to kiss another man and not necessarily tell his wife about it, and the subsequent flow of advice that poured out, particularly from a NancyB who kind of slapped us married gay guys in the face - waking us up out of our selfish dreams of kissing men while remaining "faithful" to our wives, while not seeing the inappropriateness of such behavior (at least with regards to being married and kissing guys, not that kissing guys or desiring to kiss guys is inappropriate).
As these thoughts were swimming yesterday afternoon, who should walk into my office but Tim, my young married bromance friend who I haven't seen in months and sparingly have communicated with via email.
As I caught glimpse of him, my heart skipped and my breath escaped me, signals that though I'm "old", I'm still very much alive and the reaction of joy and excitement and twitterpation and infatuation are all still there for him. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was finished with the semester and had some time off and drove 90 minutes to come and see me, not his folks, but to see me!
After I caught my breath and started my heart beating more regularly, we settled down into a 2-1/2 hour heart-to-heart-getting-caught-up conversation. It was the good ol' days... and I so easily slipped into the mentor role and he into the mentee. I was the wise and wonderful. He was the taut and teachable. A couple of times during the visit, my wife walked through the office and at first was startled to see Tim here, but was cordial and nice (and afterward only asked if I knew he was coming, which I didn't).
At the end of the visit, we embraced affectionately for a good long time, he holding me and me him, and we whispered to each other how much we still loved one another. He told me that he didn't want to be that typical guy who, once married and gone forward in life, settled for the occasional "we got to get together sometime" chat on the street where both parties know that it will never happen. He wanted me to know that he was not that guy, that he could not forget me, that he loved me, and that we need to keep these close and intimate dialogues going.
In the end, I was going to kiss his neck, (which I really and truly wanted to do!) as has been my pattern, but the thoughts of NancyB and Sarah and my wife swimming in my head, kept me from doing so and I held back. As he turned to leave, I slapped his head more in a brotherly way than a romantic way. He laughed and snuggled me again and I hugged him from behind, and then slapped his butt and he was gone.
Later, I told my wife about our conversation and his desire to still keep in touch. She didn't press and was cool about it and non-defensive, which is a good step on her part. In the past, just seeing Tim with me made her uneasy, uptight and jealous. Maybe she's trusting me more? Maybe I'm trusting myself more? Maybe there is progress in this?
I didn't freak out and go into a tizzy over his visit afterward. It was good. It was warm. It was bromancy but not romancy. And I'm not freaked out. I love Tim. Had I not been married and he was more than just touchy-feely and something happened between us, it would have been an amazing cross-generational love story. But, the sequence of life didn't work that way, and so we have a different love story - one that still is very meaningful and profound to this old geezer that such a gorgeous, statuesque and genuine young man can still feel love and devotion and even some passion for someone like me.
So, is there anything inappropriate with this unsolicited encounter? Is there something inherently wrong with our continued relationship? Should I expect some "special compensation" for being a gay man in a marriage for having such relationships, or is this asking for some kind of unfair or selfish favor? Can this mentor/mentee bromance serve to help me to be okay inside? By not telling him that I'm all twitterpated just looking at his studliness, but yet not desiring anything more but a close friendship, am I being disingenuous with him? Or is this whole thing so innocuous and innocent that it's not even worth a blog post?