It doesn't take long to have the angst return and reality set in on you, does it?
In my last post, I was really content with the last little while, and escapism is an amazing thing - leaving the realities of life and heading out into an adventure and worrying about how to pay for it later. There is always later.
But later comes and usually sooner than later reality hits you in the face.
With the encouragement of some here, I took the step of coming out a bit more and I attended Scott and Sarah's party last night. For some, this may not be any big deal at all, but for me, it was a huge deal, and a huge step, and a huge reality call of where I am and where I am not.
First of all, I want to say that Scott and Sarah are amazing people and I am so glad to have finally met "Serendipity" who is such an incredible woman. Scott is truly blessed with such a sensitive and compassionate and sweet and loving wife. Their genuineness and empathy overwhelms me. I truly feel they are miracle workers.
Meeting everyone was such a kick. The mix of personalities, situations and circumstances - all different and varied - was amazing to observe. Yet, there was a commonality to it all as well, something that states that even though we are not on the same path, the journey is still the same for all of us. More on this and the amazing people of this community later in a follow-up post.
For now, I want to post about the burden I feel and the angst that it causes within me.
I really am not a social mingler. Talking to "strangers" in a group and becoming conversational and interesting is hard for me. Yet, get me one-on-one and I blossom and become an open book and feel more of the real me coming through. When I shroud it all in deceit and deception, it is hard for the real me to come through - I become nervous, uneasy, and reserved and observational. I hate it when this happens. For then, I start analyzing in my brain why I am doing this, why I am pulling back, why I don't show my true self - a self that can be very animated, clever, fun, passionate and compassionate.
I just hate it when this happens - and it happened last night at the party. I noted that most everyone there was pretty much "out" with nothing to hide. They were natural and open and sure of themselves in a way that spoke to honesty and authenticity and reality. I am still very closeted - though I'd like to feel that I've progressed and come out more than I really have - and as such, I am a facade, simply a facade of a person. I am not honest or authentic or real to anyone. These thoughts overwhelmed me, and the guilt I was feeling for being there under false pretenses with my family just exacerbated the whole emotional roller-coaster I was feeling inside. This guilt of deception pressed on my body and soul to the point of uneasiness that I had to leave early. I apologized to Scott and Sarah and said my quick goodbyes.
This guilt is tremendous. It is so stifling. I kept imaging what would happen if my family knew where I was and what I was doing (and what was I doing more than just reaching out to an astonishingly beautiful new family). Those thoughts lead to reflections of the state that I'm still in - one of deception. And as long as it remains in that state, I cannot escape these feelings of guilt, of dishonesty, and I cannot BE who I am inside and let others see the person that I really am inside.
This rips me apart. I realized last night that I haven't really progressed at all. It was like a cold, hard abrupt slap in the face. Despite the incredible love, the outreaching efforts to embrace and include, the bonding of blogging brotherhood and sisterhood in the flesh (which is a unique and fascinating concept in and of itself - I mean, the closeness that one can feel with a complete stranger that one knows only through this electronic media - it's mind-boggling!!) - I could not get past the idea that I am but a shadow of who I am, and I'm not progressing toward my authenticity at all as long as I continue this deceit and deception.
Both Scott and Kengo wondered how I was able to "get away". Knowing my situation, it was obvious that some disguise was used to get out of the house and sneak away... Convenient that my wife was out of town, and lying to my kids - yeah, those go down as great stepping stones for this delusional boy! They even joked that it would be good to see me again "next time your wife is out of town"... This just put me over the edge! It was innocent and real and natural and funny, but it also cut like a knife sharper than the one Scott so skillfully used in the kitchen.
It did so because it is true. I am a joke. I am nothing but a joke. This whole delusional fantasy world of being "Beck" is a joke. My marriage is a joke. My life is a joke...
And I'm sick of it...
I am not like you! I am not real. I am not honest. I am not authentic. I am not whole.
I can either back off and step back out of this "Beck" world and revert back to the "don't think about it" denial persona, or I need to step out and beyond this facade and face reality and be a complete and whole persona of who I really am. But this living a fine line between the two - it's just a facade... it's just a joke.
The gig is up. I can't do this anymore...