Monday, April 13, 2009

Three years old!


It's anniversary time again! "Beck" is now three years old...


Two years ago at this time, I wrote:


I don't pretend to think that this blog is more important than it really is - just a loose collection of angsty ramblings, often whining and complaining. But the strength comes with common and unique bonding of voices. I add my voice, one of the "smallest" in this community...


And then last year at this time, I wrote:


At times lately, I've been too consumed in other things to really put my heart into my blog. I miss that. I know when I have used my blog for the purpose of writing and sharing personal and heart-pounding feelings, I find my view on life becoming clearer. When I don't, I fall into traps of the past or indulging...


And here I am another year older as a blogger, and hopefully another year wiser, but doubting that I'm making any real or serious progress. At times like these, I reflect on why I do this - why I blog - why I allow Beck to be so Beckful... When things are going well, I feel anchored and happy with where my life is going, I feel the purpose of the blog has fulfilled its mission and there is nothing more to say. And then, at other times, I slip into a gay Pon Farr of sorts, desiring a crush or bromance in the worst way, or I find my beliefs challenged, my faith shaken and cynicism increased, as I come to terms with personal authenticity.


I've witnessed many changes in this community. Many bloggers that were here at the beginning are no longer with us and have moved on. Others have come and have filled their places. And many, many others have joined that I do not, nor cannot know as it grows and grows. And I reflect on why I'm still here.


What's the point of continuing to blog? Is there really anything more to say? Haven't I hashed and rehashed my angst as a gay married Mormon man enough? Is there any meaningful purpose to keep this going? Is there any good coming from these words I jot down on this computer screen? If I'm not doing that much good for myself, and making any serious progress besides the baby-steps I'm taking, is there any good for anyone else to keep this up? What reasons are there to keep this going?


The ups and downs of life cycle on. It is its nature. I guess because of that, "Beck" will continue to blog (and you, my few readers, will continue to endure) until the roller coaster ride of emotions of my gay angst comes to an end.


Happy birthday, Beck...

18 comments:

Sarah said...

I, for one, am incredibly grateful that you are still here. Your blogs have helped me fully understand what it means to be gay so that I can fully embrace my husband for who he is, that I am not the only one who struggles with the church but somewhere deep inside feels a need to stay there.

Happy Birthday, and thank you! I hope you are with us for as long as we all need you.

Public Loneliness said...

Happy Birthday Beck!

Yes, you are needed...your thoughts are what many of us think, your struggles are our struggles and we need to support each other in this unique brotherhood.

hugs, PL

Bror said...

Yes, Happy Birthday Beck. Your blog makes me feel better about life. Thanks for keeping the posts and pictures coming.
yours,
bror

Abelard Enigma said...

Happy birthday!

Sean said...

Happy birthday! You're so young yet so old in this community (so am I)! :)

I love reading your blog even though I don't comment on it very often, but I have been as of late. I feel like your blog is for you, even if the steps you take are small or even backwards. You must remember that they are steps and that you are learning about yourself in the process. So I say continue blogging as long as you need it to continue progressing and when you no longer feel the need, stop.

Love ya buddy!

Bravone said...

Beck, If you would have quit, we would never have reconnected. Glad you are still here. Precisely because many come and go, it is wonderful to have your perspective for those new to the blog family.

Ti voglio bene,
Bravone

Beck said...

SARAH: If I have helped you to understand and "fully embrace your husband for who he is" then I am pleasantly surprised. I wasn't thinking I filled that role and I feel you are doing an incredible job in embracing Scott without me, but thanks.

As for the church and "needing to stay", I hope it comes across in my blog that I, through all my frustrations and angsts, still am a firm believer and feel the "need to stay" and that I see a role to play as an insider better than as an outsider. If that role has helped you in any small way, then I am truly grateful.

"I hope you are with us for as long as we all need you..." So, um... how long will that be???

Beck said...

PL: It is a "unique brotherhood" and that is why I'm still here. I never thought I would be around here this long and yet, here I am still... I can't seem to go away as I feel the support and connection with this "brotherhood" and sisterhood.

BROR: I still question the pictures and whether I'm helping myself or others with posting them - but I'm glad you like them. I like 'em, too!

ABE: Thanks. Birthday wishes for your blogging-self seems odd, but I'll take all the best wishes I can get. :)

SEAN: Thanks for posting more on this old-fart's blog. I really appreciate your point-of-view and perspective. You are wise beyond measure!

Beck said...

BRAVONE: You're right. Had I quit last year when things were getting less passionate and I was waning a bit in my posts, we wouldn't have reconnected after all these years and "found each other" again. That's a testimonial to longevity right there, right?

So how many more of "us" are there out there to reach?

Sarah said...

"I hope you are with us for as long as we all need you..." So, um... how long will that be???

I think only God knows the answer to that one, and so I will leave it in his hands.

Sean said...

Why thank you kind sir. :) hahaha! I don't feel very wise at all. I'm glad you get something out of my random thoughts and feelings.

PS I don't think you are an old fart. You're the young, cool, hip Beck!

Ned said...

Beck you said, "So how many more of 'us' are there out there to reach?"

Perhaps it's always just one more than you think it will be. I'm so glad to be one of the "us" that you slowly but sure reached. Congratulations on both your third blogiversary and the fourth decade anniversary of your 10th birthday. :)

Love you, bro!
Ned

Ron Schow said...

Beck

You said:

"So how many more of 'us' are there out there to reach?"

I recently studied the census to estimate how many gay Mormons live in Utah. After eliminating those under 18, and using well established national data of 3% self identified gays in the USA, I came up with an estimate of about 15,000 in Utah. I believe these are LDS males who would rate 5 or
6 on the Kinsey (HH) Scale.

According to the Williams Institute report of Jan 2008 there are about 2500 gay males in Utah living in same sex relationships. I assume there may be another 2500 because of under-reporting. If that estimate is right there are still 10,000 gay adult LDS males in Utah. The census says about 50%of adult males are married, 24% are single (never married), 9% widowed and 10% divorced. So where are the 10,000? Some are married, some single, some widowed some divorced, but I think we can only guess how many are in each group. I assume there have to be a lot(1000s)of gay LDS males in Utah who are in your situation--married to a woman. And how many outside Utah??? I think you make a great contribution to explain what is going on with a large portion of those who are married. Please keep doing what you've been doing. Your voice is REALLY needed.

drakames said...

I know I've appreciated your blog and the thoughts you post. Your perspective, particularly as someone who has been blogging for three years, has been enlightening and encouraging.

For someone who doesn't have people in my life who know about my orientation, this blog world is my sanctuary. The understanding I find here is sometimes the only support I have.

And you contribute to that.

So happy birthday! Hope there's more birthdays still to come!

GeckoMan said...

Congratulations on hanging in there for 3 years, Beck.

And I send many thanks for asking and hashing out all those angsty questions you always seem to share, which many of us don't want to acknowledge or deal with! I enjoy your thoughts and all the dialogue it usually generates.

Wyatt said...

I love you, man!!!! So glad you're still searching. And I'm glad you're still blogging.

Beck said...

RON said: "I think you make a great contribution to explain what is going on with a large portion of those who are married. Please keep doing what you've been doing. Your voice is REALLY needed..."

I don't know how true that is as I don't feel like my voice means much as I'm too unsure of my path I'm on - so how I can influence others and reach out to them in a significant way - is still confusing to me and I don't see it. But I thank you for pushing me upward and onward on this journey and helping me along the way.

Thank you, my friend, for your encouragement and perspective.

There is never anyone so prepared to supply the detail and statistics of my ponderings as you! You help me to put things in perspective... Thanks.

Beck said...

DRAKAMES said: "For someone who doesn't have people in my life who know about my orientation, this blog world is my sanctuary. The understanding I find here is sometimes the only support I have.

And you contribute to that."

I am glad you are out there and feel this way about this blogging world. I feel the same. It has brought me to a peace and understanding of myself that I have not been able to find in other places or methods. I am glad that you see value in my voice and I look forward to knowing more about you as well.

You don't have to be alone. There is comfort and support in this community like none other.


WYATT: You don't know how good it makes me feel to know you're still following my pathetic journey of "searching"!