It was a good weekend. Family gathered around. Good conference (not great, but good / not expecting a lot, but received enough). Felt the spirit. Touched by the music. Comforted by my wife.
It started well on Friday afternoon with a face-to-face chat with MOHO no. 13. Lucky 13! He was incredible. He is intelligent and articulate and good looking. He is close to my age, married with kids, and still faithful. He is in a very similar place that I am in. He can relate with so much of what I have experienced. I felt like he knew me as I shared parts of me I don't share very often. That is such a great feeling for a closet-dweller. We ended with a warm embrace and swapped cards with hope of another meeting.
He said something interesting. From studying my blog, he concluded that I portray my persona of "Beck" as a lot younger than I am or at least that I seemed to be more immature / less serious than I really am. This was a revelation of sorts to me. Again, it emphasized that "Beck" is only a part of me, a conglomeration of adolescent and boyish thoughts that I've never outgrown or passed through... and that's probably why I have such a hard time with getting older, with realizing my life has been full of regrets and missed opportunities, and a longing for what could have been instead of what is and will be.
I compartmentalize myself. I am very good at it. We closet-dwellers are pros at this. We are very good at wearing hats! We can wear the good Mormon boy hat. We can wear the faithful husband hat. We can wear the committed card-carrying church-going testimony-believing hat. We can also wear the trying-to-figure-out-wear-we-fit-in-this-gay-thing-that-won't-go-away-even-though-we-now-don't-want-it-to-go-away hat.
Someday, I hope to be able to put all of these hats on (in an appropriately color-coordinated / fashion-sense way) and finally be a complete person for someone to know - no adolescent angst, no fear of doubt, no confusion of self. Just me.
Anyway, thank you no. 13!!! You certainly are what makes this baker's dozen complete.